Many wear a mask I have discovered in my life.  For better or for worse it’s a way to hide from humiliation, truthfullness, fear, critique, ridicule, authenticity, commitment, discovery or anything one wants to hide from view.  Relationships and friendships are hard to continue when truth and authenticity is not a forward facing belief.

Carpeting a home in beige is a good illustration of wearing a face.  You can bring 19 samples of beige carpet into your home and as the lighting changes  or with the setting of the sun you will see shades of brown, pink, grey or blue apear in various hues. As for my friends and my home I want the color that remains constant, no matter the day, night, height of the sun or situation.

*jcs

Constantly thinking
What forever is like
All the time feeling
It might be sleep-like

A bit fearful
As in many nightmares
One can never awake
From forever falling
Or being chased
With legs stuck in place

In front of a crowd
Delivering a speech
With the audience all dressed to the nines
And you standing there totally nude

Then there are the ones
When you get off a bus
With no one around
Or picking you up

The worse ones are laying inside
Of that box
And people walking by critiquing
Your life
We loved her… but she was so loud
Looks like death finally quieted her down
And what’s with that color of hair…
Can’t understand why she never
Lost weight
Or why She thought her opinions were always so great

Any one of these senario’s
Would make forever not fun
So I think I’ll wake up
And live my life
It’s more fun

*jcs

 

 

Our Barney chewed the tassels        from my brand new shoes                  And cowered under the desk in our
Family room As I yelled                        my wife scooped him up and berated me for leaving them on the floor

Over the years                                        that puppy caused more damage        but never more then the joy he brought into our home                        with his excited brown eyes                long black floppy ears.                        short wiggling tail                                  and soft pink tongue that he kissed us with constantly

After he passed                                        we bought a rhomba sweeper              that my wife would turn on in the morning to follow me around                just like Barney eating up crumbs that I would drop on the floor as he poked my leg with his cold wet nose letting me know he was ready for more

RIP Barney

*jcs

 

Waking to the news each day
It’s hard to say
If my mind will change
On all that I believe

Reading gives me pause to think
But so do inaccuracies widely
Repeated on the news in a blink
Without the slightest
Thought of how they appear
And how they affect what others think

Truth is what we all need
And yet many feel that truth is evil
So they spin it to fullfil the need
To express their point of view

Many don’t have the desire to
Seek the truth which is very evident
In the way they scream their views
Not understanding that truth
Needs no megaphone
As it always rises eventually

Truth is in each and everyone’s
Heart and soul
It’s the mind that
Inflicts the pain of lies
To injure the heart
Deflating ones soul
Denying mankind the
Unending future of eternity

*jcs

 

 

Where…
Where is….
I can’t find….
Are the words in his mind
As he yells out to mine

What are we looking for
Where did you look
It has to be in your car
Did you really look…
All over inside

Yes he said.…
All over inside
It’s not there….
Where could it be
As he stares right at me

I’ll look…
Where I know it is
In the car…
And then if I find it
#$%&@
It was in the visor
Exactly..…….
We’re you put it
When you were
With me
On our trip to and from
Lori’ s

Did you really look
Doesn’t appear so to me
As you claim to look….
Yet never see

Never can forget that night…
He answered the phone
As I rocked our youngest

Seeing his face
With such sad eyes
Brought tears to mine….                            Not yet knowing…why

He held out the phone
And turned away
Knowing the words
My dad was about to say

Your mom just died….
We don’t know why
But she’s gone
You need to come home right away

She died on the floor
Beneath the Christmas tree
January 2…46 years ago
Seems like a dream now… to me

She was tired when we left
After our family holiday
But never expected she would be
Gone the next day

She told me so much
In the two weeks before that day
Things she kept inside…                      Now feeling she just had to say

There will be she said…
A funeral soon… I’m seeing my parents here every night and day …              though long ago they passed away

Was she letting me know these were the last of her days
As I laid on her bed she kept
Talking away…
It was the 15th Christmas
In our house…..she designed

The drive home….
Just a flash in my thoughts
Even though we were eight or more hours away

We got there at five
Went to where she was laid
Never dreamed I would
Be seeing my mother this way

She was beautiful and calm
Perfectly placed…
With no movement… no words
No smile on her face…

Her makeup was perfect…                  Her hair just her way                            Her glasses sat like she just fell asleep On this couch after a long… hectic day

As this daughter approached                This beautiful box
Knelt down at her side
And cried on her cheek…                          That was blushed a pale pink
I am 23 years…you are 32 more
At such a young age
Why are we here in this place

Within 2 hours
Everyone…
She knew stood in line….for hours…    To see her just one more time

The morning
Before…
They closed her away
We kissed her and hugged her
And touched her once more
My tears fell
My heart quaked
I cried and called out to her…
Begging her to wake…

The funeral was beautiful
She wanted all White
The Mass of the Resurrection
Was her request
And her right

Putting her into the ground
I will never forget
She hated the cold
And it was freezing that day

Later that evening                                      I stood by her grave                                  A mound of brown dirt                          In a cemetery of hundreds        Blanketed with sparkling snow                Nothing was visible…she seem all alone

Six feet down
Under all the funeral flowers
Frozen in place
In below zero weather
Never more would I see
My beautiful mother

….Then I remembered
We forgot her warm coat

I think of that now…
And still cry
Everytime that it snows…

*jcs

 

 

 

Snow days use to thrill me…
No school, just free all day,
To skate and sled and snowmen make
Until the sun went down.

Our hands would freeze, frostbite would tease,
Hot choclate would ease our pain…
Then slip and slide, back outside
To play and freeze again.

The day would stay within our heads
As we were shooed to bed..
We’d say our prayers and snuggle tight
With hopes the snow would fall all night.

