Today I am 70.   Even though it’s just a number it messes with my head. And, yes I will agree, it’s better then being dead, but just the same, it messes with my head.

70 is just a number but it just keeps marching on, because in another 364 days I’ll be heading to 71.  My body aches, I can’t remember names and as time marches passed nothing remains the same.  My patience has grown shorter my temper is the same.  Things that didn’t matter before I now can’t even name.  I’m glad my children are independent I wish my hubby was the same but as we grow older with time just marching on, he and I are forever asking,  What’s that person’s  name?

I no longer want to leave, the comfort of my home and hubby gets impatient that I love to be alone.  My mind no longer embraces the thought of what’s to come but constantly remembers everything we’ve done.  I’ve lost the fear of dying, and I fearfully feel I’ve lost the joy of living although I love to ride and just see scenery.  I’d rather read then hear, I’d rather see then look, I’d rather hear then listen  and I love hiding in a book.  The person I was, will never be the same, because 70 has now become my name and 71 is my future, if things remain The same.

Looking for his glasses for 1 hour tonight.  He cannot multitask.  He cannot walk and chew gum.  When we were younger and I was working, I called home to make sure all the kids were home and getting their homework done.  I asked If the kids were home and he said he was stirring the spaghetti sauce and couldn’t do everything.  All of a sudden the phone went dead.  Jumped in the car and got home as soon as I could.  Not thinking when he answered the phone he pulled the cord across the top of the stove which had a burner on with no pot on it and burn the phone cord in half.  Can’t stir and answer the phone.

So we are here many years later and he lost his glasses while shaving, showering, getting clothes out of the hamper to bring down stairs, putting cream on a rash, changing into another sweater and while multitasking put his glasses somewhere.  I found them in another bedroom that he wondered into while multitasking.  I can’t get that time back.

I saw first hand how politics takes precedence over one’s integrity.  Dick Durbin will always have my vote and I suggest some of the other Senators like Sens. Cotton and Purdue do penance before their time is up.  Maybe they need to be wearing perpetual lie detector devises that ring out when they speak to teach them what lies are and to let Congress and people know  they don’t own or practice truth or integrity.

Patience is shot today.  Don’t want to look for, show, help, answer, feel bad for, listen to, hold hands with, hug, or go with anyone, especially the one.

Often erupts inside me when events happen that seem like de’veue at least the sounds do.  Sounds that bring to mind an unhappy day that makes one relive a very unhappy and unfortunate event that can’t be erased from my memory.  Tears fall again.

Alone time is NOT overrated.  There is even a song about it.  “EVERYONE NEEDS SOME TIME ALONE”.  Think that’s the name.  Alone time means silence. Silence to think, to recover from all the nonsense that everyone throws at you on an hourly basis.  Listening to everyone’s problems, ideas, complaints, gripes, fears, wonderings, and beliefs leaves little room for your own thoughts or piece of mind.  Piece/Peace of mind, which is it?  Both is the answer.  We all have our piece of mind and desire Peace of Mind.  Both come back  when one has time alone.  Counting the days until I can enjoy this tranquility again.  Til then … My mind  continues to absorb what everyone else utters and throws against my brain diluted with my own thoughts on most subjects.

Oh where did the madman come from?  Took a nap and found a different person on awakening.

What set it off tonight.  CNN, TRUMP, the Steelers loss, unending teasing, realizing the mess or just sick of the time spent doing nothing.  Whatever, the sound and attitude brings back awful memories.  Realizing how life is ruled still makes me sad.  There has to be a better way.

My mind seems to be replaying parts of my life.  It’s not daydreaming it’s just vivid memories flashing through my mind.  Is there a message that needs to be interpreted, corrected or resolved.  I can’t say I feel any guilt for any of my life and if taken back to certain stages I’m not sure I would do anything different unless circumstances of the moment were different.  Is this my life beginning to flash back letting me know my days are limited? Yes, at this age, the years are limiting down to a precious few, birthdays, holidays, moments of joy, times of sadness are dwindling to a handful of moments to be treasured more, with less decorations and preparations but with more love, hugs and words of encouragement.

As a teenager I remember the conflicts with my mother as her views and mine were so different and I bulked instead of honoring her opinions.  I see the honor my husband gives his mother, as she is progressing through dementia and making unending and off the wall demands, with love, consideration and obedience.   At this time in my life my only responsibility I feel is to give my husband the time and accolades as he eases his mother’s mind with his love and constant attention.  As I witness his unending patience and love I realize this is the reason I knew he was the one, the sweet person that I wanted to spend my life with.

So as the memories flash and my clocks chime and no one knows for whom the bell tolls, I pray that my time has not come and that I have more tolling bells left to fulfill Gods role for me in this life before He shows me what His after life has in store for me.

