Feeling really odd today
No pain
Just dizzy
And shakey
Odd feeling…
Wish you were home…
Author: His retired bride
Saddness in the air
As I see the compass
And you aren’t here…
13 years ago
This began
Continues…
With an end
far or near
the one gone
Could be you or me
What a toll
This has taken
On you and me…
Ranting
And raving
Will never get my ear…
Sweet nothings
Tickle but don’t
Activate my body and soul
To act…
And to my vision and mind
Activate another soul
Other than flight or flight
In a way to get away
From the maniac
Trying to force compliance
In a threatening
Or imitated sweetening way …
I’m not crazy about
March Days
In this area…
Mostly grey and cold
Making the landscape
Look dreary and old…
Every piece of junk
Around a home makes
The outside
Look messy and unkempt…
As I take small rides around
To get a glimpse of of what’s new
But not today
It’s…
just too darn dreary and blue…
Everyday
I wish would begin
A bit different
Maybe with a song
Maybe with a smile
But a problem is the beginning
Of each day…
Seldom large
Just a bit irritating needed
To be shared…
Fear is the feeling
Not love
Not hatred
Just fear…
Today
Is a question
Heard something
In a letter out of a mouth
never heard before…
Yes it was provoked
But was a shock none the less
The hysteria
Over everything scares me
Every topic can inspire
The drama that can
Turn nasty at the drop of a
Dime…
Most say its nothing new
Though the volume has intensed
With age
My fear
When a call comes from
St Pauls
He’s a great cook
But enter the kitchen
While his masterpieces
Are coming together
Is something you do
At your own risk!
I stay out…totally away
And if kitchen
Looks like a bomb exploded
I don’t eat what looks so good
For fear he thinks I’m
An explosive engineer and
Cleanup organization…
I retired long ago
And will head to Bueno Beef
For a grilled chicken
Sandwich rather than
Feel obligated to clean up the
Mess and all the grease
Like I always did in our
Youthful days…
Funny how living together
Through old age
Has turn the tables…
It’s hard
Communicating with others
As you begin to age
Needing help
Yet not wanting to accept
Or ask…
Things I no longer
Want to do or even can do
Work on my mind daily…
Then things hubby wants
Me to do bug me more…
As my time ticks down
My thoughts go into
Dismal places as to what lies ahead
For me…
Why
Do I love
The things that are good
For me to the point
That I overindulge
And makes me sick…
Like these new chocolate
MetaMucil wafers
Weird!
It make me wonder
It makes me think
Why would anyone
Stop and sink
A vote for such an
Awful Fink!!!
Gone a month…
Left to simmer on back burner
Never put first and foremost
Not even for the first hour home…
Life is important
Drowning in remnants of
Bits of time make for a sad life…
Someone else calls
Who gets the boot
One starts to feel unneeded,
Unwanted, in the way…
Other’s birthdays so important
This one not so much
The heart gets heavy
The heart slows down
Wondering who will go first
And will this one be missed…
The test today
Did not go well…
Because of my coughing
They had to stop
As my numbers
Plummeted and soared…
BP over 200
Oxygen 0
I think the tight strap around my
Necked that wasn’t explained
But just strapped around
By male nurse
Before proceeding
Elevated me into panic…
And my body went to flight
Or fight mode shutting down
My airway…
Sounds like the Jaw thrust
Had to be used for 4 minutes
To get an airway opened…
Explains welts on neck and
Swelling and pain as if dealing
With swollen glands…
Research…
Has made me realize
Not every surgeon is
Great
Hiatal Hernia surgery
Will not be on my bucket
List nor will getting my
Knees replaced…
Have to really think
About what I really need
At 77…
Time to recover is not
On my side…
Happiness
And sadness resides in my heart
One feels so good
The other…
Tears me apart….
My daughter’s test was good
My best friend’s
Not…
God is my go to
I’m giving this to Him
To keep my heart beating
With Good News
And holding it all in His Hands
So the bad news
Resolves
With His Will
In His time…
Alone
Time is not
Over rated!!!