*jcs

Where on earth does hate hide
Within the body
Causing damage deep inside
A place where light can never reside

An xray can’t find
Nor an MRI
The hate that eats the soul alive
Devouring peace at an accelerated stride
Creating a darkness
A wave that is hard to ride
Causing one to fall
Even deeper inside

Where is the light
To rise to
When the hate
Has drawn a shade so tight
Enveloping heart, life and soul
Within it’s deep gloom of night

The heart is sad
The mind is closed
The soul is buried
And can not rise
Until the hate
Is unearthed
And given the light of day
To reach and find forgiveness
TODAY

*jcs

Rising so much earlier
He works on his stocks
Buying or selling keeps his mind alert

I on the other hand can sleep the
Morning away
Not really rallying until almost
Midday

Mornings have never appealed to me
Much
My mind doesn’t engage early
And I never touch
Anything important early in the day

The midnight hour is my favorite time
When most are sleeping and everything is hushed
My mind thinks and rethinks without all the rush

Now that I’m older
I’m sleeping much more
Making up for the nights that sleep
Never knocked on my door

Days of rocking my babies
Or waiting up for teens
Walking the floor wondering
About all the ages in between

Have given me hours to catch up
On sleep
Leaving the worry to
Our 4 raised kids

Now it’s their time to have
Sleep seldom knock on their door          As they spend their time worrying and walking the floors

*jcs

 

 

 

Moving at this time in our life
Isn’t something for this wife
I love our home
And can’t see ever leaving
On a whim at our age

If something happened to one of us
The other one would be
Far from any family
My heart just wouldn’t
Be there as our body ages

Our kids would have a problem
With aging parents
So far away
And our health will be decreasing
With our age constantly increasing

Moving just to move
To a neighborhood unknown
Without a backyard
Golf course view
Or a front yard ocean view
Is not for me

*jcs

 

If I had the chance
Would I do it all again
Go to Catholic school
Fall for the boy I love
Marry young
Move away from home
Have 3 kids
Get my MS after my BA
Own 2 businesses
Retire
And now, write poetry

Yes, I would…exactly the same
Not because there’s not a chance to
Do it again
But because my life has followed
God’s Plan
I didn’t plan or maneuver my life
In any way

I was born
Educated
Married, bore and raised
Three great kids
Lost my parents early
Took custody and finished raising
My little sister
Worked my dream job
In love with the boy who is
Still The One
Question my faith
But not my God
Or His plan for me
Enjoying retirement
And writing poetry
About life, love and God’s plan
Til the End

*jcs

 

The silence woke him
As the night turned to day.
He heard no breathing
As she slumbered away.

The noise of her snoring
Could have woken the dead.
Before she started wearing
That contraption to bed.

They tested her twice
As she slept in their lab.
Hooked to wires with sensors
That blinked round her head.

Statistics they gave
Said her breathing stopped…
Many times…
Causing her to wake, choking for air.

They put her on a machine
Called CPAP.
Blowing air at a steady pace
In her nose through her throat.

She now breathes easily
Through out the night
The CPAP machine
Is working just right.

The night now is quiet
As her snoring is gone
Now he’s awake
Due to the silence of no sound.

*jcs

Since facebook has become essential
In everybody’s lives.
Sharing pictures, thoughts and views
Of each and every day.

We’ve all became complacent
With our privacy
And now are we really shocked
As our lives, on display
Have become a commodity.

Not for us who share our stuff
But for those who see a way
To make money…
With the things we share
And the belief we have with
What we read.

We search… we share
Automatically
An ad appears
Reaching at our wants.
Then some propaganda
Jumps before our eyes
And maybe we believe.

Why because facebook
And the internet has
Taken over our subconcience.
Then we begin to use this info
As a reference and repeat.

Dudilligence has gone
The way of…
“Just Google it”…
And then the stuff goes on and on.

*jcs

 

 

 

 

Watching the Masters today
With its beautiful scenery…
Azelas in bloom
The course so well groomed.
Makes our cold weather
Overwhelmingly gloom.
But easier to sit all day
Watching this game of golf.

As golfers compete
On a course so complete
With beauty and warmth
Create a mood of contentment.
My soul relaxes, my mind drifts
And yet my competitive spirit
Jumps with excitement…                  When the scores get close.

Rooting for one….
Throws serenity away
As the holes pass by…
Scenery noticed no more.
The focus has changed
From beauty and warmth
To sweating…                                            In the heat of competition.

*jcs

 

 

 

Never thought we’d reach 50 years.
Never thought we’d live this long.
Our parents passed young
And even though we feel young
We are in the late ages of life.

Never thought about our golden years.
Yet look here we are.
Loving each other is easy.
Can’t wait til the day is over…
Snuggling in our big bed is the best part of every day.

The kids have grown older too.
It’s hard for us to believe.
We see how old their children are
Yet our, I DO’s… just seem like yesterday.

Three kids, now six grandsons
Because you and I fell in love.
What more could we ask for as these years have been so good.

I guess an easy journey as we continue down the road.
Keeping close to each other and may nothing keep us apart.
When our time comes to an end…    May we go together and not have to Ever part…                                        Because ever leaving you…              Would just break my heart.

*jcs

Missing all the things I used to do
Before retirement age moved in.
Making sure all my brides
Had beautiful weddings
And gorgeous gowns.
That fit their bodies
And personalities.

Making sure their walk
Down the aisles
Made their dreams
Come true.
Still some of them
Returned again and again
To have me plan a new
Day of Dreams to Come True.

Sometimes I think….
Too much time and money
Is spent on the wedding day-dream
Without enough commitment
Spent on their marriage dreams.

*jcs

 

Yardwork beginning today
Around the neighborhood,
And I have to say…
It may be cold
But there’s hope in the air
That Spring…
May be near.

Then hopes are dashed
As snow flakes fall
Plans to hit golf balls are trashed.
Another afternoon of watching TV
Or playing on the cell phone…
A game of Candy Crush.