Senator Durbin, thank you, for calling out the liar, Donald Trump by name.

Makes waking up a sad day for America.  We have a man with no character at the helm.  He doesn’t know the truth, he doesn’t see truth, he doesn’t care about truth, how can anyone in this world trust him?

Me out of the house seems to be my daughters new priority.  So we are meeting on Tuesdays for lunch. They are calling it Tuesdays with Jane.   They have decided that I know the family history and they need to document it while my mind is still intact.  Since my girlfriend has been diagnosed with Alzheimer’s they are now aware how short life is and they also realize that I prefer staying in my house more than they think I should.  Love that they care much.

Is his go to more days of the weeks than it should.  Tonight as usual his question Is?  Do you think you could handle tomato sauce Tonight?  Let’s see, about as mich as you can handle penicillin.   I’m not sure how your reaction would be as I’ve never seen you take it.  But you witness my unending indigestion, constant choking and inhaling glasses of milk to kill the burn in my throat and stomach and walking the floor at 2 am with no relief but you somehow can’t understand that tomato sauce is not my friend.  Maybe I should answer the question one last time with can you handle me running the car over your body.  But I don’t think you’d hear me as you love tomato sauce and seem to think I should too.  For better or for worse.  Tomato sauce isn’t the better and isn’t the worse so I’l l eat the crust and let you enjoy the saucey part.  Yep love hurts and burns even after all these years.

The memories from my MIL about my girlfriends mother and then hearing the same story told by my girlfriend’s memory of her mother stories are hilarious.  Both mother’s oldest sons are the same age but the mothers are 12 years different in age.  Hearing the story of raising the boys in the same neighborhood is unbelievable.  One view says they dress their children like poor orphans.  The other view sees the older mother looking like a call girl because she is always dressed up and wearing makeup.  Having card clubs with cocktails and the other explaining how you couldn’t carry on a conversation with someone who’s only knowledge was cleaning, cooking and gardening.  Matters of government and world policies never seemed to enter their heads.  Age, education, jobs, and income have a great influence on dividing neighbors into classes even in a small town.  Growing up I heard terms like Little Italy, Shanty Town, the Projects etc., yet never saw these lines of demarcations as I crossed them daily with my many friendships.  I think only once, did a teacher refer to growing up on the hill and looking down on us, when he brought up a subject of income variation in teaching, using my home as an example.  Another when my grandfather asked why I couldn’t bring home a nice Irish boy, which of course raised my Irish temper as I gave him the answer in a truthful manner which he couldn’t deny.  Times were a changing as we were living and growing up but never realized.  You can never see the forest when you are living among the trees.

Is like living with a mouse in your house.  There’s crumbs on the floor.  Everything becomes out of place.  Lids are never on tight.  Sticks of butter are clawed into.  Toothpaste mints are always in the sink.  Towels are on the floor.  Oh wait….not a mouse it’s your spouse… he’s here 24/7 now!

When I get on the phone does he become a child and makes demands on me.  Refusing to stop or saying no ends up in an argument.  Gets old.

The radiologist, after asking my date of birth, inquired about how it felt to be 70.  I said, like a 17 year old trying to drive her grandfather’s model T.  The mind is still young but the chassis is an antique.  Hard to start and not running at top speed.  She let out a laugh and said she never heard that discription before but it sure summed up the situation that she sees most women my age feeling.

As I tell my husband, at our age we may speak of a hot night but foreplay may be it.  In our minds the little red engine that could 50 years ago, today, is just all steamed up but just can’t.

The nodoz we took in college to keep us up studying for a big exam, we now use to get us through the 6 o’clock news.

About my legs.  Can only walk so long before the heaviness in my calves make me have to sit.  If I walk too much then the weakness and heaviness in my left leg gets so intense that I can’t pick up my foot to get over a curb or in a car causing me to trip.  Having been out sight seeing with my daughter after Thanksgiving my legs became sore, heavy, swollen and hard.  My ankles swelled and became so tight the skin split.  The swelling caused my toes to go numb and the pain to go up my legs to my buttocks. Sleeping is hard as my legs ache unless I take 3 Advil.

Resolutions 2018.

Drop pounds, attend mass more, get healthy, join something, find lower cost insurance, get rid of unused clothes,  get new family room carpet, get a shimmer for my grandfather clock, change coloring in upstairs bath, be happy, get basement fixed, get office cleaned out and arranged, restain patio, get hearing checked.

 

The money constantly drives me nuts.

Wish you would count the spending with such fever.  The food is freezer burning and we will never get to it this year as you add new to it constantly.  The internet is a 24/7 shopping spree and you find no spending problems as you can charge.