Very
Weak today
Why…who knows
Hoping
He is seeing how
Blessed he is to
Have these last
Weeks with her
She’s heading to the
Staircase
In her own time
At God’s will
Keep her comfortable
And safe
In their haste
They don’t unbderstand
Her as you do
Why this
Why now…
A question that
Never crosses her mind
Yet I’m the kind
That sees &
Hears
And wonders why…
There’s enough distruction
The world…
Why is bringing
It close to home
Now…
In your plan
I’m angry
I’m sad
Why Are you mad
With this corner of our
World
That inflicting pain
Worry and fear
Makes sense
To You
Two
Doors positioned
To provide
Some protection…
Make me see
And feel the fear
Again…
When I wasn’t there
I never thought
She wasn’t safe…
Distain
For loved ones of another..
Hard to comprehend
The recklessness
Of those who should
Carry respect…
Yet don’t give or
Deserve…
And whose
Punishment
Resides in another
Place and time…
Life is precious
Crossing a line
Unforgivable…
The ending
Is in my mind daily
Is that how one
Starts a book…
My book has been written
Right now contains 76
Chapters..:
With 77 on its way
As I stumble each hour
Of the day…
My legs are in pain
My sight has been fixed
But my mind wonders
Constantly to the end…
When will I go
On my own
Or God’s way…
I ponder this
Now
Everyday
Watching her
Wither away…
My mother said
The day you die
Is the happiest of days
Pain, worry and sadness
Are taken away..:
I pray for her daily
As I know her better
Than any that she’d
Never have chosen
This way…
Yet there she sits
On our camera
And in her mind
I can feel her words
Screaming; as would mine
Why God,
Why this way…
It saddens me
To see the mess that is made
Yet no view of clean up
In anyone’s sight but me…
My body is no longer
In the marathon of
Cleaning that used to drive
Me from morning til night
And after work
Well past midnight…
Those days are gone
No more to return
As the brain is weary
The muscles and bones
Degenerating with age
My future is dim
And going back
There’s no turn around lane
Forging forward
Is the only path
As the sun sinks
And my body
Begins to stink
With age….
Continuation…
Heart ache
Mind thought
Deep soul search
Need becomes
Obligation
Not wanting…
Timing
An
Exit
Snow….makes me cry….
Never can forget that night…
He answered the phone
As I rocked our youngest
Seeing his face
With such sad eyes
Brought tears to mine…. Not yet knowing…why
He held out the phone
And turned away
Knowing the words
My dad was about to say
Your mom just died….
We don’t know why
But she’s gone
You need to come home right away
She died on the floor
Beneath the Christmas tree
January 2…46 years ago
50 years 1/2/2022
Seems like a dream now… to me
She was tired when we left
After our family holiday
But never expected she would be
Gone the next day
She told me so much
In the two weeks before that day
Things she kept inside… Now feeling she just had to say
There will be she said…
A funeral soon… I’m seeing my parents here every night and day … though long ago they passed away
Was she letting me know these were the last of her days
As I laid on her bed she kept
Talking away…
It was the 15th Christmas
In our house…..she designed
The drive home….
Just a flash in my thoughts
Even though we were eight or more hours away
We got there at five
Went to where she was laid
Never dreamed I would
Be seeing my mother this way
She was beautiful and calm
Perfectly placed…
With no movement… no words
No smile on her face…
Her makeup was perfect… Her hair just her way Her glasses sat like she just fell asleep On this couch after a long… hectic day
As this daughter approached This beautiful box
Knelt down at her side
And cried on her cheek… That was blushed a pale pink
I am 23 years…you are 32 more
At such a young age
Why are we here in this place
Within 2 hours
Everyone…
She knew stood in line….for hours… To see her just one more time
The morning
Before…
They closed her away
We kissed her and hugged her
And touched her once more
My tears fell
My heart quaked
I cried and called out to her…
Begging her to wake…
The funeral was beautiful
She wanted all White
The Mass of the Resurrection
Was her request
And her right
Putting her into the ground
I will never forget
She hated the cold
And it was freezing that day
Later that evening I stood by her grave A mound of brown dirt In a cemetery of hundreds Blanketed with sparkling snow Nothing was visible…she seem all alone
Six feet down
Under all the funeral flowers
Frozen in place
In below zero weather
Never more would I see
My beautiful mother
….Then I remembered
We forgot her warm coat
I think of that now…
And still cry
Everytime that it snows…
*jcs
Torment again…
Did you take up my gifts…
Some of them…
Did the cookies come…
I don’t know…
It’s Christmas Eve
You’re there
He isn’t
Making our time
The brothers continue
On edge again…
Christmas time
Is a bit hectic
But now that age
Has set in
Kids are grown
This Santa’s helper
Has taken off her running shoes
Shut down her Christmas baking
And only shops
Through Amazon…
Cataract removal
Shots in the knees
And bi- weekly therapy
Has interrupted most
Of my days
The gallbladder removal
Earlier this year is
Still giving me some
Trouble with eating
And planning my day…
Thankfully our kids
Have a good hands on
And our family will be together
At Sue’s and Lynne’s
For Christmas…
Carpeting for the family room
Will be our gift to each
Other as 24 years of living
Have put some ripples in
This flooring although it
Still looks good…like this
Aging couple with a few
Wrinkles due to age!