*jcs

Reading gives much info
For thoughts…
About everything
Enjoyed or not.
New words are found
Ideas and knowledge
One would otherwise
Never see…
If one does not continue
To read.

Read for fun
Read for facts,
Information of why
We are fat.
Reading gives travels…
Places never seen.
Except through the pages

Discribing…
Beautiful scenes.

How the brain works,
Why the heart beats…
Why we believe in eternity.
All these things…
Revealed each day
To all of those…
Who read continuously.

*jcs

Why do the women
Who talk on the news.
Wear clothes out of season
And don’t cover their boobs.

Their dresses are stuck
To their breasts and their thighs.
Thinking Kim K’s butt size
Is fashion to be prized.

The networks are requiring
More skin to be shown.
Yet all the men  still
Wear suits and ties.

It seems like the men
Are still running the show.
Showing more skin
So they will tune in.

Raise up your neckline
And cover your knees
News isn’t meant
To give men what they please.

*jcs

 

Rain is falling
The air is cold.
Looking for signs
Of Spring…
Is really getting old.

The sky is looking gloomy
Not even a peak
From the sun.
Is lightening up
This day in April
And it’s making me
Just glum.

Put off our trip
To Wisconsin.
Don’t think it would be fun.
Traipsing in an old town
Getting wet…
With no warmth from
The sun.

So without sun
The TV will be the light.
That shines in our
Family room warming
Up our life.

*jcs

 

 

Are we all so busy
That we never stop to see.
All the beauty
Nature….
Is painting us for free.

The colors of the sky
The hues upon the ground.
The sun, the cotton clouds
Everywhere you look…
Beauty all around.

Pictures that we take
Are from the surroundings
That were in…
Appreciating all of it
Is nothing but a win.

Fishing in the water
Way out in the sea…
With an ever changing
Skyscape…
Everyone should see.

White caps on the water
As the waves keep blending in.
Another one rolls over
As another begins..
It’s dance… all over again.

My heart and soul
Are happy…
As the waves keep rolling in.
Creating more pictures
On the canvas I am in.

*jcs

 

 

What is my bucket list…
I really don’t know.
Can’t think of anything
I really want to do.

I’ve lived my life
The way I wanted to.
Doing pretty much
What I wanted to do.

Where we ‘ve gone
And what we’ve done.
Has thrilled me
And filled all my dreams.

Being with you
Has always been my bucket list.
Can’t think of anything
Other then never being without you.

*jcs

I wish I weren’t so jealous
Of that view you’re showing me.
To be sitting on the chaises
And looking at the sea.

There is no place on earth
Where I would rather be.
Than laying in the sun with you
Down there by the sea.

I pray you have a wonderful vacation
Down there by the sea.
With Ryan and the boys
Making memories.

Make sure you all get in the pictures
To see how much they have grown.
Because the time you spend with them
Are the best years that they’ve known.

With you they are carefree and happy
And as the years fly by.
They will have these times to remember…
Their wonderful childhood and strive…

To be as good as you and Ryan
In each of their hearts they’ll see.
Through the wonderful times
You’ve spent with them
Down there by the sea.

Love mom & dad.
3/35/2018

Words can feel like arrows
As they spew out of the mouth.
Taking aim…the target being
Directly to the heart.

The pain may cause no blood to run
But the pain… it’s there the same.
Causing many tears to fall
With the hatred in the aim.

A word…
Like a slap across the face
Can cause injury….
Without even a trace.

The handprint of the slap will heal
But a word said…will remain,
Imbedded in the heart…
Throbbing with the pain.

The word once said…
Can’t be erased
But will keep it’s trace
Somewhere deep inside.

Where other words said with hatred
Are planted and will grow.
More hatred and more evil words
Than anyone should know.

*jcs

 

Things he asks… make me laugh.
Today his question…
Would he use ink
To make a photo copy
Instead of printing.

My question…
What is on the paper
From a photo copy…
Ink I guess…Was his answer
My reply……Bingo.

First day of Spring… a bit gloomy and cold.
Because it is March…. I am told.
It makes winter go on an on,
Yet the calendar says it should really be gone.

The first day of Spring should be sunny and warm.
But today just doesn’t fit that form.
It’s sunny now, a bit windy too…
It’s the chill that is keeping Spring out in the cold.

One should be getting lighter clothes, ready to go
But staying warm will be the clothes to be worn.
Til the tempature rises and buds start to bloom
Hoping to wear shorts and tee shirts real soon.

So hurry Sping and blow your way in.
So flowers can grow and sprinklers spin.
Causing grass to turn green and robins to sing
Returning leaves to trees… and me… to a porch with a swing.

*jcs

 

Today is just another day
Yet it seems the same to me.
Another day soon crossed off
Our quickly dwindling way.

An age is reached when the road ahead
Is coming to an end…very visible in one’s head.
The body stoops, the hair is grey,
And the memory slips… more each day.

There’s nothing special occuring today
As it passes by… just like yesterday.
And it’s sad today, as it passes away…
As one can never bring back a day.

*jcs

It’s a crazy game I play
Traffic… I always avoid
Finding other routes is what I do.
Whether through neighborhoods,
Behind a stripmall, or driving through a parking lot.
Managing to only be in a line with a car or two.

It might not be a short cut…
That’s really not my aim
Staying out of traffic is the name…
Of my neurotic game.

Seeing me in your neighborhood
You’ll wonder why I’m out so far.
Your question will be answered…
As you’ll see, I’ll be the only car.

*jcs

 

What can I eat,  what should I skip
What should never pass over my lips. Acid reflux rules my life…                Making eating,  forever a strife.

Sometimes I take a chance
Eating things that in my throat dance.
A firey jig the burns to my toes
With me pacing back and forth in rows.