The insurance, the electric and gas bills along with your cell phome goes up much faster than our income and yet you count money instead of spending.  It’s alot like your calories.  You don’t want to count what you eat but claim to be watching your weight.  Today you say you made a killing in the stiock market and could buy a new car with the cash.  My reaction, well sell the stock, buy the car before the Trump inflated market crashes.  Just has to soon!

Parents can be a real challenge.

Slipping?  6 boys in my home for a period of time can be challenging.  I love them dearly but also see their good and their bad points.  Running around the house, jumping on furniture makes me think they lack training of respect for others property and don’t take care of their own.  As they age you would expect to see them doing chores or at least picking up their own things.  Yes raising boys and girls are different but the respect that should be in each child is lacking to some degree.  I feel I’m pretty easy going but my things and my home have taken many years and many dollars to have what I have now and don’t expect the boys to damage it and disrespect it.

Writing my thoughts down so they don’t disappear in my brain with no filing system going forward upstairs.  God hasn’t provided the update to memory that His geniuses have built into there mechanical computer brains.  Someone needs to invent the chip to expand our memory as the population is outliving the storage capacity of God’s humans brain.

This is my 69 Christmas on earth and each one has a special meaning.  This year not cooking, not baking, not traveling is the theme of this Christmas.  My kids have stepped in and taken care of the gathering of family for eating, gift giving, and celebrating the birth of Christ as a continuous celebration of love among our family.

After all these years of being home base for the gathering of our children, grandchildren, and all family members just celebrating with the two of us is relaxing and enjoyable.  Heading toward 70 in just days and weeks has its benefits.

The legs no longer permitt long hours of baking that used to be the norm along with last minute trips to the mall to make sure all 20+ gathered would have some morsel to unwrap.  The trip has been wonderful but the tradition needs to pass to those whose bodies haven’t slowed with age and still enjoy the hustle and bustle of noise and excitement .  Never thought I would enjoy the peace and quiet of just the two of us.  We don’t need the calories from the pounds of fudge and cookies that used to line tins on our counters.  The decorations have slimmed down and the gifts that Santa used to hide  have been placed under our tree as they have been wrapped.  The two of us no longer need or want anything but just want health and happiness for our kids.  We ache for friends who have lost a child or two and thank God that this sorrow has not been in his plan for us.

Christmas cards have long since left my list of Christmas to dos along with many other tasks that no longer seem necessary to make Christmas glow.  I’m hoping to feel the holiness of the season now that I’m not so involved in all the tinsel of it.

Wondering how many more Christmases my retired groom and his retired bride will see as our twilight years are upon us.  I pray God doesn’t  see fit to end our journey around some future Christmas as it has added a sadness at Christmas for me and I don’t wish this mood on my children.

Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night.

As to why my legs ache and swell.  Can walk a few minutes and then the aching begins until it turns to pain and walking is unbearable.  Swelling is the next problem.

I am more sad than I’ve ever been.  Is hard for him to worry and care for 2 people at the same time.

One of my best high school friends today has left me with a heavy heart.  She’s been diagnosed with Alzheimer’s and I’m heartbroken.  Spent the afternoon with her yesterday and it’s visible.  But since we share a childhood, teenage and college past we can communicate to a great extent with no problem.  But the now is something she can’t hold on to.  I pray that our time together will remain and that we can offer her daughter support as she wades through this time of memory loss.

 

Heart aches today.  I’m not sure why except at this time of year I get very lonely.  In a sea of family, those that are missing really bring tears to my eyes.

Does his voice raise to a hysterical pitch when he’s about out of power on his cell phone?  His hello immediately make my stomach burn as he makes me think he lost his wallet, sprained his back or is at the hospital getting news that his pain is from a terminal hang nail.  He said a message came up on his phone that said he must download an app immediately.  When is he going to realize this is a hack or a sales pitch.  And yes the car’s engine light came on again and it worries him but why not go to a Chevy dealer and see if its okay to drive home about 600 miles away or does it need fixed now.  His mind runs wild with worst case scenarios.  Thus the reason I’m warm and safe and unaffected here at home.  His escalated tone of voice hurts my shoulders and I’m sure. raises his blood pressure because saying good bye, not to him but to his hysterical tone of voice, lowers mine.

Just happy he’s staying at the cozy motel, because the two kids that work behind the desk help him out.  With directions, lost and locked out keys and love listening to his over told stories that they enjoy as they are hearing them for the first time.  They provide breakfast and give him the attention he needs at such a low room rate.  Plus they have guided him to a geat hot dog house for lunch and two great dinner fares for steak and mexican.  I’m sorry I missed the fun but just couldn’t take the ride after 12 days being gone for Thanksgiving.

