Is hard to bring to light when you’re alone.  Seeing no end to this situation is a little worrisome.  Need to up my game and get motivated when he’s gone.  It’s hard for him too, putting everything on hold to take care of his mom.  So proud of him and his brother.

I wonder if this is climate change or just God’s design. After the hatefulness that occurred in North Carolina a couple weeks ago a natural disaster occurs and pulls the people of our great country together.

Auras are happening so consistently. Soon after headache above the eye begins. The doctor said there’s nothing to worry about but they sure do you bug me.

My clocks they all chime at slightly different times because l love their voices.  It brings back a memory of a movie I saw long ago with my mother about a town cryer who would announce the time on the hour.  Two o’clock and all is well he would cry out every hour on the hour and possibly the half hour.  Growing up mother had a grandmother’s clock sitting in the hall against my bedroom wall.  It was a smaller version of a grandfather clock thus the name grandmother.  It stood in the hall keeping time and keeping all of us on schedule.  But at night it would rock me quietly to sleep with the the tick tock of its voice and telling me all is well on the hour.  The clock was my grandmother’s and sat in my home long before I came into it.  Today it is silent as it sits in my sister’s home. It sits on display and is always visible although it no longer provides it soothing sounds.  In my home my clocks sit in most every room.  Some chime some just keep time.  Last week my husband noticed our grandfather clock was no longer keeping good time and suggested I get it fixed.  Today may be just the day to turn my quiet grandpa into another chimmer giving it a voice.  I sure hope it can be done. Will update this operation soon.

the aging process on my face would follow that of my feet.  My feet and toes have not changed in size since Jr. High school.  As I veiw them crossed on the coffee table sporting my favorite toe wrapped sandals they really don’t look their age.  The arch is still high, the ankles haven’t grown to cankals and the toenails still sparkle after a pedicure.  My face on the other hand appears to have carried not only this bodies weight but the weight and problems of the world.  The skin on my face, unlike the skin on my feet, appears to have been dragged along the concrete pavment without the protection of shoes.  And I find that ULTRA doesn’t sell the kind of spackle that could renew the surface.

And today is one of those days, I just feel like doing nothing.  I’m up, yet that is as far as this day has proceeded.  My mind is working overtime on all the things I need to accomplish or could accomplish but today just isn’t a “I got to do that” kind of day.

I envy those that have their to do lists and yet as soon as they “Do” they find more to do.  I’m beginning to think that CNN is affecting our way of life by always having breaking news, our way to compete is to have an unending – to do list.  This is and never has been my forte.  A to do list to me is a dictation of pen and pencil directing me to do things in a logical order that my right brain does not wish to follow or give independence to.  At the end of the day the to do list sits, nothing crossed off and leaving a feeling of failure which in no way stimulates one to continue. The list in my mind, which continuously changes by the minute creates a series of doings that pleases me and forms my day of productivity. To each his own way of accomplishments.  My drummer not only beats a different cadence but does more of a shag rather than a march though each day traveling to the end of my 24 hours of daily living.  Left behind will be a wavy path with unfinished tasks as seen through the eyes of others but to those that know and love me the path will create a void that only they will feel and miss.

Do aches and pains become highly annoying once you go to bed?  Is it because you are no longer distracted by the sights and sounds of the daylight hours?  Is it that you become more intuned to your body once the light fades and the deafening noises calm to where you are aware of your heart beat and the sounds of your internal plumbing?  The minute the outside noises calm the tintinittus in my ears and head begin to react to a fever pitch as though on cue it wants its audience of one’s complete attention.  For the passed 8 years I feel or rather hear a sound that makes me think I have become the single incubator for the locus population of the earth.  In my head I wonder especially at night if this is a plight given to me as some type of joke to drive me insane.  But then, as if an orchestra leader is tapping his stick to drop the musicians sound to a barely auditable pitch, daylight breaks. The sound is still there but it has moved to the back of the room or my head as if each musician is taking turns inhaling off the same smoke during a synchronized musical break.  Thus enabling me to proceed through the day to the lower pitch sound in my head until the setting suns unleashes the deafening sound yet again into every cavity of my skull.

Walking into the ultra sound room I could see the image of my breasts on the screen.  There on the right breast was a white spot circled in red.  This is what we are going to look at today.  My eyes were glued to the image.  The inside looks nothing like the outside. How did this spot get there. It looks like a white spot that you would get on your fingernail only bigger. I can’t see anything attached to this white spot on the screen that seem like nothing to me.  But that spot has been causing me 24 hours of extreme fear.  Now I’m facing my fear and having this machine and technician take a closer look.  Of course I got there shortly after their call and was almost an hour early. They took me right in.  The tech went over the spot many times and continued into my arm and underarm. After a half hour she said wait here the Dr. will look and come in and talk to you.  For 10 minutes I sat looking at the screen showing the image and the spot circled in red.  My mind couldn’t think that this could be anything that could devastate my future although my stomach began to gurgle and ache. They walked back in and said.  It’s benign, you can get dressed and come back next year for the same test.  Okay. As I got dressed I think I was in a daze and gave a little sigh and prayer of thanks.  How many women have done this same routine and got a different story that would reshape their life and breasts.  Relief and prayers of thanks is all that is in my mind.  Will be happy to get the next colonoscopy done in October with the same result is my new prayer.

Brought on by the message left on the voicemail today giving me 24 hours to worry about the future here and alone.

Call me at my office when you get this message.  Wish you could have eased my mind if the exrays were unclear instead of leaving me wonder what you might have found.  Since the adenomous cells were growing elsewhere can they be here too.  Is this what’s causing the neck and shoulder aches that’s been bugging me for a month.

Sleeping on this fear will give me little shut eye tonight especially without you here.  I hope I have the right to say a prayer of thankfulness for all these years of good health and a hope to offer this fear up for my children so their health continues as good as mine until the information given tomorrow when I return Kelly’s call.

I’m feeling so worried and fearful. Have always faced the future with no expectations but knowing the future has a finite limit, shorter then ever before, is causing thoughts of what ifs.

I can’t get you out of my thoughts. Every thing I see or feel give me glimpses or breezes of you against my skin.  My dreams are dancing with you, walking with you and holding your hand.  These moments scare me as you are only gone for a few days and yet it feels like a lifetime.  Counting the days until your home and we’re dancing in each others arms to our favorite tunes.

Even though I know where he is and why, I still wonder every minute how his day is going.  Our lives and moments are so intertwined that when we’re apart my mind can think without him zapping into my momentary thoughts.  Love him.

Today – was a life changing decision. Didn’t know what the future held but knew it was right.  Commitment and love is what makes the world go round and he still spins my world and keeps us grounded.

How we see things so differently? When plans are made its rude to back out because something you’d enjoy more comes up.  After being gone for 10 days, a night out to dinner or a trip to the movies might be in order for a couple.  Not understanding how one doesn’t understand.

Seem to be appearing more often the older I get.  I don’t feel I’m better than anyone else but I fail to see the need to look up to very many leaders or men of the cloth.  Respect and extreme faith were instilled in many as a child and many children where hurt and damaged by these runaway demigogary and faith in meer men. Disciples were instucted by Jesus to be fishers of men.  To spread the good news of the bible.  But through politics, like other forms of government, faith and religion became a means to an end. These are just my thoughts but men of the cloth are to be leaders and motivators to Christianity not judge, jury and prosecutor.  I prefer the quiet church where I feel connection with my Lord.  The ten commandments are my law and lifeline.  The  church laws have amended and twisted Gods law.  I do feel my 8 years of Catholic education was more of indoctrination rather than a well rounded education.  Everyday I came home with more fear and more things to fight against.  Children need the religious belief of God but God in faith with life beyond the here and now.  The 7 sacraments were given by God to help us live in Grace not fear. Where did making your Easter duty or not being able to have a Christian BURIAL come from?  Church law or Gods law?  Seems to me that like all political organizations basic laws are expanded to make human intervention by those incharge more relavant.