I eat tums by handfuls
And drink gallons of milk.
Eating wrong foods keep me
Up late at night much longer than guilt.
Guilt you can justify and still sleep night and day…
But the burn in my throat just won’t go away.

*jcs

Need to get my closets in dying condition.
Why?
Because I’m seventy.
At this age I shouldn’t be worried
About my messy closets and all the things
I have hoarded away for my kids to have
To throw away.

They will wonder why mom kept this or that
And should they really throw it out.
Since we never downsized after they left
My house is full of stuff that I don’t want
Just never had time to throw away.

The time has come.
The time is now.
So look out things..
Out you go.

*jcs

Dieting is an exercise that’s hard to endure.
Deleting certain food you’ve learned to adore.
You try and you fail and you try once again
But the food that you love… you always give in.

The calories add and your waistline adjusts
Never down… just up, up and up.
The blood pressure rises with each belt increase…
Why can’t I just diet..and make the BP decrease.

Something in the brain that can’t be explained…
Causes one to eat instead of taking a stand
Against all the calories that you get from the junk.

Like pop, candy, cake, bacon, bread that you push in Your mouth….
Ultimately making one unhealthy…
And stout.

*jsc

Dinner tonight was filling.
Not stuffing…
But just enough to get up from the table
Feeling satisfied.

No meat only steamed asparagus,
A spring leaf salad and white cheddar macaroni.
Fitting for a Friday in Lent
Cutting back on the earlier weeks calories.

My retired groom developed the menu
Prepared it too…
Arranged it on a plate like a seasoned chef.
To my palate… it was a delight.

Oprah, you are always on my mind.…

I got hooked on her when she took over another
Chicago morning show
So many years ago.
She was good at the beginning then remember
It got a little trashy.
Then she saw the light, stopped competing with
The other trash going at the same time.
Love the book clubs
Love the Pjs.
Love that she took over the production
And named it Harpo.

Thought she’d get married and
I’d design her gown,
Or be the planner of her wedding
That would set me up tight in Chicagoland.
But my life and business got in the way.
She turned off the morning show
And went off on her own.
To find other things to expand on her soul
And I’d listen to see what a difference she’d make.

I’m still watching and seeing the good that she does
And hope some day we might get in touch.
Politics and the presidency could be her downfall
And I’m praying she stays out of that domain…That swamp that just doesn’t drain.

*jcs

Out the kitchen window in my dishwashing gaze
With the sun shining and birds chirping
Although it’s still cold.

The bushes, flowers and trees
Are beginning to awake from the last freeze.
With hope that their grasses, petals and leaves
Will soon sprout forward and take their leave
From their underground bed of deep sleep.

Only a short time away before Spring starts the show
Of unbelievable beauty
In color and song.
There will be showers so May flowers grow
And winds shaking the dead limbs from trees.

Then summer will follow with the smell of cut grass
And the sound of kids yelling…
As they get out of class.
What more can I ask for, out my kitchen window,
In my dishwashing gaze.

*jcs

Spinning, yes spinning has hold of my mind
Twirling words, syllables and rhymes
In and out of lines
Until they land making sence of a kind.

Poetry, sonnets or just thoughts
That come together and make sense to me.
With hope that others will eventually see
The visual the words paint for me.

*jcs

Daybreak give us hope each day
That yesterday’s troubles have melted away.
This may not be the case today
Unless we solved the problems of yesterday.

Today, new issues may appear
Creating solutions for you to find.
Searching all possibilies within our mind
Or the same problems will stay behind.

Dashing the hopes of tomorrow’s morn
As more problems greets each day.
Creating a gloom….
That will continually loom…
With each new upcoming dawn.

*jcs

 

 

My heart is very sad today
And I wish… I knew why.
The sun is shining
My body moves
And my mind is working fine.

There is no reason for sadness
As I opened my eyes today.
My children are well
Our health is okay
And our faith is still intact.

Maybe its the lack of purpose
That greets me each morning I wake.
Nothing really needs me to do a thing
As retirement is doing…
It’s thing.

*jcs

 

 

Chocolate is my downfall
Maybe… what holds me up.
When I’m sick or lonesome
Or just chilled…
Hot chocolate in a cup
Just a sip…
Warms and cheers me up.

In a cookie or a cake
There is no better way
In a muffin or a scone
To start each and every day.
Although… a candy bar will do
To get me through
It is…the taste I crave.

*jcs

The internet takes alot of time
Away from living.
We all seem to check email,
Facebook and texts update
Not to mention…
Twitter and just googling.
I’ve watched people walk their dog
Typing more often than their
Dogs are smelling trees.
I wonder how soon there will be
Goups formed for Internet Intoxication.
Called THE I I I I.
Institution of Internet Intoxication Intervention.
I fear I will be a member
Along with most of us who own a phone.
Which the internet claims to be
90% of the population.

jcs

Snow is falling…
On this dreary March day.
While rabbits are running
To get underground.

Not so unusual seeing snow
This time of year.
Yet most are all sick…
Bundling up in winter gear.

We’re tired of the shovels
And have lost one or two gloves.
So sick of the snow
Falling down from above.

Looking forward to blue skies
And grass on the ground.
With flowers growin everywhere.
So please snow… get out of here!

*jcs

 

 

 

Hours have passed since you left and things here are the same, minus you.  Worried that you are not having the best of days.  Your mom seems to be on the road that we will all travel.  I’m sorry that you won’t be spared this sad journey but no ending is ever easy.  I only pray that God calls our name in the same order that we came.

 

 

Thought this picture was so appropriate with the upcoming snowstorm that will keep us in all weekend.

Also glad the stock market is closed tomorrow.  Retired groom’s moods are bouncing like it is.

CNN, Y&R and B&B seem to have taken over this retired couples life.   Trumps stupidity keeps our attention and the news channels help calm our nerves as they try to bring to light his lies and self serving manipulations of our country.