Complaints
Daily
About one thing or another
Put aside…
His time away from me
Has given us space
That is not benificial
To us…
Hurt is the feeling
When I don’t have
The same time
Or attention as others…
Aging
Gives us torment
Especially at night…
3am your heart starts pounding
Waking you out of sleep…
You put your hand on you chest
You can feel it
echoing in your brain
Thinking of waking husband
Then realize…he’ll call
An ambulance…
If it’s a heart attack?
Will I come back from it
Better than I am now?
I doubt it
So why go to the hospital…
Say an act of contrition
And leave it in God’s hands…
Just go back to sleep
Counting the beats
Like God’s sheep…
Torment
I wonder why they
Constantly torment
Each other…
This time
No room in car…
Brothers!!!!!
Trying…
Yet nothing is enough…
Giving him absolute time
Yet can’t return the same
Knew when surgery was
Yet took the out when offered
Not realizing the importance of
Commitment…
Kind of the same example
3 people in a sinking boat
Who gets the life jacket …
I know the answer better
Than anyone…
Sharing
At the later years is hard
Worried about him traveling
Alone
But can’t travel with him
He can’t divide his time
Or attention when with her
I understand and therefore stay
In my domain
Between a rock
And family is worse then
Riding the rapids…
Can’t talk to anyone
Any leak will hurt and
Cause more problems…
I shouldn’t be here
I shouldn’t have been
Brought into the middle
Yet here I am
The only voice
And someone with none…
How we coexist…
Is beyond me…
His idea of getting things
Together and done
Is to pull it all
Out…have it all over
Then decide to cook…
Wrapping paper and gifts
On table
Computer
Pie crust dough and cans
Of cranberries on counter
I can’t exist in this chaos…
If I straighten up
He’s behind me starting
Something new…
Now watching EKU on his
Phone….
Just another day
And we’ll
Be away
As I stay, he’ll
Be with his mom for a
Few days
I return SOLO.,..
Yeah!!!
Statin drugs
I’ve tried them all
The leg pain
Is unbearable…
The risk of dementia
Bothers me…
Dementia is in the family
Drugs increasing the risk
Is not something
I care to introduce…
Adopted
Children of God
Through Baptism and
Belief in Jesus Christ…
Since God made Adam and Eve
The first children of God
And we are the offspring
Adoption seems out of the question to me…
Granted that the Jews
Were the chosen
We were still from
The One…
I know it’s splitting words
But…
It seems like a new teaching
To enable belief….
Fingernails
Are an obsession with me…
For 30 while working I got
Acrylics every 3 weeks with
Fill ins now and then…
I loved them and they kept my
The nails
From being eaten up by the
Threads that used to cut my nails
To the cuticles daily…
Fashion design was my calling
And sewing was the vehicle
To design…
After retirement I decided to
To give up the expensive habit
And start using Kiss nail
Press ons…
Very happy with them…
Inexpensive
Less time consuming
And their addition to my
Grooming gets me many
Compliments…
What more can I ask for??
Cleaning today
Sweeper run
Yet everywhere there are crumbs
As my other half keeps eating…
I chew Ice
He talks
Both of these habits drive
Us crazy
So compromise
He talks…I chew…
Easy for me as football
Is on this Saturday and
He can’t stop talking at
The coach on the TV…
Chew chew chew chew…
Lucky for me I bought
A counter ice machine
That makes soft ice
That doesn’t crack my teeth
Or give me brain freeze
But still drives my retired groom
Nuts…..