 

Alone is a needed period of time that everyone needs from time to time.

My car be hacked by dealers who want to sell a new car to the owner of an older car that we are thinking of replacing.  Crazy, RIGHT?  But in today’s world, is it that farfetched?  In a world where our president seems to feel that all is fair in business deals and has taken thi s form of operation into the White House,  I worry.  We have been searching for a new SUV to replace our wonderful 9 year old beauty that has given us no trouble, and all of a sudden acting up. Flashing lights to warn of engine problems.  Just crossing my mind and need to write it somewhere in case my thoughts could be reality.  Ever since the ignition switch incident that GM deliberatly installed cars with an inferior one to save $$s, my radar is buzzing with every business transaction I make.  It is sad that a president could cause the US population to look over it’s shoulder at all interactions between its people because our president has made visible the worst in our people and leaders.

Wants to get the  Christmas tree and who wants to get the pot roast on?  Yep, the retired wife is getting the tree.  No chopping, searing or peeling and no clean up for me.

Tree bought and transported home in 45 minutes.  Now he needs my help to get it out of the car!  Thank God he can cook!

 

Miss the guy who thought I could do everything.  Miss the man who thought I could do no wrong.  Thinking often of you dad.  Miss my biggest fan.

Fix the microwave until he leaves for his hunting trip.  Drilling another hole in our cabinets will not go over well with him.  Not sure yet how to do it but I’m sure I will have to drill a hole somewhere.

Level of anger is absurd when the word no is invoked.  Each individual has free will and therefore the answer no is a lawful and entitled answer when one’s request is inappropriate and disgusting to the one being asked.

Is overwhelming me.  Not sure if seeing my MIL in a nursing home or being back in my hometown with no home of my own to go to has triggered thi s depression.  Mrs. T kept the home fires burning for me, now, I have no where to put my emotions or love but at the cemeteries.  I keep seeing my name engraved in stone and sitting in a cemetery in my dreams but the date of death is never visible.  I’m down and trying to shake it but can’t.  Just want to sleep.  Fearful of what life ahead is going to do in this uneasy world with an immoral man leading our country.

Get away from his telephone conversations.  From calling our Senator daily to phoning retirement accounts to change passwords and repeating out loud every word the person on the other end of the conversation says.  This constant daily, hourly, moment by moment  chatter increases the dueling between my tintinittus and voice tones of disgust, rage and escalation of his irritability with those on the phone.  My only relief is that the chatter isn’t directed at me although I will hear it again as he relives his daily convsations with his brother, mother or anyone within eyesight or earshot.

Sure what to think.  After colonoscopy Dr. said all was great, removed a benign polyp.  Got biopsy report today and the polyp was benign pre cancerous adenomas.  Uneasy about waiting 3 years to the next colonoscopy.??????

Is starting to creep into my life as my daughter’s PD is progressing.

 

Understand my feelings today.  Seeing my MIL in a nursing home is breaking me.  My husband is so lucky to be able to care for her the way he does as she is heading into her 90s.  I am longing to comb my mother’s hair and hold her hand again but God’s plan took her from me so many years ago she seems like a dream.  Her face appears in my dreams at times but her voice is always silent.  Time is so short and yet she’s been gone so long.  I am happy that God’s plan also took my dad shortly after so she would not be alone.  I wish my faith was as strong as theirs as I fear I won’t have them picking me up at the last bus stop.  I see their names engraved on their tombstones and yet they are foreign to my lips from lack of use.  Not hearing their voices or using their names make their existence even more clouded in my memory. Seeing the love my husband gives to his mother makes my heart ache for mine. And emptyness his mother never filled.

Are beginning to creep up on my eyesight.  Colors aren’t as bright, road signs are hard to read. My eye Dr. said I can have surgery any time.  Will have to think it through.  Get a new pair of glasses first and then see where I am.  Having my eyes monkeyed with just makes me shiver.

Meal before procedure on Friday will be?????  Mariano’s pumpkin pie.  It was so good.  Y UMMY

About next weeks redo colonoscopy.  Praying the polyps stay out and benign.

Is still talking about our hunting trip and can’t wait to go back in December.  I’m hoping I’ll be up for the trip in cold and snow.

Out there in acres of corn,  tramps my retired groom.  Realizing that I would be looking for him, he packed me binoculars.  All these things that he has been collecting in his 42 years of working to be used in retirement.  So glad his dreams are coming true and I’m here to share it with him.