Jesus welcomes all who believe in the Father.  Who decided that only certain people are welcomed.  It should welcome all sinners as Saint exists only in the afterlife of heaven.  Good men exists but power corrupts unless love and justice exists in each heart.  God Bless the World.

Gallbladder removal is an operation that is done very differently than in 1966.  Since I was in finals, my first year in college, my parents didn’t inform me of mom’s operation until I came home for Christmas and she was still in the hospital.  Her recovery kept her in the hospital over the holiday and left me in charge of my little sister. Dad did the shopping for Christmas and I took my sis to get her haircut.  At our visit to see mom she was upset with the haircut but seeing her in an oxygen tent was much more upsetting to my 6 year old sister and myself. Today one of the first things they do is put the oxygen tubes in your nose and the method of keeping a patient oxygenated is not so dramatic or scarey.  Also the hospital and recovery time is much less.  In fact the the surgery itself is done as an out-patient procedure.  My prayer is for a happy, easy and blessed procedure for my oldest daughter.  Wonder how many gallstones.  My mother had 32 and my sister took them in a jar for show and tell to her classroom after the Holiday vacation.  I’m sure my daughter’s youngest will want to do the same.

Visiting with my little sister one on one.  Forgot how much we really are alike.  She is just sweeter.

By someone you are acquainted with is exciting and at the same time a little sad as you realize you are getting a glimpse into their life.  Enjoyed the book overall.

 

Great for lunch today, national hot dog day.  News said dogs for a dollar.  Small catch, buy a sandwich at regular price then order a dog for a dollar.  Great sales pitch.  Our drive thru was loaded with hot dog lovers.  They are making a killing on National Hot Dog Day.  I have to say.  I got two.  One at $2.99 and the 2nd for the dollar.  And they were great.  This retired couple knows a good deal when they see it.

He asked as he continued to worry about the injury to his thumb.  The car we were following stopped. The driver got out  and came back to our car.  He asked my husband if he wanted them to take me in their car as they could hear my continuous laughing all the way in their car as we were following them to the hospital.  No she’s just enjoying my pain he said.  I started laughing again and repeated his fear that they might be going to put him to sleep over this injury that he thinks is life threating.  I was just reassuring him that you weren’t taking him to the Vet.  And my . hysteria began again as the man smiled and said we would be there in about 20 more minutes. Did he think he could make it.  Yes I smearked.  He can drive with the other hand, as the blood seems to have disappeared from the deadly injury, chuckling and he began to moan.  Ok he said and got back in his car and we followed.  The road was curvy and hilly as we drove back narrow paths in the Smokey Mountains.  Moaning and muttering fears of wrecking the car on these treacherous roads with this painful injury.  My laughing increased in volume with each bump and moan along the drive.  I teased that our vacation was probably over and he would have to fly home to recooperate from this massive infliction.  Funny he said.  Have your fun.  Laugh.  You wouldn’t think it so funny if it were you.  No, this wouldn’t happen to me I know how to handle these things. As we pulled into the parking lot of the Medical Center he got out of the car holding his arm like it had been severed.  We thanked the couple for bringing us here as we would have gotten lost.  He said he was sure all would be well and said he was glad the injury wasn’t worse. Your husband doesn’t handel pain well.  I think it’s fear of how they are going to get the hook out of his thumb.

Something we love to watch together.  Can’t wait till it arrives and you are here to watch it with me.  Amazon says delivery is Monday.  I will wait for you before I play it.

Supernatural with Santana and all his musical guests was absolutely unbelievable. Maybe I will watch this one again tonight.  I remember our oldest grandson seeing it for the first time.  It produced a dance routine that he developed on the spot throughout the length of the DVD at the age of 3.  Wish we had a video of that evening.

 

Getting out of the car, blood on the driveway caught his eye.  As he looked up and down the blacktop there was blood all over, a big pool on the street with large drops leading up the driveway to the garage and continued into the house.  Seeing a bloody fingerprint on the door his heart started beating out of rhythm and he feared what was behind the door in the house.  He’d been gone only a couple hours and everyone was supposed to be on the other side of town at their daughter’s house where he was planning  on going after he’d dropped off some groceries picked up after hitting a bucket of golf balls at the course. What was going on?  Without another thought he opened the door and called out, Janie?  No answer so he yelled out her name again, JANIE?  He heard her name as he screamed, it hit his ears as he saw more blood on the floor leading to the kitchen sink and more blood in the sink on the cupboards, and a knife sitting in a pool of blood on the granite counter.  What has happened? Where is Jane? And what is all this blood?  Setting down his grocery bags he followed the trail of blood leading to the dark and empty family room.  The drapes were pulled closed and the TV was off.  He reached for the fireplace light and then he saw her.  Covered in blood with a dishtowel drenched in blood over her face.  The fear caught in his throat as he approached the recliner that she was laying in and shook her arm. She moaned.  So he shook her again. Trying to sit up and dropping the blood soaked towel he saw the gash in her head above her eye and with her movement blood started spurting again.  She opened her eyes but still looked asleep.  She was dazed. Honey he said, what happened?  She didn’t answer right a way so he nudged her again.

She said she fell.  Then she gave more detail still in a dazed haze.  She said she went out to get the mail at about 2 pm and her foot slipped on something and she stumbled into the street.  Feeling the blacktop scrape onto her forehead and her glasses break and the next thing she remembers was hearing and seeing tires rolling down the street.  She wasn’t understanding what was happening at the time but said she thought she should roll away from the noise of the car.  As she rolled she became aware of the curb and the mailbox.  She got up and reached in the box for the mail. At the same time blood started pouring all over the mail and she realized she must be hurt. Holding her head the blood started to gush, running down her arm onto her clothes even covering her shoe.  She knew she needed to get into the house and call someone before she passed out.  She closed the garage door and ran to the kitchen sink, grabbed a dishtowel and put pressure on the gash that was bleeding.  She picked a knife out of the sink, put there after she cut up a banana for a snack earlier and layed it on the counter.  She started running cold water to clean up her face and put cold pressure on the opening in her head.  She called our daughter and said she couldn’t go over there because she fell and was a little dizzy and afraid to drive.  Our daughter wanted to come over but she said she was fine and that dad went to the store and would be right back.  Not expecting her to be home he went to the golf course along with the store and didn’t return til 5 pm.  She said she was so dizzy she decided to lay down on the recliner and wait for him to return.  She fell asleep for 3 hours and this was the situation that he walked into.

The gash needed stitched from his view plus he was worried she might have a concussion because of her wobbly movements and hazy attitude.  She said no to the emergency room but okayed med-first.  He bundled her up and got her in the car and headed over to River Rd. and the medical clinic.

As they entered the clinic a nurse came over to her and asked him to fill out a report.  She took her back into an examination room and question her.  He first question of course is always, are you afraid at home.  After hearing about this accident they called her husband back.  They weren’t sure about a concussion yet and cleaned out the cut.  The Dr. came in and examined the gash and tried to determine if she had a concussion. Feeling there was no concussion he instructed the nurse to prepare the other room so he could close the gash with a minimum of 10 stitches he estimated.  She was put on a movable cart and the gash was again irrigated and cleaned. Her husband was now very concerned about scaring.  The Dr. assured him that there would be little to none when he was through and it healed.  He then showed the Dr. the scares from the surgery he had from wart removal as a child and the very noticible scars.  He assured him again that needles, stitches and Dr. methods had come along way in 50 years.

