God clears my
Mind, soul and conscience
From things that get stuck
In my soul…
Judgements, dislikes and
Hold every pain…
That keeps me from finding
Peace in the daily visions
Of your creation…
Confession is good for the soul
But voicing my defects
Is a hard thing to do…
The process is freeing
Show me the way…
The name of the game
With all going on in the world
And the news repeating it
Hourly…
Living daily in peace
Is my goal…
A tooth problem,
A muffler problem
At this age is so minor
When we could
Already be six feet under…
Why can’t we just be at peace
And joyful that we’re here,
Well and have what we need…
Thanks be to God
I try to write
As many thoughts
Cross my sight
Focusing…
On a subject that’s right
For today, this hour
With words wondering…
Coming up with a thought train
I hope to find
That will connect words together
Making sense on paper that seem
Unclear in my mind…
Backyards run together
Some divided by fences
Keeping some out
And still…others in…
They contain episodes
Of life neighbors keep
From the front…
Like dogs, gardens and tools
Windchimes, wheelbarrows
And bikes…
There are bird houses, bird feeders
Birdbaths, statues, grills and lights…
Grass seems to cover all though
Weeds peek through at times…
Swings sets squeak in the wind
And patios or porches also
Dot the terrain…
Dogs run and bark behind
The fences but can be seen
And enjoyed…
Kids don’t seem as active anymore
As digital games have taken
Over catch, hopscotch
And jumping rope…
No longer do the nets stretch
Across the yards as most
Of our backyard kids are grown
With backyards
Of their own…
In a better place
And not in a race
Of unwanted thoughts…
Although the things I read
Only educate me on the
Ugliness of humanity…
Murder mysteries are
The genre I always devour
Usually able to complete in
One sitting…
While engaged
I’m seldom sad
Or wonder why…
But when the mystery
Is solved my minds looks
For a more terrifying
Text to occupy my
Worrying mind…
They are completed
Not mailed.,,
Owing causes late filing
As money is transfer
And paid…
As long as you file
They know you’re not dead
It will be nice
To mail and get these
Figures out of my head…
Feet ground us
Carry us around this earth
Yet my hands seem to be
Aging at a faster rate…
Maybe my feet get
More exercise than my hands
But comparing them today
My hands look way older
Than my feet…
My hands have age spots
Bulging blue veins
Crepy and wrinkled…
My feet still look like the
Teenage feet that used to
Carry me Around in my
Bikini at the beach.:.
Why such a difference
Could the feet be following the
Age in my mind
And my hands following
The age of my body…
Or hasn’t aging reached my
Feet yet…
There’s a sadness in me
Due to the thoughts that fill
My mind because of my age…
I should be grateful every morning
And I am…
Although the fear of my life ending
And the turmoil that surrounds
In family, in the country, in health
Is taking a toll on my peace.,,
He hates the way I wrap up the cord…
I hate the way he runs over the cord…
Electrical tape always decorates our
Vacuum…
If I buy a new one I will padlock it…
And add it to the fridge, dishwasher
And microwave that he is very
Rough on…
My retired groom is in the kitchen
Where else…
It’s he’s favorite place…
Today it’s pizza
What else
It’s his favorite food…
But he’s also boiling eggs
For egg salad which I’m
Sure he’ll devour before the
Pizza dough has risen…
Me…I have left overs from
My dinner last night…
I like fast food
Ready when I want it
And no mess to clean…
So again today
Eating separately
With no dishes to clean
For this retired grooms bride…
In a few short days…
I used to worry about
How much and how to pay
When mortgage and tuition
Payments were also due…
Today I think about them
But will procrastinate
Til tomorrow and keep
My dollars making interest
For another day…
A well planned Retirement
Thanks to my hubby
Takes away the worry
Everyday…
These are the days
That make me sad before
Spring arrives…
The sky is grey
Grass is brown
And the road ways are
Covered in debris
That make me grateful
For Lady Bird Johnson’s
Initiative of keeping America
Beautiful…
But the winds spreading the
Litter dropped by uncaring
Citizens have come to light
As the dark clouds