At our age
We have to keep doing things
That makes us aware of each
Other…
Cataract removal
5 days after
Cataract surgery
On right eye is unbelievable…
Wish the left eye surgery
Is a few weeks away…
Right eye have such bright
Vision , colors that I’m getting
Headaches from closing left
Eye and only viewing with
The right…
But the vision in the right eye
Is unbelievable…
My heart is sad today
The first Sunday
After the election
And I am so worried about
Our country…
Feelings…
I see and feel things
Others feel and see differently…
Does that make one or
The other wrong…
No… we have different
Religions, upbringing
And experiences that give
Our brain, gut and logic thinking
A view we hold tightly…
Opposites attract…
But their minds are
Wired completely different…
One’s lefthanded
One’s right handed…
I say I sent it by email
He goes to messages…
He says right I turn left…
I say righty tighty
Lefty loosie
He looks at me bewildered…
Aging is just making it more
Intense…
He just stares in bewilderment
At everything
I say…
Love will keep us together
Because communication
And understanding
Are starting to become a
Foreign language to us…
Him from one country
Me from another…
Sadness
Comes in waves…
It overwhelms your mind
And body like no other
Disease.,.
Going on
Going forward
Coming back
Are the questions it presents…
Having faith keeps one
Foot in front of
Of the other…
Boundries
Are something at this
Age I don’t think
Others realize they trespass!
I’ve been easy going most
Of my life trying to
But my now my toes are stepped on daily
From chewing ice, how much
Ice cream I eat, how late I sleep,
How much I read, how early I go
To bed and so on…
I’m not going on another trip
To sit through a presentation
Sit at a fishing stream, travel to
Late, listen to phone conversation or CNN
Through the car audio…
Been there done that
Make all feel happy and safe…
Not doing it again…
A-lot like pregnancy…
Enjoyed it a few times but
When it’s over…ITS OVER!!!
On hold
Our life is on hold
And has been for some time…
His time is filled with
Silent phone calls daily
Just watching his mom
Deteriorate in place…
He wants so much more for
Her…I understand but at 96
Her body is spent…
Our bodies and minds are
Being spent worrying about
Her…
What a way to age!!
My parens left long ago and
The feelings are all spiritual now..
What they think or would do
Have little help in my life and
Mind as their days are gone
Over 50 years and the
Gap of time feels like the
Cavernous area of the grand
Canyon…that I can’t really
Understand or feel…
Life is for the living I know
Understand and see…
Aging stops the living, begins
The grieving of having to be
Satisfied with the life one has
Led…
In my living room
A quiet get away
From the noise
Of the football games
And constant cooking
And eating in the kitchen…
I miss the kitchen of my
Childhood homes
They were walk through
Eat in kitchens
But closed off from he rest
Of the house..:
The first house on B street
Was very large, eat in
With a country table
I remember the original
Ice box containing a large
Block of ice…
We didn’t freeze things
But it kept our daily needs
Cold…
We had food delivered
Or ran to the store as needed..
We had a restaurant swinging kitchen
Door from the kitchen
Into the dining room…
Loved that door…
While eating in the dining
Room you never saw the
Prep work in the kitchen…
Grandmas house was the same
Way…
Although when they remoldeled
I think they removed the door..
Doors that swung both ways
Could cause many accidents..:
But to me open floor plans
Give little solitude in a house
And break down meal time
As the kitchen is always opened…
Leading to constant eating,
Bingeing hi and mess…
My second house was similar
With a sliding door between the
Kitchen and dining room…
After years of not giving much
Thought to house layout I
Definitely have an opinion today
Although doubt at this age if
It will matter…
But my living room is my
Go to today on the cold, rain filled
And gloomy day…
I can see the neighborhood
Outside, a see leaves changing
Colors, squirrels running around
Collecting and storing food…
It’s a place to chew my ice a
Bad habit that has appeared
Again as I’m suffering from
Anemia…
And no one yelling at me to stop
Chewing…
I meditate, think and quietly talk
To MD&B in my mind praying
They are where I believe God
Cares for them as our faith
Teaches…
I trying to pray for those who
Have offended as God teaches
He is the judge…
I wonder why I’m told
Where we need to go but
Never asked where I would like
To be and see…
Therefore my needs I realize
Are a priority only to me
And therefore find no need to
Plan or go as others determine…
Today
Really makes me wonder…
Ponder…
And Ask really…
Why!