After numbing the area around the gash the nurse escorted him out to where he would be more comfortable and not critically watching every stich the Dr. inserted through his wife’s forehead and eyebrow. The Dr. assured her there eould be no pain but probably pressure as he was inserting the needle.  Yes he said 10 stitches.  2 inside and 8 outside closed everything.  He finished and walked over and washed his hands.  The nurse informed her that this might be a little longer as the Dr. was a perfectionist.  He put on another set of gloves and cleaned the area and examined the area again.  He then informed her he was taking out the stitches and starting over again.  He said he had a bit of OCD and felt he could make the stiches a bit smaller and straighter.  Great she thought.  A Dr. with OCD.  Or did her husband worry him about scaring and wanting a plastic sugeon.  Next time she would make him stay in the waiting room and not talk to any Dr. working on her.  So here goes. 10 stitches out and more slowly 10 stiches begin again.  He instucted no water on the area until stiches are removed. Only neosporan and after stitches Vit. E twice a day on tje area.  He said to just buy cheap Vitamins.  Break them open and use.  They left and follow his direction.  Upon returning home the house looked like a scene on Criminal Minds.  All ended well and there is no scar and eybrows grew back in. Just a funny story that happen in this retired couple life.

 

 

 

Do you constantly loose your wallet.  Checked all charges no action.  Your back went out again.

Knowing all this and you the wallet is somewhere unusual.

When did you use it last?  Last charge was Monday.  So you used money between Monday and today.  You got Tacos last night and said they weren’t very good how did you pay? I find backtracking is the best way to find things.  No you said last night you got a piece of pizza at Tic Toc.  Go back and ask if they found it.  Thank goodness the man looked at the video and said you paid with cash that you got from your wallet and put back in you back right pocket. Ok, you had it last night.  Went back home so the wallet is in the car or in the house.  Your mom had you take tee shirts back to the house.  Did you hang them up?

Walk into the house and just peruse the room.  It’s somewhere that you wouldn’t normally set it. Like the back of the couch if you were laying on it last night and it was bothering your back.  So just peruse each room.

Ok you found it.  WHERE?  Sitting on the Hoover sweeper on the garage.  Told you.  Somewhere you would never look.  Peruse is the word.  Not hysterical searching. Glad to know that even 400 miles away I’m still your beacon of normal.

 

Big and empty without you. Worrying about how long this is going to go on.  2 months now half of the summer.  Although you have the time it takes the ticks out of our clock.  Hoping you are taking care of yourself.  Will make our  Dr. Appointment for our annual ck-ups at the same time.

Entered the garage under your mothers car on your watch. Remember your mouse diet.  Now you’re chasing a mouse.  Better get a trap before it gets in the house.

This has to be the 3rd time I’ve seen this movie.  Make up looks so gorgeous in black and white. Not over done but just marking distinctions of eyes and lips.  Lee Remick was beautiful.  So many wishful thoughts that people can think of and become frustrated when thoughts don’t become reality.   Watching people drown themselves in sorrows with drinking is sad.  The toast of together in heaven is a grand toast of a loving couple.  They are not long, the days of Wine and Roses. Nor is love and lovers as reality and responsibilities glare in the morning light.  Moonlight shadows life, truth and paths of the soul and brain and follows the roads of the heart that will soon be blistered when the light of morning streaks in.  So are these Days of Wine and Roses.

 

Is an easy way to get my thoughts out of my way.  My way forward through the day and the day to day musings that constantly rumble through my head.  Like why some days my knee hurts so bad I don’t want to move or especially move it.  Other days there is little pain and then today it’s touch and go. Turn slightly one way and I’m on the floor looking for something to help me up.  I’m sure one of these days getting up will be out of the question.  Need to pick up new cholestoral meds and other drug store finds.  Better get a new knee brace and hope you will be able to be home long enough so I can get this problem fixed.  So hanging on for this trip.

What today holds?  Up at 8 am with nothing special planned. Looking for my fitbit chargers but to no avail.  Stormy day today so not venturing far.  Hoping to find a new couch and chair but not sure what I want yet.  Would like my floors to shine but the effort to do it is far from my will and want to do today.  Many things on my imagined to do list so I could do or I might do , we will see how the day unfolds.

Tonight, food trumps my call.   Got the info you wanted so I called back.  It was quick conversation you must have been starving.  I’m dead tired so off to bed.  70 is right around the corner and the clock is ticking.  Another class mate gone and I’m wondering what number will come up at the next roll of the dice.  If it’s me we’ve wasted a lot of time apart.

I like to be alone.  No one makes demands on me.  I don’t give my opinions so no one judges what I think.  I don’t get in trouble with words.  I can binge watch TV or read unending.  Go to bed or get up when I want and not hear anyone else’s opnions.  Does this make me a loner or a hermit?  Not a good way to be when married. But he likes CNN, golfing and cooking foods I dont eat.  He likes calling congressmen, talking to his brother, washing his car, trading stocks and talking about anything EKU.  These things keep him busy but my unending reading and writing drives him crazy.

Love Madonnas take on marriage. She said a husband stifles her creativity.  But then I think her creativity could use some stifling. I love being with my hubby especially when we can find an activity that we both enjoy.

Because I wonder why kids and people today do the things they do.

Examples:

Tattoos,  harming your skin, not knowing if this could cause skin cancer.  Putting ink under you skin.  Why?

Big Butts:

Why would anyone exercise to get a bigger butt.  This Kardashian fad is going to pass then you’ll be stuck in a timewarp with a oversized back end.

Piercings:

Especially the ones that affect your speech.

 

 

You hear.  Hubby just called to tell me that Victoria is Charlie’s ex-wife.  We are talking about the Y&R soap opera.  Hubby’s mother told him this tidbit and I told him to google it.  No that is not the Richard girl even though mom thinks she’s right.  Thank goodness for google after all these years of mother-in-lawness.  Or is it Mother-in-lawlessness?  Maybe not a word in the dictionary but it is in my life.

Maybe a new color too.  As I look at the pictures taken over the 4th with my family I’m not liking my haircut or the color.  Maybe it’s the makeup that I didn’t put on since I was on vacation.  But I feel I am really starting to look old.  Not into the Joan River stretch your face look but would like to sparkle a little.  Need to see if Sarah is still working at my old salon.

Today is soap opera catch up day. Since 4th of July my routines have been on hold, now, I’m getting back to normal.  Soaps, laundry, oil change, cleaning out closets and whatever else might come up. Retired groom is back taking care of his family responsibilities – mom.  Can’t imagine his thoughts since my parents have neen gone for over 40 years.  Lost them in their prime when they were still my rock.  His mom is losing her stamina and now he has to be her rock.

There it is, the weathered and small tombstone sitting in the back of the cemetery.  Or was it the front of the graveyard in 1899 when he was murdered.

The day was warm and sunny as the fateful weekend in a small town in Western Pennsylvania sitting on the Ohio border began. Breakfast was sizzling on the stove and 3 sleeping kids were beginning to awaken as coffee and bacon aromas were tickling  their noses.  Little did the 11 year old boy know this day would be the end of his youth and his formal education.

The day must have been a weekend, holiday or a Tuesday when the Steelmill would close to re-tool.  At age 29 life was good with a beautiful English/Irish wife, living on Russell Street, working a steady job at Sharon Steel and fathering a son and 2 daughters.  This irishman’s accomplishments were pretty significant by the end of the 1800s on the brink of a new century.