 

 

Of hunters in town today for the weekend.  We scouted this place out last night.  Coming up the road we saw hunters and their cars dotting the corn fields and were happy to see no one in the spot we were coming too.  One of the guides that charge $300/per gun gave him a few ideas on fields to try so here we are.  Saw a few take off but too far away to take a shot or a hen and not a rooster.  Learning the language and the routine of pheasant hunting.  Still glad to have my Verizon network that keeps me connected to the rest of the world.  But having fun being here at the intersection of 418 Ave and 422 Steet somewhere in South Dakota with my retired groom..

May not be a great shot but he sure looks good in his hunting gear.  Pheasant hunting today in South Dakota.  Where’s his retired bride?  Staying warm in the car, taking pictures and hoping not to hear any gun shots,  because I don’t field dress birds.  I don’t cook them either.

West to Nebraska or South Dakota to hunt Pheasant with my retired groom.

Is an Uber driver in the Chicago area.  Fearful that she has decided on this job but happy she only drive daylight hours.  Hope she is adjusting her schedule to daylight savings hours.

The JFK investigations at this time will not change the Russia/Trumpgate inquisition. Pres. TRUMP is a firm believer of throwing  everything at the American people so they will be blind by the time the truth comes shining through.

Praying that Mr. Mueller can and will expose this untruthful, manipulative man who does not honor the office he holds.

On his first day home after 10 days away.  Raking the leaves, cutting the grass and now cleaning out the gutters.  Homeownership has is downside, the chores are always here and just continue to back up until you get home.  Need to get the snow blower primed now.  Cold weather and snow are heading our way.

We go on a road trip.  OMG… You would have thought I just said we won the lottery.  Why??  The road trip I suggested was one going West including pheasant hunting.  So we will be heading west.  Of course while he’s hunting I plan on sleeping in, in a nice hotel.  Maybe a little shopping, playing a few slots and hoping he gets lucky with a few pheasants.  Our neighbor will cook them.

I do have a few stipulations for the trip.  No CNN, 2 phone calls per day and limited clothes along with no rampages about the driving, texting and odd behavior skill of other drivers.  Also no sleeping in the car.  No loud music and no ball games on the radio.  He must really want to go hunting and doesn’t want to go alone to agree with all my demands.  I also will not go into the field and flush those birds toward him or one of us might not return from this roadtrip.

IQ  he claims is high.  I think it’s only higher than his supporters.

Our president could make our world more peaceful and loving.  I don’t think that is his intent.  Instead he’s the epitome of the school yard bully.  Poking and spewing words that insight and cause headlines.  Numbers and self congratulating  pats on the back seems to be his only agenda and self creating issues.  I feel he’s turning the Whitehouse into a stage for what he sees as his reality presidential TV show with all the networks giving him more free air-time then their advertised shows pay for.  I’m sure his new motto will be “The most televised president in history.”

I hated getting up.  Another day without you is getting very depressing.

But I miss my gel nails.  Thought it was an unnecessary expense during retirement but a treat that I now know I need.

I do to keep me busy while you’re gone.

Since you do most of the cooking I thought I’d clean out these 2 places that you totally trash as you come up with your delicious meals.  Lost alot of the spice contents in the drawer as you can’t remember to close the lids tight. Vacuumed up all the spills.   I try to put the spices in alphabetical order but instead putting the ones most often used in the front.  Tomorrow I will dp the fridge and pantry.  I’m throwing out anything opened or in there too long.

Hopefully over the weekend I will be cleaning out the front closet and giving away some coats.  Will seach for your teeth before I toss.  We have too much and our closets are so full we can’t wear all we have and can’t see most of what we own.

Insurance takes a big chunk out of this retired couples monthly income.  Health, car, home insurance not to mention life insurance.  I think it’s time to cut back and use the money to pay bills rather than augment with savings to pay so much insurance.  Tough questions need to be asked and answered.  Interest rates have made savings nothing more than a piggy bank gathering dust rather than interest.  When the income becomes fixed cutbacks are needed to keep increasing bills in proportion to one’s income.  Working on those insurance policies will help greatly with their hugh absorption of our income.  Its unbelievable that interest rates are so low.  Using our money in saving accounts for almost nothing seems criminal.

 

Sadness in his voice makes my heart break.  He’s not sure about the decision.  Yet the way it was can’t be continued.  Leaving a loved one with strangers is never a good feeling but when one seems so helpless the dilemma is twice as difficult.  When he leaves I’m wondering how long before the next fall.

When it’s our turn I pray for “The Notebook” ending.

Little sister is heading over today after attending a shower at the Country Club a few blocks away.  I texted  her and told her to eat and drink and go to the bathroom there.  I don’t have anything to eat or drink and am out of toilet paper.  HUBBY is out of town and I don’t grocery shop or cook any more.  The toilet paper has always been a problem in this house.  I’m not into paper products.  Not for energy savings but because my mom was OCD about handwashing so I rebelled and guess its an ingrained OCD thing with me to keep paper products at a minimum.  Good reason to install a bidet.