Hubby
Cooks all day long
Uses every dish in the cupboards
Can never use the same glass
The same knife
Or the same spoon for stirring…
Me… I eat one meal a day
And it is usually fast food
So this morning when he started
Making stuffed peppers
Which I can not eat
He asked if I could empty the
Dishwasher…
I just laughed and went
On reading my book…
His passions require too much
Clean up…
And will never find me
By his side…
Retirement has its benefits…
Realizing everyone can
Do their own thing
Love keeps us together
But not hand in hand…
Mental acuity…
Connecting the dots-
Realizing the consequences
Of one’s actions and words –
Not realizing doing it the same
Way and not getting the right
Result must lead to a different
Method –
The decline is noticible
The frustration is noticible
The aging is showing signs
Of decline in both he and I –
He’s not handling it well nor
Am I…..
I’m Up 10 minutes
And he hasn’t stopped talking
I have’t begun talking
No need…
He leaves no spaces…
There are both
Light and blight
Each day and night
Yet sunshine gives the
Blight a shinier sight
Then the ghoulish fear
Coming with the dark
Of night…
Sugar plums
Dancing in his mind
And Christmas isn’t even nigh
But tonight
Thinking of me brings
Happy thought to his mind…
Early and younger years
Come in when we are apart
The thoughts that
Melted our hearts
When school and work
Kept us apart…
Now the needs of an elder
A love of early days
That let you wonder
Cries for you back again
I can only wait til the
Need is fulfilled
And the trip back home
Is part of the drill
To complete the needs
Of the other one waiting…
He…
Came to visit in my
Dream last night…
As daylight broke
My face was smiling
From cheek to cheek…
Jumping out of bed
I was about 3
He stood by the sink
With the cup and brush
In hand… this early morning
Was our routine…
He taught me how to make
His shaving cream with soap
In the cup a bit of water
And the twirling of the brush…
I was his honey bunch he was
My grandpa…
I love this time with him…
No one else was stiring
He left for work by 4am
After tucking me back in bed…
Today will be a good day
After spending this time
With him…
Only a dream
But oh so real
Wonder why he came
To me last night…
Yep, I’ll be searching Amazon
For that brush, soap and cup…
Why…why not
It will be a treasure to keep
Him near….
My heart is full…
Of Joy
Tonight…
Our past presidents
And their 1st Ladies
Have beautiful minds
Echoed in their words…
COVID and an ignorant
And self-center president
Almost brought our
Great Nation to a halt
By following dictators
Who care very little about
Their fellow man…
Tonight our sprits have been
Raised…
With the breathe of God’s Joy
Again instilled in our hearts
And minds
Pushing us to build on this
Experiment…
And foundation of our
Forefather’s
Democracy
Higher and stronger
Forward American’s…
We’re not Going Back…
Wow hot peppers cooking…
And I have to leave the house
Wonder if that
Could kill someone
With throat and lung
Problems…
Me thinks…
They protest
Too much……..
Spin and backpeddling
Occur when
Guilt sets in…
Chords…
The big discourse
This week…
He hates that I don’t
Wrap the chord the
Neat way it shows how to…
The neat way is for people
Who have too much
Time on their hands…
Like MRG…
On the other hand
Every time I use the sweeper
I see more electrical tape…
Wrapped around the chord
Where he must have run it
Up in the sweeper…
Then there is the fact that
I have bought 2 outside
Extension chords for
Our hedge trimer because
He chewed through 2
But now the new ones are in the
Trash…
And outside electrical outlets
Are blown….
Some how the way I wrap
The chord to put away
Is moot in my eyes…
Wow…
Hospice care
DNR seemed to be
Part of the topic today…
She hasn’t been eating
Was what I thought the
Problem was…
Aging is something
That takes so much
Of life away…
Today was sad to
See them address
This situation…
To say he’s unhappy
About the vice president’s
Pick is mild…
I mentioned last night
That would probably be the
Pick…
He’s kind of a good old boy
Although on the cusp of the
Age…
He also seems a bit bland
And un showy…
I’m not impressed
Yet
Okay…
Heard his speech
I love him
Hubby is warming up too…
22 years old…
And still as good as new…
Just a new battery and she’s
Purring like her normal self…
Bought her to celebrate my
Status of being a grandma…
My 1st grandson will be 23 in
November… Happy birthday
My little Miata…
One of his
Girls calls..
Off he flies
With carrots, celery and
A garlic…
She’s making something
And is out of the trinity
So her Super dad to the rescue…
He also has potato salad and a
Sausage sandwich in hand…
And of course he’ll get a piece
Of her Black Forest Cake….