Russell street was a hill road in town that started at Stateline road and traveled downhill to the river. The street housed many Irish families that were immigrants who followed each other across the ocean from the Emerald Isle.   Being Irish/Catholic, children were abundant in the small wooden houses.  Each small plot of land that lined the street held the house, an outhouse, a well with pump, a garden, chickens, goats and cows here and there shared by all for milk, traded by the wives for other necessities that each provided.  Whether these were shanty towns of Irish or the more affluent lace curtain Irish,  they lived here together trying to make a life in this new country they now called home.

This day there was a summer carnival a few miles up the river road East of the city in the farmland that was more often referred to as the sticks.  Later in the day after all chores were done the horse and buggy would be hitched and readied with a picnic lunch,  carrying the family out to the carnival for a day of fun and games with family and friends. But the morning was for the men. Racing horses and betting was the big deal today. How many horses and how much money transferred hands no one knows but it must have been a sum large enough to make many a man dream of changing their lot in life.  For some reason my great-grandfather was selected to collect and hold the purse for the big race.  As to whether all the betters and racers knew each other is only a guess. The men were from farms and small towns surrounding the open fields.  Steelmill workers, farmers, constables and shopkeepers came from far and wide.  Some with money to bet, some with family money and still others using rent and food money that might leave their families homeless and hungry for the month.  Others came with no money in their pockets.  Someone snuck up behind James as everyone was watching the horses line up.  The man with a gun in hand demanded that James hand over the purse.  James refused. Bang. The purse stolen and my great-grandfather laid on the ground, dead.  Many heard the shot. Many saw the man running away after the purse holder fell. Everyone that saw, knew the man running away but didn’t actually see the altercation or the actual murder but knew who did it.  As the day went on and men gave eye witness reports of the shooting and theft, no one saw the gun, or actually saw the man shoot my great-grandfather.

Family members carried the dead man home and the carnival went on for the rest of the community. My great-grandfather was carried home and layed on the couch in the front room.  The parrish priest was called and last rights given. After the shock and tears subsided the women gathered to prepare the body for burial.  The funeral procession took the same road back to the farmland that he took the fateful day, that the end came for one and adulthood came to his son.  He was buried at St. Mary’s Cemetery at the edge of the grave yard that all of his family would reside in over the next two centuries. His cemetary marker sits in the center of modern tombstones that mark a time, a place and an age.

Today I wonder where the man is buried who held the gun that shaped my future.  He lived in my town and everyone knew his name but because no one witnessed the shooting, when he was brought to trial the judge told him to leave town and never return or he would be jailed on sight.  Since I was older when my mother told me this story I didn’t realize I probably attended school with this man’s decendants.  Was justice ever done here? No!

On the day  after the shooting and burial, a young 11 year old boy became the head of his family. School was a thing of tbe past as was baseball and tossing pennies. At 4 am with lunch in hand my grandfather ran about 3 or 4 miles to Sharon Steel Company on the Ohio border and picked up his father’s job that he was no longer here to do.  This young boy picked up his family yoke  and worked at Sharon Steel until the age of 67. During those 56 years he married, raised 2 children had 10 grandchilren and was the most wonderful man and grandfather to those of us who knew and lived with him.  He too is buried in St. Mary’s along with my grandmother,  my other grandparents,  parents, twin sisters and many family and friends.  It’s almost like the streets of town are all here in rows.  St. Mary’s has become home and at some time in the future I too will come home, not far from my great-grandfather who has been holding our place since 1899.

What I find so ironic is that the Irish came to the USA to escape the burtality and genocide of the Potato Famine by the English.  But on that fateful day in 1899 my Irish great-grandfather was shot by an English, in this new homeland.

Tonight I know you were thinking out loud but the thought you were verbalizing shakes me to my core. I wish I could imagine something like this taking place but my home is my refuge, my place of safety and the thought of changing that at my age I am afraid might be devistating not only to my being but also to my health and my soul.

Was the place of interest that we went to today.  The grandsons had never seen a Buffalo and since there is a herd at Fermi,  off we went.

Papa on the golf course.  Good thing his retired bride has sights to see.  My retired groom is not a good grandson cruise director.

Wonder Woman was an overall great movie.  Took 4 grandsons to the movies today during the 91 degree heat of the noon day sun. Unlimited popcorn and icees were their movie fare and all boys agreed that it was a great movie. Was a little worried that there might be an education on how Superboy came into being but the love seen was very well edited for a youngish audience. Would give this movie a two thumbs up.

Every morning to the news that includes such a true worldly but not Godly man stirs the deepest fear in my soul for the future of our country.  Very upsetting that he would stop a wonderful man and past president from receiving a global award is just one example of his ungodlyness.  Pres. CARTER has already gained his wings in my opinion while Trump is just growing a tail and horns.

Not exactly knowing why but feel like there is nowhere to be or go. He has so many other activities and friends that I’m not part of any more.  We travel on different levels and he always wants to be somewhere other than where I’m happy.  Even when we’re enclosed the escape is there. The phone, the radio, road rage, thoughts I can’t keep up with.  I’m becoming afraid as my mind and body isn’t keeping up and my will to, is fading.  I need to get to the Dr.  and find out why this lack of and aversion to caring, is occurring.  Sadness seems to be overpowering me and tears are always behind every blink of my eye.  As I write this I’m a blink away from crying out help me, someone help me.  But help me do what is another question.  I don’t think my reason for being is over, yet there is no fire in my soul to look for tomorrow.  I guess this is the time to tie the knot and hang on.  Hanging on for God to show me the light, the way, or the end.

 

Lakehouse and fireworks. Everyone is heading this way and then on to the lake, the lakehouse and family.  Only 2 will miss it this 4th of July.  Getting 20 together under one roof is a daunting fete but my sister and her hubby have it down to a science.  We are all so thankful for their hard work, love and tons of preparation to keep this family close together if only one long weekend a year.  One grandson and his father are on a boy scout hike a once in a lifetime adventure.  We will miss them so much. I think all are realizing how important this reunion as such has become.  We all go about living our lives without the day to day interplay of our childhoods and creating the closeness that will pull cousins together once their elders are gone.  It’s these times that will be remembered most by newest members when it comes time to say farewell until we meet up again.  Thank you all for coming.  Thank you Sean and Lynne for your dedication to family.

You seem to be helping my back. 10 minutes here and there. Let’s see how it is after a week of this. Maybe a little weight loss on the side. Here’s to hoping.

You are allowed some pleasure on this trip of responsibilities.  So grab a slice of Tip Top and hit a bucket of balls.  Then back for more control.  You’re a good son.

 

I don’t know.  A phone call is a phone call.  I guess the 1st is the most important.

Night without you.  I hope she appreciates the time you give her. I’m a much better person seeing your love knowing I have it too.

Is one of those days that I can’t think of anything to write about other than I miss you.

Is something we love.  Over the years, with my retired groom sleeping in so many 5 star hotels I wanted to make sure our bed was the one that he is most comfortable in. After spending 3 days for a wedding conference at the Broadmoor in Colorado and visiting their bed store I decided to outfit our bed like the one I slept in for 3 wonderful nights.   The purchase of the king bed was the first step and then a down feather bed to put on top of the plush mattress  topped with jersey sheets, a down comforter  a quilt and 6 pillows in various densities. Then to complete the luxe comfort I purchased 24 hotel pillow cases so I can change them twice a week. Above the bed hangs a powerful Hunter fan the spins all year to either circulate the air or provide us with a cooling breeze.  Even after spending a few days on vacation at Hilton’s and Marriott resorts, crawling back into our bed is the best.  Making the bed every morning is quite a fete as we age. There are 13 pillows styling the decor of our bedroom which my RG counts everytime we get ready for bed.  But no matter how comfy the bed when you are away nothing makes the bed as wonderful as when you are here.