Add to the gloomy skies…
Always thankful for the
Glorious spring days that are
Around the corner
With sun to nourish my
Little green sprouts breaking
Though the earth preparing
For the glorious and colorful blooms…
Is a thing…
Two weeks alone
Then back together again…
Takes some adjustment…
Where you park the car
In the driveway…
The seat up again
For two weeks you
Haven’t fallen in…
Sharing the tuna casserole
Made for one…
Things in the fridge
Are moved around…
Aromas coming from the kitchen
When I don’t cook…
Adjustments to our solo days
Having changed both our ways…
Another Spring
Is on its way
And my faith jump
Out at me today…
I’m sitting in my sunroom
Robins are
Building…
Watching as they fly around
Busy with urgency
To fill their nest…
As God has willed it
For all these years
We take for granted
As…just another day…
Revelation of His Creation
Continuing…
Giving me tremors
As my
Faith
Quakes
Today…
I was born here
As a women in the
Land of the free…
Home of the brave
There’s more things to see here
Why would I want to go there…
Places where our grandparents
Packed up and left
To find a better life here…
They worked hard
To have the life they gave us…
Why go back..,
Today is not a good day
The sun is shining
But life is on hold
And has been for
Too long…
Will come up
Tomorrow…
Just for me!
Before he goes
Clothes ready
Buy him more comfy socks
Super glue his glasses
Bag with tissue his gifts
Pack his computer and DVD player
With the movies and songs
To play for his mom…
Cheryl’s cookies
PJs and blouse for mom
Gift for brother
All the food he’s planning on cooking
Getting outfits packed
Glasses, insurance cards
Money and all he wants..,
Then peace and quiet
Will begin for me..:
To do as I please…
Come and go, sleep
Eat when and what I want…
Binge watch all my shows…
“Everybody needs some time away”…
Is the song playing in my brain…
Took up too much of my life
This week
But we watched together…
We felt a guilty verdict
Would be a definite…
I’m also thinking he could
Have set it up to have someone
Do it…
B cause of the set up of wanting
Them home…
Just hard to believe a father
And husband could
Look at them and kill them…
Wish we could get on the same page
Once in awhile…
Lately we haven’t even been in the
Same book…
I have EarPods in
Listening to a pod cast
While you watch basketball
Or talk to your mom
Not wanting to interrupt
Or disturb you…
But you constantly talk to me
During commercials…
Again my books don’t have commercials
Nor do I need to tell you how many chapters
Are in my book as
You feel the need to give me the statistics
On the players in the game..:
Now your listening to operatic
Music at top volume without even
Asking if I mind..:
So off to another room I go..:
Counting the days
Death
I’ve felt alone
He was the only one
I could air my soul too…
No judgement
We would discuss it
Just would ask why I
Felt that way…
But I never felt my
Way/idea was completely out
Of the question…
I talk to him often
Nightly but without
That squeeze of his hand
On mine the loneliness
Continues…
Today I realize my garbage
Disposal is over 20 years old…
Before this one I had 3 garbage
Disposals in the same house
For the 25 years before..,
Before I would buy what was on sale
As we had a family, we were young
Tried to be fugal but I have learned
Over the years that you can’t go cheap
With something that runs everyday
At many hours of the day and you
Depend on it to work…
We remodeled our kitchen 20
Years ago and in our budget
Was $$$ for the top of the line
Disposal…
I can’t say we put the top of the line
Of every appliance cause we didn’t…
But I have found over the years that
The corners you cut that seem
Unimportant get replaced every
3 to 5 years…
Like the trusty sump pump..,
Out of sight and usually only
One in the family is aware of its
Importance…
On a rainy night I can’t sleep
Unless I can hear my pump
Going off at a regular cadence…
I try to replace mine every 3 years
Because ONE failure spells disaster
And a lot of $$$ in cleanup…
This retired bride tries to
Keep everything working…
Is peaking through
This very cloudy day
Roofing nails are heard
Being pounded in next door…
The air is chilly
A cold front with ice
And snow is on the way
And our third curly haired