My 2 chefs meeting and
collaborating today…
Has she planned this
To give me alone time…Hmmm
Mulching his triangle..
He’s been working on this when ever he can… Mentioning black mulch…out he ran to Home Depot for 19 bags of mulch!
I didn’t realize my input meant so much but it’s now covered in black mulch and I love it…
He does work to please even though he grumbles at times!
I wish I had his energy, I can’t blame age as he’s only 2weeks older!
It’s been years…
But before 2 of the most influential women in my life passed away…they both gave me the same instruction!
If a women ever runs for president vote for her!!! Vote for her!!! You’ll never realize what we went through as women being considered property and 2nd class citizens!
So now is the time!!
My mouth…
Is hard to keep closed
When I get angry
Words escape that even
I hate to hear…
My buttons get pushed
And my words ignite
The anger as the buttons
Seems to always be set
On high…
My pilot light is always
Flickering…it’s what keeps
Me alive..why anyone
Would want to push it
To high and ignites the heat…
I wish I could deride
Before the flash and burn
Of ugly language erupts…
Putting it off…
Why when I feel awful
I try to set up the test
My Dr. wants…
And can never get it done
Due to the over load
Of the hospital…
Today of course I feel
Great and wonder if
I really need to schedule it…
Of course I know
Tomorrow could be
A painful day and
Wish I had the test done…
Aging sucks
Trying to enjoy the good days
But know the bad days are
Coming…
Things…
Are taken for granted
Until they stop
Working…
Then the disruption
It causes your life
Is quite irritating…
Having a service
Person in your house
Having to find another
Place to keep foods
Cold and frozen
And not have icecubes
For your ice tea
Can really throw your days…
Thankfully we have a great
and a very
Kind, interesting and well
Educated repair man…
So the inconvenience has
Given us an education…
When he was asked by
His sister who lives in a different
country about Trump
Being elected last time
He said No, that wouldn’t
Happen…America doesn’t
Have that many stupid
People…obviously, he said
he was wrong…
I just hope they have wised
Up for this election…
Well said…
Hope the American people
Learned…
But I’m doubtful
As I know an awful
Lot of Jackasses…
Frowns
Seem to be the face
These days…
Not sure why
But happy faces
Are hard to find…
Trump trump trump
Seem to haunt
Our days
And we’ll be so happy
When he’s defeated
Come November…
I’m praying
On that day
That it be
A prison term
For Trump that will
Be the news of
That Day…
Beautiful day
Did a little yard
Work with hubby
Til Cicadas overwhelmed
My body and hearing….
I must have carried
A half dozen into the
House
And ran onto the porch
To shake them off…
Frogs are all around
And I’m not that much
Of a nature girl
So I’m staying in
He house hoping
Those bugs leave soon…
Respect your haters
I was once told…
She thinks
You are better
Than her
And it is her
Only way to cope….
So hold your
Head high…
Days
There are days
I don’t know you
And wonder how it
Can be
Then I realize how many
Days you’re now
Away from me…
There are buddies
There are family
There are people
I don’t know
They all have some
Influence
While I’m here
Waiting
All alone…
Your vocabulary
Has words that
Aren’t your own
And our life has
Definitely taken on a
Different tone
I thought retirement
Was to be…
Ours alone…
Truly Baffled
Trump
Lies
Impeached
Twice
Felon
34 charges
Republicans
Backing
The worst
Guy
Alive
A conman
Sham
Snake-oil salesman
He Shamed men
Who still back him
Does power
Mean more
Than their integrity…
How can their
Families not intercede
Maybe the upside
Down flag
Of Alido was
His wife’s sign
For help…
Who gives up
Their soul for power…
Obiously
Thomas
Alido
Jordan
Republicon’s
Who are also conning
Their followers…
Can our Military
Men and women
Back a man who
Calls them suckers
And losers….
I’m not judging
But their are many
People I don’t want
To be standing by
When the final
Trumpets sound…
Bullies
Belittle
Put down
Make themselves look better
But in whose eyes…
Usually their own…
It’s built in their DNA
If you see one
You’ll find
They followed
Another…
There’s a saying
In the Bible to handle this…
“Those who are exhaulted
Shall be humbled…”
I used to do it all
I no longer desire the work
At this age…
When??