Is a very guilty pleasure I partake in while you’re gone.  When your here my ice cream craving is something you always try to talk me out of because I know you worry about my eating habits.  You try to talk me out of all my junk food habits but for some reason ice cream is something that is more of a once in awhile craving.  But today I’m loving my Tin Roof Sundae and will probably leave no evidence of my binging for you to discover.

With Sally Fields, looks like a great movie to spend the rest of my Sunday evening watching.  Was thinking of French Silk Pie but as I was emptying the dishwasher I hit the top of my head on an open cupboard door and blood started gushing.  So now I think driving might not be a good idea until the bit of dizzyness passes.  So the French Silk is out of the question. Will settle for something from the Dairy Queen a little later.  Being without you will have to make me more careful.

And here I am with James Bond. He is good on the eyes but just filling my time while you’re away. Halle Berry is in this one and I love the farfetched idea of the theme. An ice compound, lasers, Bond’s invisible car and of course melting ice and recue of the beautiful girl, sex and romance.  What a way to spend a Sunday afternoon.   Of course now the male appeal.  Two women fighing in sports bras til one is killed.  Bond is now in dier straights but wait James gets an adrenaline surge to save the day. He finds a helicopter in the belly of the plane that is in flames.  Yep helicopter flies them to safety and Money Penny comes in for a kiss and …..oh only a Money Penny dream.  James and Halle in a shack on a island with diamonds on her belly and James counting them.  The End

 

Just aging.  While we are aging the wrinkles tend to appear in more than just our skin.   This is to be the slowing down and enjoyment stage, earned through hard and demanding working years, but an aging parent seems to be in control of this time by manipulative demands on one of this pair. Sadness is my feeling as the presure increases by guilt and time.  Since this affects four, it need to be an open communication amongst all of us as to the best way to proceed. Without joint acceptence in this process our lives will be impacted in ways that will benefit no one, least of all the one at the center of this wrinkle.  Wrinkles need to be softened and respected so as not to irritate, but the right therapy and cream needs to be agreed upon to produced the best results.

Again our relationship continues by phone.  Family obligations separate us.  I call to see where you are on your journey and then you call to let me know your closer to your destination.  You say we need to make more memories and just jump in the car and go away.   You always feel this way when you leave me and we will be all together for the 4th.  Can’t wait. Hope nothing can interupp our family weekend.

Always catch up on all the movies I would have loved to see on the big screen with you.  But you’re not the movie buff that I am and I’m not the sports fan that you are.  I picture us curled up on a dark quiet night watching the movies, I love.  You do try to watch but usually fall sound asleep and I do the same watching the games you love.  Magnets…opposites attract…That’s us and the attraction gets stronger daily and that which is opposite keeps us our self and not changing into someone we didn’t fall in love with but staying the same starstruck couple we’ve always been since our eyes met. Loved you then, now and always.  Nothing on the outside has ever affected that. You’ll have to watch the Lakehouse someday and you’ll understand my melancholy.  Also the book Persuasion by Jane Austin.

Because my neck is killing me.  I know last night I was getting worked up because you were leaving for another week but the only thing you were fixated on were the teeth.  Looking, looking, that seems to be all you do. Looking for something always. This morning it was your wallet.

Oh yes you did ask to come to McD’s with me…. I was excited….to stop by the carwash to see if your teeth were there.  Thought to be with me.  For someone who goes months without wearing those teeth (remember your class reunion?)  Remembered your shades but not your teeth.  No teeth at your check up, no teeth in Mrytle Beach because Dononan said that’s how he knew we would be back because papa left his teeth…  Ring, ring, hello, no teeth at carwash, keep looking while I’m gone.  Right just what I’m going to do.  I’m trying to forget those teeth and let my BP drop and get my house back in order after your scavenger hunt for everything you can’t put back where it belongs.  So Today,  I’m going to get my toes done.  Your teeth will have to wait til you get home.  I understand you want something you can’t get your hands on but I’m not it.  I’m yours and am here NOW! Hope this isn’t a lesson for later.  If you’re reading this it might be and hope my time hasn’t come. Ouch, just ran to the bathroom and rammed my toe into your computer that you left on the floor.  I’m not sure why I feel I’m writing this for a later date.  Frightening

You had both sets on Fathers day. Yesterday it was your guns.  Is it the age or are you just not thinking.  I feel like my life has become a continual game of hide and seek. Hide and seek.  Teeth, shoes, golf club cover, gun, and keys and that’s only this week. When can I quit playing this game?

 

Standing over the Cherry Pie you baked and taking sliver after sliver not seeing the calories in those slivers.  Lucky for me I don’t care for Cherry Pie or I would be packing in the calories too.  But this pie is all yours.

Is she kidding?  I have been suffering from awful pains in my legs day and night for almost 3 months.  Did the necessary blood tests and they say my cholestoral has gone up and my good went down.  So now the Dr. wants to double up.  I just can’t do it.  The leg pains are telling me that the meds and my body are not coexisting well, and probably doing damage to my muscles.  I’ve been doing research and have found that every cell and system in our bodies need cholesterol and as we age like everything else our systems and cells aren’t operating at top levels anymore.  PD is prevalent at this age and the brain needs the cholestoral more than ever. Statins are not good for PD patients, they have lost dopamine and the loss of Cholestoral in the brain could be another strike in this situation. Some research says an elevated level is needed in aging.  I’m not ready to get on this statin phamecutical gravy train ride until more research on the aging  brain and cholestoral’s part in protecting it, is more clearly known.  So for now a substitute needs to be prescribed for this aging brained lady with known SVD or White Matter Disease.  https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2014/02/140224204806.htm

 

Is not a fun way to live at this age. Making mountains out of molehills is a ridiculous method of solving these problems.  Who’s right and who’s wrong is not a method of solving situations.  Spending time with someone when she has more attention then she has ever had compared to leaving her alone days on end waiting for something to happen is an unacceptable method of solving a solvable problem.  As long as two can’t see the answer, the problem will continue to affect us all.  Leaving control to one who doesn’t realize the discontent, bewilderment and angst caused is a futile waste of time and life for all involved.  Time is precious and dragging ones feet is just delaying the inevitable.  As an outsider which has always been my place, my opinion is neither wanted or required even though it affects me in every way.  I wait with no say until something is said that seems to make me the evil person.  Age has made me realize to stay away from, and not care about that which I have never been a welcomed part of.

Being in a nursing home recooperating from a bad fall is so much better than being at home alone.  She’s gain weight since the food is so good and prepared for her.  Since she is unable to put weight on her leg she is confined to the bed or a wheel chair. Another benefit of this stay is she has a roommate therefore not alone all day like she is at home. Being home alone should be the time for worry.  Falls have been the big problem along with trips to the Dr., haircut, grocery etc.  At the nursing home all these things can be taken care of without putting her in jeopardy.  Hopefully by the end of summer this whole situation will be resolved.  There are more people up here with us and no one back home with her. Things need to be resolved in a more logical way but is hard to do when logic isn’t the basis for decisions.

 

My retired groom suggested we go for a ride somewhere.  Ok I was up for that.  How about to A&W for a root beer float?  I searched online for the closest one and it was 21 miles due West of us.  Oh he said let’s just go to McD’s for an ice cream cone.  Really? You consider that a ride?  Yes he said because the Pirate game starts in 10 minutes.  Is there ever a night that some team isn’t playing some game that my retired groom isn’t interested in?  Well just as well, there’s a weather alert going across the TV right now saying a severe storm is on its way.  Putting a damper on our ride and the game.