I know my mom either rolled over or is shaking her head that I published her OCD problem but I got my craziness from someone and dad can’t take all the blame.  RIP mom.  I know you just elbowed dad and said, “your daughter, potty talk again”.

Sad when my brother calls and he is telling me all his blond jokes, all his nun jokes, all his religious jokes and then we laugh about all our memories and then there no sound. The silence is a bit scarey.  He then asks, “who am I talking to?”  I tell him and we laugh it off.  He’s seen 8 more years of sunsets than I have and I’m glad that all he’s lost is his short term memories. It’s fun hearing that he is doing good and always tells me he loves me.  I just wish he’d forget all those tired jokes he tells.  He sure remembers in detail all of those with no problem.

Rain go away my patio is going to float away.

Retired groom is very good at many things.  Packing for a short trip isn’t one of them.

You wake up to a pouring rain storm the best music to your ears is the constant click on and the moaning tune of a working sump pump.  This pump has been working through every rainstorm for more then I can remember.  This makes me think it may need to be retired and a new one put in its place.  This thought gives me some pause to ponder.  Its working so well.  But the only way to know it needs to be replaced is when your basement is feet deep in water.  So replacing when it is still going strong doesn’t follow the old say of- if it’s not broke don’t fix it.

Today.  Heading back to your mom’s today, relieving your brother.  Assisted living is the goal this trip but I know it will be such a bitter sweet transition for 2 boys and their mother.  My heart aches for all of you, seeing your mom vulnerable, probably for the first time in your life.  I know how my kids look when they realize I can’t or don’t want to do the things I used to.  My thoughts and prayers are with you through this emotional time and life altering change.

 

Invented these new light bulbs?  Sent hubby for bulbs a few weeks ago and I’m sure with his mom’s and brother’s input he bought the new energy saving bulbs.  A few days ago I needed to replace the bulbs over my kitchen table.  OMG.  First of all they aren’t dimmable so I won’t be turning the light on often.  But last night we had a sit down dinner and hubby put on the over the table light.  After about 15 mins.  He said what is wrong?  I feel like our kitchen table is sitting in a Wal-Mart parking lot.  Yep.  It’s the new light bulbs you bought.

He and I both decided that an analytical accountant had to have invented these bulbs.  Not an amiable designer or even a laidback homeowner.  These lights put my teeth on edge.  They don’t cast a very homey or soothing glow.  They present a harsh, commercialized atmosphere that puts a person in an uncomfortable state of mind and in a hurry to digest food and get out of the runway that the lights have turned our dinner table into.

This morning new light bulbs were on my only to do list.  They were hard to come by.  I guess we will really be cutting down on our electric bill soon, because if the old light bulbs become obsolete we will be living by candelight or in the dark by the light of a log burning fire.  The sterile operating room atmosphere is not the look Im going for and I’m sure the couple from the Fixer Upper in Waco don’t market them at their merchantile design studio.

Just another problem solved in this retired brides home.  No sending retired groom to the store when he feels the need to save energy or listen to other people’s  opinions about what will work in this home.

 

So, returning from our hometown on Thursday night,  he put his suitcase in the garage rather than bringing it in the house.  On Sunday he brought the suitcase in the house and later had our grandson carry it upstairs.  On Sunday night he put our garbage cans at the curb.  Monday morning he was up early and talked to the garbage man.  About an hour after garbage PU he was looking for his dirty clothes that he brought home in a white garbage bag.  Told him he never brought one in and therefore I didn’t include his clothes with the loads I was washing   He said yes he got it out of the trunk before his golf game and set it by his suitcase in the garage.  Well I said I never saw it.  Then he thought about it and said I’ll bet I threw it in the garbage can because you empty the kitchen garbage and use a white bag and put it on the step for me to throw out.  Ok, I’m hearing a blaming situation happening here.  What part of leaving your suitcase and a garbage bag with dirty clothes in the garage for 4 days is my fault.  We empty the kitchen garbage a least once a day.  Susan and Nick came in and out of the garage on Sunday walking passed the bag if it was even there then.

Called the garbage Co.  to no avail.  Listened to you carrying on about all your summer clothes all day Monday but decided to let it go…….. Until you told me you told the dentist and his staff about the incident with my name being taken in vain as the suspect of the folley.

This now becomes open sport for me to repeat in my defense.

PS.  He has already replaced 2 pair of shorts by shopping Macy’s online.

PSS.  More to come if he blames me for the golf ball in the engine when he returns to the dentist for two more fillings tomorrow morning.  Stay tuned.