Do you call it
Stop it
See it
And take a stand
Or walk away…
My answer
As soon as you can
Especially when
One realizes
They live by a different
Compass
Morals
Guidelines
Or live under another control…
The shorter
The life… ones glasses
Magnify to a slimmer
View…
No longer able
To look at the whole
Picture
But concentrate
On the pasts pertaining
To you
Realizing the specks of
Mortar are failing
And not being adressed
And fixed…
One can only repair
What is self owned
Or those asking
For help…
Words
Hurt
Cut
Destroy
Intimidate
Blur
Handicap
Choke
Disable
Wound
Restrict
Injure
And sorry
And Love you
In one word
Without action
Can’t repair…
Watching
Him make potato salad
Makes me want to stop
All summer holidays…
Cooking and
Eating
Constantly…
Leaving dishes in the sink
And stuff on the counters
Now wanting to make
Potato Salad…
Saying he has lots to do
But not in the mood
To clean up dishes and kitchen…
I’m not falling for that…
Not my mess
When he cleans up his mess
And is interested in something
Other than the kitchen
I will come in and clean
And scrub
Knowing the mess will
Begin when everything shines
And I won’t touch anything
Till my once a day cleaning
Begins tomorrow
When his attention is off
Food…
Have a torn meniscus and edema
And still don’t feel great after gallbladder surgery
At 76 these painful, sleepless
Nights are beginning to
Upset me….
18 hours
Home
Before first burned pan
And hot pepper’s
Burning
My throat…
Reset
To our life after
10 days back at home…
We both get used to
Being alone except
He’s with his mom…
And I’m alone
Dealing with our life,
Home and bills
And he’s keeping his
Mom company in her
Nursing home…
So reseting to constant
Talking, questions
, different
TV perferences
Different eating times and
Tastes cause some raised
Voices, impatient answers
And moving to different
Rooms to get our space back
That for 10 day increments
Were ours alone…
The only good I see out of
This 10 year living situation
Is it is preparing us for
Being alone as one of us passes…
I’m praying we both
Outlive his mom so we
Have some retirement
Time together before our
Memories don’t…
Remember each other…
Not
Impressed with
Impress nails
The moment I use
My hands the nails
Flip off…
Now having trouble
Getting Dash Diva’s
That I love
They stay til I
Remove…
Went to bed
Even though there
Was still a tornado
Warning…
I put my faith in
God…
Iced tea
And snowballs
My meal of choice
It goes down easily
And doesn’t
Require tums…
Yesterday passed
Without any bad news
But the fear was unbearable
For a few short minutes
Wondering what
Life could be like…
My thoughts on tomorrow…
Tomorrow will be
Fine no matter the
Outcome…
Time to think and
Ponder about this
Life at present…
Not here at a
Fearsome time gives me pause…
with more of the same
Not giving hope…
Handling
Situations
As the come up
With the same
Care and understanding
As given to me…
I know who I am
And what God expects
Of me…
Guiding me
To avoid heartbreak
And occasions
Of sin…
Leave me a text…
I’m on sabbatical as
You attend to your mom…
I want no direction
No chores… just me time
Alone…caring about myself..
Only me…
Nevermore
Cookies I love
Becomes hers..:
Only me
Never more…
If
No one is watching
Do they really care
I noticed it today
He at Wendys door
Me still in the car
Trying to get out…
At urgent care
earlier
With people all around
He ran to get the car door
And helped me hobble
In…
Funny how quick they forget
You’re a bit helpless
And in pain
When they think
No ones looking…
Raising
Your family and each
Leave the nest
Pursuing their own way…
Like we too left the nest
And went in our direction…
Different from theirs
Different from ours
Creating the life that
Makes them happy and well…
Stays longer than 3 days
Is an intrusion on them
And stress on us…
Our views are different
As is our lifestyle…
Another Sunday
In the books…
Seems like last Sunday
All over again…
Putting on a
Great burden
With words of inclusuion
Happening way before one’s time…
Using one
As the judge and jury
To carry on the torture
Of someone knowing
The beguilement…
Having no guilt
But the look of disdain
Is always there in the
Stare and voice…
How to be near
Without the fear…
Will always
Be the one …
who bears the knowledge
…therefore the hate…
A burden for both
one who knows
And one who deceived…
In the end does it matter
As one bears the lothing
… the other… the beguile…
My Retired Groom 