Grandson turned 18 today…
The sun rises and sets
And our life goes on
As our family celebrates
These milestones…
My heart aches for the babies
I rocked who have now
Turned to men
Letting me kiss and hug them
As they run in to say high
And I cry each time we have to wave bye…
But this is the way of the world
God has given
Lending us our children to raise
And send out into the world
To make their way, their mark
On the road they travel
To heaven…
I pray He watches over all of them…
Is slowly deleting
Some of our memories…
I see it daily in him
And feel it in me…
It’s upsetting to tell him
Something and two minutes
Later I have to repeat…
He said thanks for reminding me
But it’s worrisome…
The kids say this has always
Been him
But I’ve known him
So much longer
And it’s making me sad
And even more observant…
Makes for long lines
At fast food restaurants
Today…
People are getting in their
Cars for a ride to get
A latte, coke or cone
To enjoy a he sunshine
On this very chilly day..,
Entering back after so long
Is a process…
Starting the morning in
A crappy way doesn’t
Do it…
Life goes on
you just
Go and come and expect
Glad tidings
As life goes on in
All directions
In one’s absence…
The balance is upset
And has had to adjust
With those left at home…
Won’t hinder my traveling
At my age in life…
God will come and get me
When it’s time
But til then my travels
Come out of my wallet…
I remember filling up
Our family convertible in ‘64
At $.25 cents a gallon…
I just filled up and said charge it
My dad always paid the bill…
Over the years Running out
Of gas was a monthly thing
As I hated using my coins
When I could buy something else…
So trying to get every drop out
Of the tank left me walking home
On many occasions…
Then in ‘’74 remember waiting in
Line for an hour or more as gas
Was limited…hubby watched
The kids and I waited for gas…
Today as gas prices have escalated
I find too many complain
As they sip on grande lattes
At Starbucks…do they ever calculate
The price per gallon…
75 has let in much light…
People choose their importance
Regardless of commitment
Certain things are important
Others rank lower…
Importance is in the eye of the beholder
And one needs to understand
Where their importance ranks
And accept or reject but not
Compromise or regret…
And of course I’m feeling
Pretty ok right now…
But the cough and the
Phlegm has been a problem
Since 12/11…
Almost 2 months.,,
Not just aging but
Getting closer to the end
Plays with your mind…
Dreams rewind times in
Your life both good and
Awful…
Giving you a recollection
Of what you did and what
You might have done
Differently…
There is no redo of life
There is doing, and owning
Whether you’re proud of the actions
Or not…
Reliving your life in your mind
Is an award for life well done
Or penance for the screw ups…
I pray God is like my father
Patient and forgiving…
Was a humdinger…
Paint was thrown
All over the outside
Of the house
But it was like someone
Was painting a Monet
It was beautiful…
Said the husband…
As he explained….
Forgot to put the key
Back under the mat..
She must be upset
The Miata wasn’t
In the garage…
The neighbors were scratching
Their heads with his
Explanation of the vandalism…
She leaves little things
Around the house…
Who bought the Miata
Probably a young woman
As she always said it was
A chick’s car…
Better not eat
The fudge stripe cookies
She occasionally leaves
On the pillow…
Or I’ll be with her
Sooner than expected…
She doesn’t live here anymore
But she doesn’t know…
Another winter day
Is upon us…
The shine of the sun
Is hidden behind the
Snow filled sky that
Is dusting it’s flakes on
This part of my
World…
Different views of things going on
In the world..,
Mostly we are on the same page
But things come up that I
Have no interest in and he
Is not interested in things that
Grab my attention…
I love to read murder & romance
He reads things on the internet
But seldom a book…
He loves to share his views,
I don’t…
Talking is done too much these
Days with little action…
2 years of Covid has cause
A lot of opinions, fears
And changes in the world…
I find history is not being made
As much as it’s being repeated…
The have’s have it…
The have nots need it
And the world suffers!!!