Is looking for a lost whistle today,  look no farther.  I must have swallowed it as the whistling sound coming from me is very clear with every breathe I take.  Wow that sounds like a country song in the making if I ever heard one.  I’ll need to ask Alexa to find those lryics to make sure I don’t infringe on anyone’s works.  Let’s see, standing on the corner whistling as the cars go by with every breath I take.  Think there’s an infringement in that verse.  Or how about In my lungs next to my heart I carry a whistling high pitched tune for you.  Or maybe This haunting whistle I carry inside is giving me the sleepless blues.  How about this one, Take this whistle from my lungs, my heart is broken from its sound.  Oh, the lyrics are endless and the noise is driving me mad.  Maybe instead of creating music I should go see the Dr. and whistle a little diddy into her Mic (stethoscope ) and find out exactly what my lungs are trying to put to music, because I know I’ve heard this tune before as my inhaler is trying to get it on key.  Great the ringing in my ears is trying to create a duet.

Being able to breathe is a mind altering situation.  All your thoughts are concentrated on getting one little bit of air.  But nothing lets go to permit one little glow of air into your nose or mouth.  How long this situation can last before one passes out was starting to become evident last night.  Choking and vomiting occurred.  Arms began to feel numb and the mind became dizzy.  Searching for the inhaler became a life/death crisis.  Finding one in the purse raised hope until dispensing, there was nothing coming out.  The other inhaler being somewhere upstairs was something the lungs were not allowing one to look for and soon the legs became heavy and felt nailed to the floor.  HUBBY ran and couldn’t locate the other lifesaver.  Shaking the last hope, the empty inhaller,  and putting it to the mouth 2 small sprays sputtered and opened the airways enough the get a small trickle of air and brought a sliver of relief.  Vomiting continued along with some lose of control.  A quick call to Walgreens for another inhaler and 15 mins later life returned to normal.  The situation took a toll, bringing on a throbing headache  and exhaustion.  Everything was throbbing.  Laying in bed with the sleep apnea machine on, with easy breathing returning, the chest and shoulders felt like a car or truck impact could have occurred.

Waking this morning and reliving the episode over in the mind, one realises that God’s given life and breathe can be snuffed out in a moment, if, God’s Will Be Done.  Praise the Lord another morning rose for this one lamb in His flock.

Blame game is a consistant flaw in a person’s personality, disposition and overall dignity.  Finding a reason to blame someone else for your own bad behavior, stupidity, or bad decision is a juvenile action that no one should condone or dismiss.

For help has a certain way of diplomacy in the request.  The tone of voice has alot to do with it.  If it comes in a commanding, guilt laden voice it no longer becomes a request but a demand.  A demand, indicates a right to demand which diminishes the demanded the right to decline.  This musters the feeling that free will is no longer a thing the demanded of possesses.  This causes the demanded to refuse on both constitutional and religious rights of freewill.

While asking for help in a loving, needing way creates a loving response to do whatever one can do to help.  One needs to know the the diplomacy of asking and why one might receive a negative reply.

As one ages the difference becomes very clear and one is enlightened to the ways of requesting and the need for refusing.

In this era is a big money business.  Finding the “right place for mom” is a tedious job of visiting, comparing and becoming educated on services and costs.  All the while  dealing with a parent who is quickly failing both mentally and physically.

Living far away from your aging parent is a real balancing act.  Trying to be in two places at one time is emotional and physically draining on the responsible child and their immediate family, along with the aging parent.  Leaving an elderly, partially helpless mother in the hands of a strangers in an unfamiliar home while you are 500 miles away is gut- wrenching, to say the least.  Bringing her to the area closer to your home also provides problems.  In her home town she’ll find friends and relatives living in the same place, making the transition to an assisted home a little easier.  While bringing her closer to family will isolate her in a sttange place until the family visits.  These decisions are not only hard, they are some of the most difficult, for both parent and child.  But realizing that the parent/child reversal is not being accepted and the elder is losing weight and not thriving as she was for the 1st 4 months of recovery from a bad fall, needs to be reviewed and changed  before the deterioration continues and culminates in sickness or death.  Of course as aging continues everything will need to be reviewed and evaluated again and again.  Both for the elder mother and the aging children who are entering the same stages of decline she has be fighting for a few years with strength and grace.  “A place for mom” is an exercise in love, bewilderment, agony, guilt, hurt, and tragedy for both mother and child as they travel life’s ending road.  Hopefully God’s Grace will shine through enlightening and softening these times of our lives.

 

Tweeting Trump is scaring the living daylights out of me.  What ever is under that wig of yours stop tweeting it.