I worry about you so much as you are torn between watching over your mother and wanting to be home.  I can’t imagine the constant conflict in your heart as we lost my parents so early in our marriage.  I remember my dad wanting me to stay at home after mom died and after 3 weeks dad said I want you to stay but your place is with your husband and I left but we came back every other weekend not so much for dad but for Lynne.

Our time together will be split until your mom can see that being up here will make life so much easier for all involved.  I don’t think she will ever see that and I worry and pray that God keeps you safe during this struggle in our lives.

Love to be curled up on the couch next to my retired groom as he plays music videos on his laptop. The music brings back memories and the house is just peaceful and calm with just the two of us growing old together.  Having to be apart at this time on our life is heartbreaking and so this time of peacefulness is just what we need. After his stressfull week away I love that our home is his favorite place to be and home is where I am.

Too hot outside today.  Watching 007 movies.  Skyfall is the one on now but I like Pierce Brosen better then this man.  I remember going the a marathon weekend at college when the movie theater showed all the 007 movies with Sean Connerey I think there were 5.   Ate alot of popcorn and since our dorm rooms were not air conditioned it was a great way to keep cool.  These Bond movies weren’t made yet so I’m catching up.

I think I like the old movies so much because they remind me of going to the Columbia Theatre with my mom.  Today’s movie, Love is a Many Splendor Thing is just one of those movies.  I think the song hit the charts before the movie came out.  My mother used to dance around the house singing it.

Some afternoons mom and I would walk to town and get lunch and then go to the movies.  My brother and sister were in school so I must have been 4 or 5.  I remember less about the movie as I did about the majesty of the Theather.  The beautiful staircase that lead to the balcony and the restrooms that I just always had to see on the pretense of having to go. The pop corn and the candy was the other treat.  We went on the days the cleaning lady was there so my brother and sister didn’t come home to an empty house, although my grandfather was usually home by 4 pm after work.  We lived with my grandfather in his house.  I think we lived three blocks up the hill from downtown, our church, the school and a couple blocks farther to the movie.  I usually feel asleep during the movie after the popcorn and candy.  At home, during dinner we just told everyone we went shopping and we usually had bags to prove it. The movies were mom and my secret. The old movies bring back these memories.  I can hear her heels clicking on the pavement as we walked up State St.  We always stop at church to light a candle before heading home.

Three months on the statin drugs and my cholesterol has elevated. Really??  Oh some of it went down,  the good cholesterol dropped a couple points but the rise in the bad off set it.

I had decided that I would get my blood test and upon seeing the drop in numbers, would try lowering the numbers in a more natural way by eating better and losing weight.  The statin drug gives me such pains in my legs that I feel just can’t be good.  So until I talk to my MD I’m at a loss.

Are squeaky clean.  I always wondered what that meant and since I bought my Floormate by Hoover for hardwood floors I now know.  After using it, my floors squeak when I walk on them.  This machine is a lifesaver.  I can’t mop my floor anymore and now this machine scrubs then squeegees up the the water and then blows the floor dry.  I ordered it and figured I would try it out and be disappointed.  But to my surprise I am thrilled with it.  Thrilled!!!!

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Gone tomorrow.  Time sure flies.

It takes me away from the worries and fears of today.  The Daughter of Union County and the Kitchen House are 2 of the books I read this week.  I didn’t pick them for any other reason then they were free to me on Kindle.  Not expecting to be drawn into a free book, I was pleasantly surprised. Both books ocurred during the days of slavery along with the oppression of women.  Men owned slaves and they also owned their wives.

History of the 1700 and 1800s was the actual time period and the author developed each character to such an extent that I was feeling their sadness, joy and hardships.   The extensive discriptions of each and every place almost made me feel part of the community as I watch the characters lives unfold. Each book made me realize how lucky I didn’t live during this time period as my temper and independance would never permitted me to survive in such a oppresive era.  Although if I did I’m sure my dad would have reared me to be the same person I am today.

Washing that grey out of my hair. It’s been a month already! Hope my brain isn’t turning as white as my hair and so quickly.  But from 2 MRIs over the past 8 years my Dr. says it is.  It’s called small vessel disease.  Wish it would clear out the bad memories instead of making my good ones cloudy.  HBP causes the SVD so I take the white pills to keep it down.  Trying to stay cool, calm and collected so washing out the grey is one step I take every month along with the pills.  And then on to Zanos for a haircut.  A good haircut always takes some weight off my shoulders.

I wish I understood downtime.  By that I mean times when I feel down.  Not wanting to dance and sing is understandable but not wanting to get out of bed is another.  Thinking of how much time is left sure eats up that time and yet I constantly count, hours, minutes, seconds until I can jump back into bed and the aches and pains stop.

Or is it?  Now in late life I realize the meaning of the word and realize I have lived it all my life. What you see is what you get is another way to describe an authentic person. There is no pretention no front.  You seldom think about what is going through their mind when they are with you. They jump in without reservation or worry to  what others may think.  An authentic person doesn’t need permission. Most times their instincts and gut reactions are true if not right.

Nothing special about today or yesterday, HUBBY and I just worked on the outside of our house.  Trimming bushes, dividing and replanting a few perennials and getting our patio ready for summer cookouts or just sitting and enjoying the view.  It was just the two of us together that made it such a great day.  The give and take of helping each other work to make our home as beautiful as we can.  Will miss him when he leaves in a few days to be with his mom keeping her company as her broken leg and wrist heals.  Tomorrow the front porch and planting flowers in pur patio pots are on our agenda for another day of togetherness.  Love how he stops every once in awhile and tells me that this is what he bargain for when he married me.  And I have to say, so did I.

Seems to change our togetherness behaviors.  One is left alone to take care of the homefront while the other travels and takes care of family responsibilities. As our time away strenghtens our individualities it breaks down our togetherness.  Attitudes are adjusted to those of others and don’t work well between the two.  Retirement adjustment took about 5 years to where our personalities began to mesh in a loving and fair sync.  But extended times away seems to invade on the delicate balance of give and take to where our individualities begin to take the lead again.  It saddens me that the pressure of family responsibilities put such a long distance between us at this time of our life.

But unables one to view through a lens with more understanding. Discerning reasons for actions, words and attitudes that never appear through the rose-colored glasses of youth.  A younger lens often distorts the action to appeal to the viewer while the lens of age peels the layers of decite covering the truthfulness of many movements of lip and tone.  Aging gives the heart a thickened layer to absorb the pain that in youth would cause a break. Aging is the armor over youth.

A sunny day doesn’t always make one happy.  So many things can happen on a sunny day that can really bring one down.  Illness, expectations and words to name a few.  These three things have mixed and really put a damper on my mood.  Sometimes I think people demand too much, think too little and speak when words can’t explain actions and feelings.  I find it sad that one can justify actions by stepping on another’s goodwill and feelings to satisfy their own wants, needs and entertainment. Playing out a mood caused by another and making plans without even a thought of someone not included can cause another hole that again becomes unfillable.  Rationalizing is the norm in these instances.  Loudly declaring one rights and needs only leads to withdrawal and melancholy of what a wonderful day it could have been.

Yesterday was one of those days. Everyone has an opinion of what they think is the right thing to do and of course what we do seems to be the wrong thing.  It seems that what we do is judged and measured and rated according to how they live and how and when we fit in.

My stomach is tied in knots over what we can do that meets with everyone’s expectations.  We try to live this part of our lives, that should be a life of more freedom and throwing our fate to the wind, but many seem to have opinions on how these days should be lived. After raising a family and doing everything we could to fulfill our responsibilities to the best of our abilities, our freedom days have now become an inquiry of how much time we spend where and with whom.