In my life
The Bermuda Triangle
Exists where the fridge, stove
And sink form a triangle
In our kitchens…
Most days my retired husband
Becomes lost in this area
For hours…
Cutting, searching, searing,
From morning til dark until
Something edible appears but
Not appealing to my taste buds…
After hours of toil and tasting and
Tasting and more tasting…
He might give up and place it in a bowl
in the cold corner of our
Triangle for another day of adding
More ingredients or just lingering
Til a green slim appears and the
Other corner becomes useful
To wash it away…
I seldom venture in to inquire
Or taste less I be ask to help
Clean up the mess…
For the past 13 years since my retired
Groom stopped working I have turned
Over this triangle of my life to him…
To love and cherish as I once did
When it was my domain…
Since then pots have been burned,
Dishes have smashed, cutlery have
Turned missing…expensive knives
Have appeared that I never thought
We could afford…
Like me he realizes the mess has to
Be cleaned and the eaters will never
Be around to help as they have disappeared
From this triangle which they only
Relish when the aromas bring them rushing
In for the tasty plates…
But like all who venture into the triangle
Disappear, including his retired bride…
My husband does it…
It gets him out of the house
Keeps him busy
Gives him something to do…
Brings home stuff out of date
That gets him back to the store
Out of the house to return the product…
He also plans our meals
While shopping and ends up
Cooking because his ingredients
Don’t match my recipes…
Retirement brings on many changes
And this one has been the BEST for
This retired groom’s….retired bride…
I hope my little
Posts gives you some happiness
In my absence…
At 75…20 years longer
Than my mother and her
Mother lived on earth
This thought is constantly
On my mind…
I know you’re irreplaceable
And if you feel the same
Then the sadness of my
Absence will strike you heavily.,.
I’m sure the loss of a spouse
Is a heart wrenching jolt
Especially since we’ve been
Together so long…
We won’t notice the first
Few days alone as you
Have traveled so much of
Our lives….first with work
And now in retirement with
Your aging mother…
Never doubt whether you
Made me happy, safe and gave me
All I needed and wanted…
You absolutely did…💕💕💕
My daily thoughts and love
Are and always have been
You…Since that first kiss and
All the kisses and love since then
Daily…
If I’m gone…knowing not where…
I have our faith…what we believe
And I will hold you again…
Know my heart and soul
Will never let go of you
My loving, beautiful, boyfriend ,
Husband, Lover and Friend…
❤️💕❤️💕❤️💕❤️💕❤️💕👩🏻🦳
Opens my eyes to many things…
People see your mistakes,
Shortcomings and flaws
But never call out their own…
One must lookout for themselves
As everyone else’s outlook
Is from a different view than
Yours…
One is always closer to the cliff
Than the other and you must
Always be sure of your own
Footing…
Only you walk in your shoes…
I will no longer hear insults,
Complaints or ugliness
My life is now too short
For such nonsense
I will only eat my choice
And when I want…
My cravings and timelines
Run on my crazy clock…
My tastes buds were imbedded
At birth and served me well
Through my life
Otherwise I wouldn’t
Still be overeating…
The Lord is My Shepard
I do not want or need
Anything more…
He thinks it’s me
I think it’s He…
Both at 3/4 of a century
With all our faculties
But some aren’t as accurate
As they used to be…
I can’t hear him
He says it’s my hearing
I say he mumbles…
He takes everything out
Not putting it back or
Putting things in strange places…
So we are forever looking for
Everything…
He was to take a drivers exam
Driving and written
But thankfully they waived it…
Or he wouldn’t be driving
He feels…and I second that
Emotion…
Aging is taking a toll
On both of us!!!
Drop more frequently
As I age
They take the place of
Words my heart
Just can’t say.,.
The new battery on the remote
Replaced.,,
And he’s playing all the music
Of our teens, high school and
College days…
Dancing in our sunroom on
A Saturday morning makes
My day bright…
He dances slow the same
As he did those many years ago…
We get lost in life and music
Brings us back to the time
That got us here and keeps
Us where love stays…
J
Is the worst I’ve ever had…
I will never travel before
Christmas again.,.