The soaps draw us in and keep us interested with their writers daydreams of made up stories televised to originally sell soap.  Now  selling all products to anyone watching unending commercials, which drag out the drama to days, weeks, months and years.  And we watch out of boredom, cold days of staying in or in anticipation of the next unbelievable episode.

Have we become couch potatoes? Or just an ordinary retired couple trying to keep up with life and the psychology of people living life like the stars on the soaps, until the snow melts, the air warms and golf season begins?

Love my new slippers.  Comfy, warm and able to clean my hardwood floors while walking around  getting my steps in.  Great for multitasking.

Thought a bonfire occurred before the sporting event not at the celebratory dinner.  Hope all got out without being charred.

Tonight my retired groom’s great idea was to cut a frozen cheese pizza in half so we would eat less calories.  He was quite surprised when he pulled it out of the oven and it looked so small.  He was even more surprised when he asked how much I wanted.  I went out and cut the half pizza he baked in half and put it on my plate.  He said OH.  I didn’t think you would eat that much.  I guess he was only thinking he would save me calories.  These are the things that keep this retired couple laughing.

Pantry finally got to me.  When cans fall from the top shelf almost breaking my toe I have to clean and re-arrange AGAIN.  Threw out open boxes of angel hair pasta since he has 10 as back up.  Tomato product are taking over the whole closet.  Not to mention the plastic bags he has been squirelling away since Christmas Shopping.  Spending half the year at his mother’s house in 2017, due to her breaking her leg, has given him new traits that drive me nuts.  Like throwing paper towels in the sink so we can use them again.  Well the only consolation, I’m counting my steps.  With all the trips to the garbage can with expired dates on some of his food goods and hundreds of bags I’m half way to my goal today.  Always looking for the bright side with my retired groom.🌞🌞🌞

Political environment today is driving my husband mad.  He calls  Senators and Congressmen offices on a daily basis.  I have to agree that this President lies so much that it begins to be a joke.  I’m very worried that his idea of governing is not just putting the USA on the Comedy channel’s constant radar but is putting our fighting men in real jeopardy.  How do these men and women on the front line know what to believe since he has ruined so many people’s reputation because they don’t play his game.  His mentality can barely figure out checkers why does his base really think he can play chess or battleship.  Having grandsons coming of age during his devisive and unprofessional presidency I’m worried sick about their future.  I pray this madman is ousted soon and men of honor or at least brighter,  make our country one of honor and justice for all again.

My pedometer ran out of charge about 3pm.  I had close to 4000 steps.  Now at 4 pm I have to start it over again.  My goal is 10000 steps so I need 6000 more and that goal won’t show today as I will have to add two totals together.  Yes it will be the same  but it just won’t look or feel the same as seeing 10000 on the face of my watch.

Retired groom walks around the house saying, hey Jane.  Hey Jane this, hey Jane that.  It’s driving me crazy.  He knows I’m watching a movie, or reading a book or even making the bed but no matter where I am, I hear, hey Jane, ringing in my ears.  Where are the keys, where’s the remote, where’s the phone, is the dishwasher clean, are you going to the 7 11?  Hey Jane is always followed with a question or request..  I thought once we were in the empty nest stage of our life I would stop hearing, hey Mom.  I did, but it’s been replaced by HEY JANE.  Our first grandson called me, Hey Jane come here, for quite a while before I got him to call me Grandma.  Wonder where he learned that????

Wrong decisions can change the outcome in a single second.  Watching the Monday playoff at Tori Pines.  Sad that the mind makes a decision that can’t be changed once the ball is hit.  The drop in the water just lost the tournament.  Jason Day will win this one, I’m sure.

Where has my care gone?  I’ve been going over in my mind wondering where it might be hiding.  Maybe it disappeared when I retired, maybe it went into hiding when my clock flipped to 70.  Maybe it’s right here and I’m not really looking for it.

Why am I not looking?  Well I’ve cared for years and found it has been an empty feeling lately.  I’ve cleaned house and someone always trashes it.  I cooked but don’t care to eat.  I read but forget the words.  I pray and wonder how and why.  I hope my caring hasn’t got up and left because I stopped looking for it, abused it or just stopped caring about it.  Please, please come and find me.  Not caring make me sad and lonely.

 

Flu season please don’t knock on my door this year.  My shoulders ache, my neck hurts, I’m a bit warm and coughing more.  The flu is all around and I’m staying home so please don’t knock on my door.

College Basketball on TV leads to another soliloquy on basketball, colleges, coaches and the maroon brick road to Eastern.

Wishing it was noon so he can make a hamburger, or rather a turkey burger. His clock moves with food. At one o’clock he’ll start planning our dinner.  Will he find it in our packed freezers or will a grocery run be needed?  It all depends on his heighten and always active taste buds.  His words of food never change my desire for chocolate ice cream and Coca cola.

 

Again for the 10,000th plus time I am putting the toilet seat down.  It infurriates me.  Why can’t he just put the seat down when he’s done?  We live in a house with 3 bathrooms but during the day we both use only the powder room and we are both on blood pressure meds with a diuretic.  At night I use one bathroom and he uses the other so I’m never upset at night but my wrath grows every day during our powder room visits.  But today I had a little come to Jesus moment.  The seat was down.  He’s getting the hang of it, I thought.  Then it dawned on me. He hasn’t used the bathroom since the last time I used it about 15 minutes earlier.  So I,  left the seat down.  Yes of course.  He never gets mad at me because I leave the seat down.  In fact he never mentions it.  This realization just occured to me.  50 years of marriage and 50 years of me harping about this.  It never occurred to me before that he never mentions that I leave it down.  Such a simple everyday thing that shows the personality difference between the two of us.  I gripe, I yell, I complain, I ridicule, I intimidate, I bitch.  He’s never mentioned that I leave it up. NEVER,

What does this say about he and I?  I’m not going to mention it again.  It makes me realize that I am a bitch and he is not.