I think its time to cut the land line put wheels on our life and take off without others determining our destination and pit stops.  We’re traveling the last 10 years of our life according to the Insurance Companies who no longer want to insure our lives because were a bad risk.  So in my opinion we need to fill our tank with gas and follow Jo Dee Messino’s advice and flip a coin. Heads Carolina, tails California, throw out the rear view mirror and never look back. This retired couple needs to do the Honeymoon of our lives with room for only two.

My backyard is resembling a swamp. The mowing hasn’t been my thing since he retired but due to his mom’s accident I’m trying to get it done.  FIVE SWIPES and then 3 Advil and sit down to rest. FIVE more swipes then water and sit down to rest.  There has been so much rain that the wheels of the mower are sinking and that part under water just can’t be mowed.  So happy our son came to my rescue and finished mowing. Retirement has made me a bit overweight and inactive and things I used to do easily have become a real chore.

I don’t think I’ve had a good belly laugh since he left.  It’s been more than a week and I’m a laughing girl but no one makes me laugh like my retired groom. From the moment I wake til my eye lids droop his antics and words just crack me up.  Whether he’s cooking a dish he’s never cook before or doing his daily stretches, he constantly narrates every move or ingredient added  until he groans with pain or surprise. I’m always asking if he needs a bandaid or an ambulance.  I feel like I’m living in a cartoon as he reminds me of Fred Flinstone or Baby Huey.

And when my retired chef is not around, the easy road is the track I always jump on.  Ice cream, cookies and cake with some Coca Cola on the side. Oh and did I mention Cheetos and cheedared baked lays potato chips as a chaser.

I do eat a spinach salad every day for lunch which I hope off-set a few of the munchie calories and fats. Without my foodie cop arresting my bad food habits I’m pretty sure the good stuff won’t jump in my bags on my grocery trips to the 7/11. Hopefully on my next food run they won’t have any other goodies appealing to my dark junk food side, my hips just can take it.

On a side note I did buy 3 scratch lottery tickets for $3.00.  Gained no calories or winnings.

Seems to wash away the horror of the day before and half a world away. Yes it’s in our mind but because it is not on our ground or piercing our skin it’s only a slight hurt in our hearts.  I pray that God has mercy on those of us not suffering from this new explosion of hatred that has reigned down on the innocents at their time of play and excitement.  Forgive us for not praying enough for those whose names and faces we don’t know or love in our hearts personally.  His heart aches for all His children today those physically gone and suffering as well as the rest of us who don’t realize that it’s only a matter of time as this hatred inches closer and closer.

It is at this time that we need to remember the resurrection of our souls that Jesus came and died to award those who Love and Honor God.  The end of suffering and the beginning of new life with God has occurred again in the most saddest way for those left behind.

History has always been something that I thought we only studied but, through living, we have seen it come to life in vivid colors over the airwaves.  I didn’t live during the civil war, the two world wars, the depression or the big crash on wall street but today from the 1950s forward history has been occuring before my eyes.  The good, the bad and the ugly as people continue to forge, change, replace, and continue our living history, encyclopediaing it for the future as our forefathers have done for generations.  My history spans the presidencies of Eisenhower through Trump with both the political parties of my father and and my friends.  Today I hear many praise the same presidents that in my view are undeserving and lambasting those I see as real heros.  Of course this is the basics of the democratic society, as the pendulum of history swings from one party to the next.  Personal history seldom make the history books as individuals strive through the political atmosphere, using those aspects that help and complain about those that don’t benefit, yet cost hard earned dollars just the same.

Back in our hometown, life unfolds among the tombstones of our family cemetery.  There,  remembrances engraved in concrete or marble, resides our families, friends, schoolmates, to teachers and neighbors who have formed the characters of those tip- toeing through.   The grass covered ground of this final resting place is bumpy and hard but the air is fresh and quiet as the sun shines and the wind blows.  Coming to this hallowed ground as a child, holding my father’s hand, reminded me of going to church.  He pointed out the names of my grandmother and others who like Jesus didn’t exist in my world, gone long before I entered.  Standing and viewing the number of tombstones that have multiplied in number from those days of visitations, I realize this is where my past exists and my future will travel. This is the neighborhood of my life and the place where I will take residence sometime in the future.  It will be the place where my own will tip-toe thru hoping to feel my hugs, hear my laughs and shed tears for the times together that we shared.  As dad taught me, they are not here but only their remains, that we miss.  The soul resides in eternal rest and in the hearts of those who love us. Like in life the bodies of saints and sinners reside together as the body is weak but the soul is resilient and everlasting, rising or decending according to choices and mindset.  The body is the vessel chosen by God to prepare the soul for unending life of glory or damnation. The body like the caterpiller is only the shell to protect, steer and deliver the soul until it releases its final great breath to the butterfly.

 

 

Today’s colors would be a mixture of ebony and azure with splashes of cream and scarlet to intensify the mood.  The pallet changes with the passing of the hour as hope or despair enters the landscape.  Each day becomes a post-it note until added to the canvas at the appropriate sequence, descriptive of the feeling and intensity of the moment. Calling up a splash of yellow, orange or red would indicate the hope with each fleeting tick of the clock as day and night pass into eternity and smudged or fixed in its place on a small portion that depicts now and becomes a small piece of the all.  Stepping back and viewing ones life as a whole brings together all the snippets that create the Monet of ones’ purpose and existence in the overall masterpiece of life as painted by the Creator.

Questions with one word that can never be answered in the same way asked. Whenever asked, these questions always entail a longer detailed explanation. Once asked they continue with the same what, where and why over again until the answers and questions spiral into an emptiness of whatever, wherefore and why not.

It’s supposed to be colder tomorrow so golf may not be his thing on my only free day.  By free day I refer to my time alone without being asked questions, given facts, showing how, fixing, finding and listening to his TV stations and thoughts on everything from Trump to sports.  So I’m hoping the TV weatherman is wrong and will update his forcast to a free day for this retired bride.  Please!

Funny.  Today my retired groom asked what type of lightbulb I thought he was. Since I’m left-thanded he knows what to expect from my observations.

Honey I said, I would decribe you as a 3-way bulb.  DIM on somethings, medium on others and extremely bright on others.  And over all very well rounded.

He seemed very satisfied with my thoughts.  We didn’t get into wattage or lumens.  LOL

Is a trait that needs exercise in my daily life.  My mother stressed the need to be prepared, prepared for the worst was her thought.  I understand that she was preparing me to cope with what life holds but it also doesn’t create a positive or happy outlook.  Mom felt that preparing for the worst would shield you from the shock of the worst happening and give you the skills to readjust quickly rather then wallowing in the actuality. One learns much from their mother and I learned much from mine.  I feel this preparation for the worst has served me well as I encountered her and my father’s early departure and needed  to absorb the shock and move on quickly as a young mother of 4.  Though out my life I expected one outcome but was prepared for the other because of her wise training.

Including those in my life that had my back and steering clear of those who care little for me or mine was another acute teaching.  She informed me that many people could be an occasion of sin if I followed their evil ways or actions or values.   Instruction was a daily education tool for her with life, religion and viewing people who would stop me, hinder me or fault me.  She had a keen eye of people and kept her thoughts and opinions within her family rather then gossip.  She was a believer of silence in public if a comment wasn’t nice or polite.  But within our family her comments were quick and exact as to the conduct, words and actions of others, usually like most mothers. Today my mind always is intuned to these instructions even though my father tried to candy coat some of her harsh predictions.  Being happy and positive was not an overly emphasized need as she believed the road less traveled and unpaved built character while the easy way was the lazy way.  As this retired bride is finding her way through aging expecting the worse has eased my mind as things have turned out better than I have expected.  I guess I am well prepared for catastrophe and am pretty good in an emergency but have little patience for the small and irritating daily normal of life like poison ivy or the price of gas or interest rates since at the end of our roads it’s the most important things in my life that our Maker will judge me, not my unmade beds or dirty dishes or money in my pocket.  Looking through my mother’s instruction book called Mother Love, I understand from where her thoughts and teaching came.  Inserted in each of her teaching moments was also the need to pray for guidance and when all else failed ask God for help and trust in His intercession.