Fighting the flu and
RSV has been a nightmare
Not spending Christmas with
My kids has been the saddest
day and sitting with football
Games on the TV all day
Totally stinks stink stinks……
Leave home around Christmas again
But the feeling is there
That you’d rather be elsewhere
Not here…
Your brother is with your
Mom and I know you wish
You were there to as
Christmases are limited
as we age…
She’s 20 Christmases older
Than I…
My joy is buried
Somewhere
And I can’t seem to find…
I feel my smile is downturned
And my cheeks are aching
With the weight of the frown
trying to turn it upside
Down
Has been an effort nowhere
To be found…
The state of affairs
The upcoming holiday
And my hubby’s reiterating
His dismal feeling
Keeps pulling the feelings farther
And farther down…
Is it the winter cold
The stormy forecast
Or am I exhausted from
My travels…
Get up… shake it offf
Maybe I need a
Cola this holiday season…
On a cloudy Sunless Sunday
A blue sky appearing
To a brighten the day…
The road seems long
But like life the journey home
Passes at great speed
Towns and cities appear
In the vista
Visited during another
Trip but a revisit is not
On the agenda nor anytime
In the future….
A75 year life has
Pinpointed the map
Of my life only including
The area where my children
Have settle…
No longer wanting to
See the world
Barely enough time
To visit theirs…
Milestones have past
Visible only in a rear view
And drifting further away
The only milestone on the
Horizon is a granite stone
On which my name appears
Where my journey and road
Ends..:.
Enshrines me today
The blue ocean I viewed yesterday
Is grey and unappealing at this hour
The sun is hiding
And my girls are so happy with
Their full nest as their college
Boys are home again…
My nest is waiting for
The winds of time to blow
It away as our life is dwindling
Down with a nest full of memories
Of days gone by…
Purging is the word of the day
Purge this flu
This fear
This unhappiness and
Hope for a better hour
A better day and better way…
My heart is heavy with this
Gloom that resides not knowing
How to remove and sweep it
Away…
The sun is peeking out
Giving me hope
That this black cloud will
Also move out of my heart
And soul…
Cruising is like relaxing in a warm bath
With not a care in the world…
Timeshare is like living the same
Day to day life at a destination..
In my case at a beach…
The comparison between Marriott’s
Ocean view timeshare and Royal Carribian
Celebrity cruise is at the opposite end
Of the charts…
Coming off a cruise and starting the
Following week at a timeshare gives
Me first hand knowledge…
Both about the same price…
The cruise was slow, relaxing,
Not a thing to do or a finger to lift…
Excellent food and entertainment
Around every corner and included in
The price…roomed cleaned three times
A day…loose and earring in the shower
They found it.. no problem…
Arnold our cabin steward to the
Rescue…everyone of the service
People had a big smile and we knew
Them by name…fresh towel 2 or more
Times a day…
Food that would compare to 5 star dining
Every minute of my day
Rise and shine to coffee and
Muffins delivered by 7 am
Looking out for each other
Is a totally
Different feeling…
Then having the younger
Generation looking out for you…
We seems to do it diffently
Than the younger generation…
Here’s a seat…
Watch the steps, go slow,
Take your time…announcing
To all around that they have
An elderly relative with them…
It was an odd and unsettling feeling
Of been old when you don’t see
It in yourself when your with
Someone your own age…
Will I travel again after witnessing
This…
It was a wonderful trip but I fear
Beyond my capabilities at 74…
I get up late and go to sleep early
Not exactly the hip cruiser
I thought I was….