This transition goes easily for all of us.  None of us are happy with the situation as it sits now.  Just praying God sees fit to make this change be an easy fit for her.

Can two people want the same thing and go about it so differently?  And how can the person they are caring for insight such anguish is beyond me.  This type of action is downright shameful if not sinful.

Are something I find very easy to make.  I don’t need to think about what if?  I don’t make a list of pros and cons!  My decisions rest completely on what is right to do at the moment and the action follows quickly because what is right needs little thought.  If I have to sleep on it or ponder it then the decision is the wrong one and needs to be thrown out.   I don’t need second opinions, I don’t need a consensus of opinions.  I seldom ask for opinions.  If it’s wrong it feels wrong.  I stand my ground on my decisions.  If they aren’t my decisions then I give no input unless asked then I give them the answer of what I would do.  When someone can’t make the decision they shouldn’t have the decision.  I judge many by their decisions and feel they reap what the sow.  I don’t think I’m self righteous I just have a conscience that doesn’t have a devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other.  Most of my upset stomach aches come from not speaking because my opinions aren’t wanted.  Or the decision is not mine to make.  As a bystander I see the problem and how to solve but my hands are tied.  My teeth are a testament to my holding my opinion.  My teeth are worn flat from clenching to keep my opinions inside.  My opinions are mine to keep inside unless it’s my decision to make.

Provides us with a list of chores that will keep us busy from sun up to sun down.  Unending cleaning, polishing washing and fixing is the price of home ownership.  When part of this team is gone the chores seem overwhelming.  Today things are a little on hold as this headache has a hold on me.

Is right around the corner.  When did my world get so small?  Great-grandparents are this age and as I look around I see they are gone. Grandparents are this age and as I look around mine are gone and I have 6 boys that call me grandma.  When did the grandparent line become so short with me at the front.  I don’t remember applying for the role of matriarch of this family but it looks like age is the calling card and required resume.

I remember the feeling at high school graduation as not being a  graduate at all but a ceremony of being kicked out.

Age at certain times is the same thing as an experation date.  Our shelf life is over.

As we’ve known it, is on hold.  Elderly care is upon us and the distance makes the care difficult on both of us.  Since we too are up in age this separation is a bit scarey.

Are something I don’t understand even though I live in the midst of many.   Fear of outside of their world opinions, keep many from living an authentic life,  hiding  behind a false bravado or reserve is the front to hide their true self.

 

I know God is still on His throne and in charge.  I can’t change His will and therefore I only fight sin and occasion of sin and live life according to His path for me.  My life is in His hands and I know I am in Goodhands with Him.  This is my resolve and was instilled in me early in life.  I sin because I am not perfect I am not He.  I seek forgiveness because I sin.  HE is not done with me yet and gives me nothing I can’t handle.  I am clay in His hands and He is smoothing out my rough and callous spots.  I trust that my life is His and He is leading the way that I follow.

I’m sad.  Feeling left behind as he cares for his other love- His mom.  Being without mine for over 45 years, my world revolves around him. When he’s away, the merry-go-round stops .  The horses don’t gallop, the music doesn’t play and the gold ring is beyond my reach.  My Carousel becomes silent and lonely waiting for his voice, his touch, or just the twinkle of his eye to start our lives turning again.  I will dust, oil and repair our Carouseled life until his return and our life lightens my eyes, heart and love again.

His voice still, stills my heart.

Began to ache as the garage door lowered and his car descended our driveway.  Before he slid into his seat behind the wood accented steering wheel we kissed and hugged like we were in college leaving each other after a wonderful weekend together. But we aren’t young anymore, although our love affair has never changed its tingly and heart throbbing feel even after its beginning over 55 year ago.  Each kiss, each hug, each loving event can be named and dated with details of the weather, the place and the clothes we wore.  Our love affair is not only remembered but is constantly reminisced and devoured as though it is a living and breathing thing of which is in both of our hearts and minds and continues with each breath we take.

Echoes through the house when he’s home.  This morning it’s the Little River Band.  He’s getting ready to make his favorite eggplant dish.  Will make myself scares as the mess is overwhelming but he gets it cleaned up eventually.  Good time for me to start my new book. He’ll be in the kitchen at least 3 hours.  His cooking and his music makes him happy.  And I’m always happy when he’s happy.  Days of bliss with my retired groom.

Scares me to death.  Can’t imagine a storm that is as wide as the state of Florida and winds that will do so much damage.  Prayers that all in its path will be protected.

Voice, still, stills my heart.

Plays crazy with your mind.  If this is life I don’t think it’s a viable living. Was too busy and active to slow to this.   Are dreams over?  Am I being swallowed in sadness?  Have I missed the exit?  Is this not my road anymore?