But in my defense only a woman can be a bitch.

The driveway is icy.  I’m dying for a Coca Cola, retired groom is reminiscing with Dick Clark and rating that tune.  I’M going to have to take the chance and get out on the roads because the man is driving me nuts today.  I need a Coca Cola.  NOW.

That’s it’s funny just how different we  are, yet friendship  has kept us near though we live apart far.

She is single, I am a pair. She’s a twin and my sister is just kin.  Her attitude is soft and mine is pretty hard, and while she writes with the right I’m always heading left.

My opinions are voiced loudly while she keeps her’s close inside.  She has a sweet little grandson and mine have multipled to six.  I love how she enjoys to sew and makes things that I would only buy.  I pray her children appreciate the love and time she spends, time that I tend to spend on me myself and I.

Her mother is past 90 and mine has been gone a long time, so she worries about hers constantly while I pray to mine.

Our talents are different, our faiths  differ too, buy we do share similar political views.  She loves to make plans and go out all the time while plans seem to intrude on my do nothing days.  Friends are abundant in her hours and days.  My time is very sedintary, shared mainly with hubby and kids.  She loves to converse on the phone all the time while I’m more a comic  needing an audience in my face to produce a good belly laugh.

No matter the differences or the miles we’re apart.  We enjoy being together and are close in our hearts.  So close infact that we just laugh if one of us farts.🌝🌞

The appointed time to get my locks trimmed.  Its been 2 months since I had a haircut and my hair has gotten quite long and out of shape.  When I walked in to the salon my girl Hannah couldn’t believe how quick my hair grew and that I haven’t colored it.  She said that the women that usually is in on the nights I am usually in was asking about me and wanted Hannah to color her hair the the same color as mine.  She told her my hair is blonde and is now streaking with white.  That mainly I put on a rinse to tone down the yellow that gets absorbed into white porous hair.  Quite nice that my hair is aging to a popular color this year.  Can’t believe my aging hair is aging in style.

Today I am 70.   Even though it’s just a number it messes with my head. And, yes I will agree, it’s better then being dead, but just the same, it messes with my head.

70 is just a number but it just keeps marching on, because in another 364 days I’ll be heading to 71.  My body aches, I can’t remember names and as time marches passed nothing remains the same.  My patience has grown shorter my temper is the same.  Things that didn’t matter before I now can’t even name.  I’m glad my children are independent I wish my hubby was the same but as we grow older with time just marching on, he and I are forever asking,  What’s that person’s  name?

I no longer want to leave, the comfort of my home and hubby gets impatient that I love to be alone.  My mind no longer embraces the thought of what’s to come but constantly remembers everything we’ve done.  I’ve lost the fear of dying, and I fearfully feel I’ve lost the joy of living although I love to ride and just see scenery.  I’d rather read then hear, I’d rather see then look, I’d rather hear then listen  and I love hiding in a book.  The person I was, will never be the same, because 70 has now become my name and 71 is my future, if things remain The same.

Looking for his glasses for 1 hour tonight.  He cannot multitask.  He cannot walk and chew gum.  When we were younger and I was working, I called home to make sure all the kids were home and getting their homework done.  I asked If the kids were home and he said he was stirring the spaghetti sauce and couldn’t do everything.  All of a sudden the phone went dead.  Jumped in the car and got home as soon as I could.  Not thinking when he answered the phone he pulled the cord across the top of the stove which had a burner on with no pot on it and burn the phone cord in half.  Can’t stir and answer the phone.

So we are here many years later and he lost his glasses while shaving, showering, getting clothes out of the hamper to bring down stairs, putting cream on a rash, changing into another sweater and while multitasking put his glasses somewhere.  I found them in another bedroom that he wondered into while multitasking.  I can’t get that time back.

I saw first hand how politics takes precedence over one’s integrity.  Dick Durbin will always have my vote and I suggest some of the other Senators like Sens. Cotton and Purdue do penance before their time is up.  Maybe they need to be wearing perpetual lie detector devises that ring out when they speak to teach them what lies are and to let Congress and people know  they don’t own or practice truth or integrity.

Patience is shot today.  Don’t want to look for, show, help, answer, feel bad for, listen to, hold hands with, hug, or go with anyone, especially the one.

Often erupts inside me when events happen that seem like de’veue at least the sounds do.  Sounds that bring to mind an unhappy day that makes one relive a very unhappy and unfortunate event that can’t be erased from my memory.  Tears fall again.

Alone time is NOT overrated.  There is even a song about it.  “EVERYONE NEEDS SOME TIME ALONE”.  Think that’s the name.  Alone time means silence. Silence to think, to recover from all the nonsense that everyone throws at you on an hourly basis.  Listening to everyone’s problems, ideas, complaints, gripes, fears, wonderings, and beliefs leaves little room for your own thoughts or piece of mind.  Piece/Peace of mind, which is it?  Both is the answer.  We all have our piece of mind and desire Peace of Mind.  Both come back  when one has time alone.  Counting the days until I can enjoy this tranquility again.  Til then … My mind  continues to absorb what everyone else utters and throws against my brain diluted with my own thoughts on most subjects.

Oh where did the madman come from?  Took a nap and found a different person on awakening.

What set it off tonight.  CNN, TRUMP, the Steelers loss, unending teasing, realizing the mess or just sick of the time spent doing nothing.  Whatever, the sound and attitude brings back awful memories.  Realizing how life is ruled still makes me sad.  There has to be a better way.

My mind seems to be replaying parts of my life.  It’s not daydreaming it’s just vivid memories flashing through my mind.  Is there a message that needs to be interpreted, corrected or resolved.  I can’t say I feel any guilt for any of my life and if taken back to certain stages I’m not sure I would do anything different unless circumstances of the moment were different.  Is this my life beginning to flash back letting me know my days are limited? Yes, at this age, the years are limiting down to a precious few, birthdays, holidays, moments of joy, times of sadness are dwindling to a handful of moments to be treasured more, with less decorations and preparations but with more love, hugs and words of encouragement.