Thinking of you alone
Saddens me tonight
Although my nights
And days have been fun
There’s a loneliness
I feel not sharing the
Fun with you…
I wish we could be newlyweds
On this cruise
As all these years have
Put distance between us
With family commitment
And our different views
On travel..,
But glad we will meet up
Soon and have sunny days
And loving nights together…
And I have had a few…
50+++++ now
And I realize how
Lucky we are…
Are a thing of the past…
The pandemic has helped
Turn most of us into
Humans that talk and
Seem to have to defend their
Existence…
I text now to get
Questions answered
As no one can have
An interesting discussion
Without it becoming a
Monologue…
I’m not a listener
I’m a conversationalist…
It’s a give and take
Not a classroom where
One is the teacher
And one the student…
I’ve graduated…
And aged and no longer
Want to know what I don’t
Request to know…
Climbing the mountain
Of my life was hard,
I climbed, I learned
But I find since I’ve reached
The summit the decent
Occurs at a much faster
Pace…a pace like the Indy
500…
I only have time for
Specific conversations
Not stories or recipies
Or lectures that
Don’t interest me…
My brain, my time on earth
And my attention span
Has diminished to such a
Degree…
That I only want to
Experience things that
Interest and pleasure me…
My life has been lived
Pleasing and taking care
Of others…
My time has come…
I only have time now
For elevator speeches,
And Specific conversations
That don’t strain my
Vocal chords and
Give me many many
Potty breaks…
They call
And then tell their story…
I melt down
When I open the fridge
And everything is on one shelf…
He stuffs it all in there
On one shelf…
I clean it once a week
When I open it
Seeing bottles on their sides
Dripping their contents…
Or sticks of butter Falling
To the floor…
There were four halved
Onions, 4 bags of celery
2 partially used and 2 new…
Pieces of bread out of the bag
And bags of cheese opened and
Scattered on the one shelf…
I keep the cheese in a plastic container
Today the container sat empty
On a lower shelf…
So Sunday morning I took
Back my fridge
Which I seldom open
Since he took over the
Kitchen upon retirement…
The main reason I don’t
Straighten it daily is
Because when he sees it stuffed
At his eye view he thinks
We have enough…
When it’s cleaned out
With things organized
He thinks he needs more..:
And off shopping he goes
To fill up all the gaps he sees…
Why there were 4 bags
Of celery (I cut up two
along with the onions
Zucchini and spinach and
Bokchoy and put them in a
Gallon bag and froze for soup…
Now the freezer is another
Problem.. but I can only
Face one Alamo at a time…
24/7 retirement has proved
To be a daily adjustment
Thank Goodness he still
Travels…
As I need a reprieve
From my
Short-order-cook retired groom…
My upcoming cruise can’t
Sail soon enough as I watch
Him make pizza since his
Pizza dough and lb of
Mozzarella along with
Some remnants of peppers
And pepperoni have now
Appeared in the clean
And organized Fridge…:
Had a different flavor
In my gut but
As usual my
Heart sees the real and just
And refocuses my
Thoughts and
Fingers on my keyboard…
We’re on different timelines
Eating schedules
Vacation destination
And just about everything
From ice cream likes
To driving ways
Sleeping sides
Water and food temp
Friends, drinks
Ceiling fans
Flower colors
Talking on the phone,
Silence
And more…
Are we completely different
Yes…
Both Capricorns
Approximately the same age
Same religion and
Political beliefs,,,
Opposites attrack
I know is true
Because we’ve
Been together forever…
For me to awake
Then hitting me
With everything
He want me to do for him…
It overwhelming…
Needing an audience
To repeat everything
He reads or sees
My reading daily
Is a constant problem
For others
Who don’t share my love
For books
Yet having to listen
To their loves for sports
Cooking, fishing, golf etc
Seems to make me
Odd, and disrespectful
I’m their eyes…
I don’t read them passages
From the books I read
I try to disappear in
The pages…
In their misdst
While they yell out
At every pass, tackle
And field goal
As I remain lost
In the characters
And senery on the pages..,
To them a quiet passion
Seems to make me odd…
One needs to disregard
Me and become immersed
In their passion without
Having to pound
It into me…