Left home a few days ago to travel to my grandson’s nursery school graduation. The House was clean when I left but now the cycle of unpacking, cooking and cleaning begins its never end of spinning.  The grass grew therefore needing cut brings clippings onto the floors and carpets.  Poison Ivy erupts and the need for treatment with more trips of washing hands and arms dirtying more towels and creating trash to be empty.  Then there’s the daily or twice daily showers involving more towels and the need for turning on the washing machine and dryer enacting the need for folding and putting away. Then bedtime creates more dirty clothes, messed up bathroom, beds unmade to be made again and so it goes. Up again, food cooked, hands washed, trash made, bed made etc. The treadmill of life still running in this retired couples life.  I’m thinking assisted living is starting to look good.

One of the first charms my mother bought for my charm bracelet that was a big trend back in the day was a Worry Bird.  I think I was 12.  My father tried to get me to stop worrying about things beyond my control but beyond ones’ control is the reason for worry.

Today as retired parents and grandparents our control is only in the form of guidance. We are now the older generation, trying to accept and keep up with the technology, ideas and new educational guidelines. Guidelines that have been installed in a school system that is far from the basic human needs and knowledge that has begotten today’s world inventions and scientists noted and quoted from generations past to present.  Kids need to have a childhood that is informative and carefree that sends them into the future with a good self image and fearless integrity.  Raising kids today gives parents a need for more knowledge and skills than just a good job and basic cooking ideas.  They need to have eyes in the schools where there children are being bullied and many times overlooked by a school system and teachers who are more intuned to regulations and meeting standards that address their job security and monetary advancements.  Leaving no child behind was just a political statement rather that a moral trend.

Retired life leaves me much time for worry.  I realize now how many times my eyes rolled as I explained to my parents some of the issues I was facing. Therefore to keep from causing the rolling eyes I try to listen more with less interjection of- well, when I was parenting- in order to think of some guidance I might be able give my kids at a less intense time.

God has told us in the scriptures not to worry about tomorrow as tomorrow will have it own problems.  I think I paraphrased His words a little.  But in order to realize my ability to keep my worries at a manageable limit I have been trying to keep my thoughts on today’s issues and give God tomorrow’s problems in case He decides tomorrow isn’t in this retired brides future.

Our youngest grandson is still drawing and has turned his 50 plus pictures into a flash card game for his retired papa and retired grandma.  Trying to figure out the picture is one trick and then remembering his discription as he flashes the picture in front of our eyes is keeping our memories alive and sharp. With each new edition of the game he draws 5 new pictures and the flash card game begins again.  This has been going on non-stop for 3 days and I now can remember all the pictures but I’m sure his next edition will stump me again. This would be a great game grandchildren could play at nursing homes.  Keeping their lonely grandparents laughing and engaged as they try to remember these unique visions of a 5 year olds ideas on paper. This is a table with 2 chairs one of his easier drawings to interpret.

Today, I spent the morning with our daughter and grandson and it took me back many years.  As we were going from store to store my grandson would talk or make requests preventing my daughter and I from having a clear conversation.  It brought me back to the day she greeted me at the front door of her childhood home with half of her front tooth in her hand and the other half appearing jagged from her smile. And with tears streaming down her face she said,  “you went to the Mall shopping without me and see what happened.”  She has reapeated this many times to me through the years but not today.  Could it be that she now understands that mom’s can’t be everywhere and sometimes need to shop alone.  But I do wish that day I took you with me.   But the broken tooth did not hamper your smile or beautiful looks in anyway.  Nor did it change the beautiful laugh I love hearing.  Thank God for great dentists and sweet girls who forgive their mom’s who sometimes need alone time..

Our grandson loves to color and draw. During our weekend stay he drew, drew and drew.   Each picture he presented us he went into great detail as to what the picture was.  Some explanations I could see immediately but others had me searching around for similarities of what he might have seen and transfer in thought to paper.  His ideas range from sharks in fountains to cakes and helicopters.  Each new vision he draws make me realize that my retired groom and I may be witnessing a Picasso in the making.

 

 

What is the meaning of appointments? It’s a time that something happens, not around the time, not after the time but the exact time, on the dot.

What is meant by the saying “When in Rome do as the Romans do?”  It means when you’re spending time with other people and in their lives, you do what they want to do or have scheduled.  Like a graduation, a party, a dinner or a ball game.

Both of these things have great meaning to me.  When an appointment is made every effort needs to be made for an arrival at least a half hour early not after the invitees have taken their seats in the auditorium.  A not at the last 2 minutes of the ballgame.  To me, arriving after your invitees have left for the function or arriving at the end of a player’s game for no other reason than your lack of punctuality, should be a sign that your not interested and the invitation or the appointment needs to be turned down or cancelled.  When something like this occurs in the same weekend one’s BP raises to unhealthy levels and for one’s own well being needs to be re-thought as  to attending with my partner.  In the past I went solo but hoped with aging my temperment would bend or my partner would understand my issues that cannot bend with certsin things and try to see the reasoning behind rages.  As the time is growing dimmer with age, my hope for my retired groom is to see the light before my answer to his traveling requests will be the only sane answer.

Today, and I dont know why today, but as I drove through our town around 3:15 pm I became intensely aware of everything.  Every movement, kids, adults and all colors unfolding around me.  The windows in my car were closed and there was no sound only colors, people, cars and everything in constant movement.  My eyes and mind were taking in an abundance of stimulation that had absorbed my breath and altered time in my view. Things appeared in slow motion as I watched a trolley of sunflower yellow turn the corner.   There was no noise from honking horns as this line of colorful cars appeared as dots and dashes of all the colors of the rainbow, stagnant and then rainbow stripes as the traffic slowly began to move.  At the red light farther down the street, again time stood still as I watched kids walking, jumping and running as they just got out of school.   They were all dressed in every color that you’d find in a 64 pack of crayola  crayons. The one common element on each moving body was a backpack.  The younger kids, girls and boys had colorful ones and the older kids’ bags ranged between black to kayki green.  75 % of the kids were texting on phones and the calamity of shoes were even more colorful and variegated with a neon or awkward height wedge scattered in the mix.  The sky was baby blue with white puffs of cotton floating by as clouds.  The oddest dressed person was a girl on the college campus around the corner and up the hill from downtown. She had on a midriff T-shirt in black with black speckled short shorts and black knee socks that  climed up over her knees with black strappy wedged sandals finishing the odd combination..  The boy she was with didn’t seem to fit with her exotic outfit. My exact discription of this couple occurred because they were in my view for an extended period of time as I was stopped at one more redlight. As I continued up the street my eye caught a view of the smalled dog that look like a black and white bull dog that I would call Spot.  The middle aged couple leashed to the dog were wearing big grins and dressed in drab beige.  I don’t recall how I got home other than I felt a pull to a destination but was only aware of the blue sky, the floating clouds and the smell of brilliant green grass.  Sitting in my car I didn’t realize where I was until the view of my opened garage door caught my eye.  The time that passed from the River walk to my driveway seemed like a dream.  And I’m not absolutely sure this vision was true or just a daydream or if I really left my driveway at all.  Today at this moment this episode of time was magical. I hope this retired groom’s wife experiences more views of life in slow motion inhaling God’s beautiful creation.  Life is short and time speeds by and stopping to smell the roses is not over rated.