As a teenager I remember the conflicts with my mother as her views and mine were so different and I bulked instead of honoring her opinions.  I see the honor my husband gives his mother, as she is progressing through dementia and making unending and off the wall demands, with love, consideration and obedience.   At this time in my life my only responsibility I feel is to give my husband the time and accolades as he eases his mother’s mind with his love and constant attention.  As I witness his unending patience and love I realize this is the reason I knew he was the one, the sweet person that I wanted to spend my life with.

So as the memories flash and my clocks chime and no one knows for whom the bell tolls, I pray that my time has not come and that I have more tolling bells left to fulfill Gods role for me in this life before He shows me what His after life has in store for me.

Senator Durbin, thank you, for calling out the liar, Donald Trump by name.

Makes waking up a sad day for America.  We have a man with no character at the helm.  He doesn’t know the truth, he doesn’t see truth, he doesn’t care about truth, how can anyone in this world trust him?

Me out of the house seems to be my daughters new priority.  So we are meeting on Tuesdays for lunch. They are calling it Tuesdays with Jane.   They have decided that I know the family history and they need to document it while my mind is still intact.  Since my girlfriend has been diagnosed with Alzheimer’s they are now aware how short life is and they also realize that I prefer staying in my house more than they think I should.  Love that they care much.

Is his go to more days of the weeks than it should.  Tonight as usual his question Is?  Do you think you could handle tomato sauce Tonight?  Let’s see, about as mich as you can handle penicillin.   I’m not sure how your reaction would be as I’ve never seen you take it.  But you witness my unending indigestion, constant choking and inhaling glasses of milk to kill the burn in my throat and stomach and walking the floor at 2 am with no relief but you somehow can’t understand that tomato sauce is not my friend.  Maybe I should answer the question one last time with can you handle me running the car over your body.  But I don’t think you’d hear me as you love tomato sauce and seem to think I should too.  For better or for worse.  Tomato sauce isn’t the better and isn’t the worse so I’l l eat the crust and let you enjoy the saucey part.  Yep love hurts and burns even after all these years.

The memories from my MIL about my girlfriends mother and then hearing the same story told by my girlfriend’s memory of her mother stories are hilarious.  Both mother’s oldest sons are the same age but the mothers are 12 years different in age.  Hearing the story of raising the boys in the same neighborhood is unbelievable.  One view says they dress their children like poor orphans.  The other view sees the older mother looking like a call girl because she is always dressed up and wearing makeup.  Having card clubs with cocktails and the other explaining how you couldn’t carry on a conversation with someone who’s only knowledge was cleaning, cooking and gardening.  Matters of government and world policies never seemed to enter their heads.  Age, education, jobs, and income have a great influence on dividing neighbors into classes even in a small town.  Growing up I heard terms like Little Italy, Shanty Town, the Projects etc., yet never saw these lines of demarcations as I crossed them daily with my many friendships.  I think only once, did a teacher refer to growing up on the hill and looking down on us, when he brought up a subject of income variation in teaching, using my home as an example.  Another when my grandfather asked why I couldn’t bring home a nice Irish boy, which of course raised my Irish temper as I gave him the answer in a truthful manner which he couldn’t deny.  Times were a changing as we were living and growing up but never realized.  You can never see the forest when you are living among the trees.

Is like living with a mouse in your house.  There’s crumbs on the floor.  Everything becomes out of place.  Lids are never on tight.  Sticks of butter are clawed into.  Toothpaste mints are always in the sink.  Towels are on the floor.  Oh wait….not a mouse it’s your spouse… he’s here 24/7 now!

When I get on the phone does he become a child and makes demands on me.  Refusing to stop or saying no ends up in an argument.  Gets old.

The radiologist, after asking my date of birth, inquired about how it felt to be 70.  I said, like a 17 year old trying to drive her grandfather’s model T.  The mind is still young but the chassis is an antique.  Hard to start and not running at top speed.  She let out a laugh and said she never heard that discription before but it sure summed up the situation that she sees most women my age feeling.

As I tell my husband, at our age we may speak of a hot night but foreplay may be it.  In our minds the little red engine that could 50 years ago, today, is just all steamed up but just can’t.

The nodoz we took in college to keep us up studying for a big exam, we now use to get us through the 6 o’clock news.

About my legs.  Can only walk so long before the heaviness in my calves make me have to sit.  If I walk too much then the weakness and heaviness in my left leg gets so intense that I can’t pick up my foot to get over a curb or in a car causing me to trip.  Having been out sight seeing with my daughter after Thanksgiving my legs became sore, heavy, swollen and hard.  My ankles swelled and became so tight the skin split.  The swelling caused my toes to go numb and the pain to go up my legs to my buttocks. Sleeping is hard as my legs ache unless I take 3 Advil.

Resolutions 2018.

Drop pounds, attend mass more, get healthy, join something, find lower cost insurance, get rid of unused clothes,  get new family room carpet, get a shimmer for my grandfather clock, change coloring in upstairs bath, be happy, get basement fixed, get office cleaned out and arranged, restain patio, get hearing checked.

 

The money constantly drives me nuts.

Wish you would count the spending with such fever.  The food is freezer burning and we will never get to it this year as you add new to it constantly.  The internet is a 24/7 shopping spree and you find no spending problems as you can charge.

The insurance, the electric and gas bills along with your cell phome goes up much faster than our income and yet you count money instead of spending.  It’s alot like your calories.  You don’t want to count what you eat but claim to be watching your weight.  Today you say you made a killing in the stiock market and could buy a new car with the cash.  My reaction, well sell the stock, buy the car before the Trump inflated market crashes.  Just has to soon!

Parents can be a real challenge.

Slipping?  6 boys in my home for a period of time can be challenging.  I love them dearly but also see their good and their bad points.  Running around the house, jumping on furniture makes me think they lack training of respect for others property and don’t take care of their own.  As they age you would expect to see them doing chores or at least picking up their own things.  Yes raising boys and girls are different but the respect that should be in each child is lacking to some degree.  I feel I’m pretty easy going but my things and my home have taken many years and many dollars to have what I have now and don’t expect the boys to damage it and disrespect it.

Writing my thoughts down so they don’t disappear in my brain with no filing system going forward upstairs.  God hasn’t provided the update to memory that His geniuses have built into there mechanical computer brains.  Someone needs to invent the chip to expand our memory as the population is outliving the storage capacity of God’s humans brain.

This is my 69 Christmas on earth and each one has a special meaning.  This year not cooking, not baking, not traveling is the theme of this Christmas.  My kids have stepped in and taken care of the gathering of family for eating, gift giving, and celebrating the birth of Christ as a continuous celebration of love among our family.

After all these years of being home base for the gathering of our children, grandchildren, and all family members just celebrating with the two of us is relaxing and enjoyable.  Heading toward 70 in just days and weeks has its benefits.

The legs no longer permitt long hours of baking that used to be the norm along with last minute trips to the mall to make sure all 20+ gathered would have some morsel to unwrap.  The trip has been wonderful but the tradition needs to pass to those whose bodies haven’t slowed with age and still enjoy the hustle and bustle of noise and excitement .  Never thought I would enjoy the peace and quiet of just the two of us.  We don’t need the calories from the pounds of fudge and cookies that used to line tins on our counters.  The decorations have slimmed down and the gifts that Santa used to hide  have been placed under our tree as they have been wrapped.  The two of us no longer need or want anything but just want health and happiness for our kids.  We ache for friends who have lost a child or two and thank God that this sorrow has not been in his plan for us.

Christmas cards have long since left my list of Christmas to dos along with many other tasks that no longer seem necessary to make Christmas glow.  I’m hoping to feel the holiness of the season now that I’m not so involved in all the tinsel of it.

Wondering how many more Christmases my retired groom and his retired bride will see as our twilight years are upon us.  I pray God doesn’t  see fit to end our journey around some future Christmas as it has added a sadness at Christmas for me and I don’t wish this mood on my children.

Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night.

As to why my legs ache and swell.  Can walk a few minutes and then the aching begins until it turns to pain and walking is unbearable.  Swelling is the next problem.

I am more sad than I’ve ever been.  Is hard for him to worry and care for 2 people at the same time.

One of my best high school friends today has left me with a heavy heart.  She’s been diagnosed with Alzheimer’s and I’m heartbroken.  Spent the afternoon with her yesterday and it’s visible.  But since we share a childhood, teenage and college past we can communicate to a great extent with no problem.  But the now is something she can’t hold on to.  I pray that our time together will remain and that we can offer her daughter support as she wades through this time of memory loss.

 

Heart aches today.  I’m not sure why except at this time of year I get very lonely.  In a sea of family, those that are missing really bring tears to my eyes.

Does his voice raise to a hysterical pitch when he’s about out of power on his cell phone?  His hello immediately make my stomach burn as he makes me think he lost his wallet, sprained his back or is at the hospital getting news that his pain is from a terminal hang nail.  He said a message came up on his phone that said he must download an app immediately.  When is he going to realize this is a hack or a sales pitch.  And yes the car’s engine light came on again and it worries him but why not go to a Chevy dealer and see if its okay to drive home about 600 miles away or does it need fixed now.  His mind runs wild with worst case scenarios.  Thus the reason I’m warm and safe and unaffected here at home.  His escalated tone of voice hurts my shoulders and I’m sure. raises his blood pressure because saying good bye, not to him but to his hysterical tone of voice, lowers mine.

Just happy he’s staying at the cozy motel, because the two kids that work behind the desk help him out.  With directions, lost and locked out keys and love listening to his over told stories that they enjoy as they are hearing them for the first time.  They provide breakfast and give him the attention he needs at such a low room rate.  Plus they have guided him to a geat hot dog house for lunch and two great dinner fares for steak and mexican.  I’m sorry I missed the fun but just couldn’t take the ride after 12 days being gone for Thanksgiving.

 

Alone is a needed period of time that everyone needs from time to time.

My car be hacked by dealers who want to sell a new car to the owner of an older car that we are thinking of replacing.  Crazy, RIGHT?  But in today’s world, is it that farfetched?  In a world where our president seems to feel that all is fair in business deals and has taken thi s form of operation into the White House,  I worry.  We have been searching for a new SUV to replace our wonderful 9 year old beauty that has given us no trouble, and all of a sudden acting up. Flashing lights to warn of engine problems.  Just crossing my mind and need to write it somewhere in case my thoughts could be reality.  Ever since the ignition switch incident that GM deliberatly installed cars with an inferior one to save $$s, my radar is buzzing with every business transaction I make.  It is sad that a president could cause the US population to look over it’s shoulder at all interactions between its people because our president has made visible the worst in our people and leaders.

Wants to get the  Christmas tree and who wants to get the pot roast on?  Yep, the retired wife is getting the tree.  No chopping, searing or peeling and no clean up for me.

Tree bought and transported home in 45 minutes.  Now he needs my help to get it out of the car!  Thank God he can cook!

 

Miss the guy who thought I could do everything.  Miss the man who thought I could do no wrong.  Thinking often of you dad.  Miss my biggest fan.

Fix the microwave until he leaves for his hunting trip.  Drilling another hole in our cabinets will not go over well with him.  Not sure yet how to do it but I’m sure I will have to drill a hole somewhere.