When you finally get someone
On the phone to help
Why do you have to keep
Repeating what went on
While you were trying to
Work out the problem…
It’s his way…
Not mine…
Has it always been this way
Or is aging
Adding to the problem…
Have to walk away
He wants an ear
To rant at
Not a helping hand
I fear..:
A special treat
From me
Has now become
An expectation
And not what
Has been sweet
But has become a
Pain in the neck
As others have gotten
Involved…
Then when…
My thought today
As Turkey and pumpkin
Pies are bought along
With cookies…
Things I love but won’t
Be shared as one still
Means more…
Pray mine won’t experience
This constant torn feeling
Although I try to make
The feeling Less torn as I
Live these last years
Kinda on my own…
Vote today
Of my life today
Is the age of my youngest plus
Everyday I live…
Fall is the season
Of looking at the hopes and
Dreams of my children
As they grow their family
Their careers and fulfill
Seeing the fruit ripen…
Their hopes and dreams
From the love that my husband &
I share brings fulfillment
Thankfulness to my heart and soul…
Being still present in their
Lives and seeing our grandchildren
Grow and succeed under
Their tutelage makes me
Realize that the life and faith
We provided for our family
With the help and tutelage
Of our parents have reaped
Good, Christian adults as I prayed
To God to help us nurture and guide them…
Giving, adjusting our views to
Understand and guide theirs
Has provided a happy life…
Glitches along the way have humbled
All of us, pulled us closer and
Permitted them to find the right partners
To fulfill thier/God’s purpose
For their lives…
I’m thankful for Gods forever love
And guidance in our life
And give Him thanks
To fulfill our purpose in His kingdom
Whether it be our health, our
Body and mind our love
To mold us into His glorious image
as He see fits…
Blessed be God…
For over 50years now
Yet I feel his pain is so much
Greater than mine
As he witnesses her
Spiraling down the dementia
Hole…
Crying for those who have passed
And him so far away…
It would be sheer hell for him
If it weren’t for FaceTime…
My parents quick end
Was a Godsend I now realize…
I see her no different today
Then always, more intense
And living in her own mind…
My sadness is for my husband
Who bears this with such love
And patience…
I pray I pass quickly like
My parents, and grandparents
And never have my children
Cry watching my
Slow ending…
Only God knows why.,,
For over 50 years now
Yet I feel his pain is so much
Greater than mine
As he witnesses her
Spiraling down the dementia
Hole…
Crying for those who have passed
And him so far away…
It would be sheer hell for him
If it weren’t for FaceTime…
My parents’ quick end
Was a Godsend I now realize…
I see her no different today
Then always, more intense
And living in her own mind…
My sadness is for my husband
Who bears this with such love
And patience…
I pray I pass quickly like
My parents, and grandparents
And never have my children
Cry…watching me
Slowly end…
Only God knows why.,,
Go
Where to hide
When the life you planned
Has been Rerouted
To a trail that will end
On a cliff with nowhere
But death ahead
And a spiral of sadness
That our life is too
Short to recover from
I fear…
Through the Ash blight
The pandemic
And the little silver tag
Driven into its trunk
That identifies it as an
Ash…
It’s survived a crash
By a car which stunted
It a bit
And is smaller than
It’s brother growing
A little farther up the parkway…
My Ashes make me realize
That we must not give up
When a blight/pandemic
Takes hold and wipes a whole
Species from the earth…
My Ash is a species of Ash
That is surviving..,
Like those of us surviving
Thriving or just hanging on…
This morning
In an odd panic
Knowing not why…
But knew it was manic
Not wanting to rise
Not wanting to doze
Needing to hear
His voice
Was my only repose…
How can that be
She’ll ALWAYS be the baby
To me…
50 years ago angels came
And took my mother
To heaven and on her arrival
My mom pick an angel
And 9 months later
Sent her to me…
She repaired my broken heart
As my mother intended
And continues to be the happy
Smiley
Part of my children of three…
Don’t know why
But not getting better
Though I try…
Thoughts go darker
No light in site…
What to say
Where to go
To uncover this gloom
Holding me tight…
Is so well represented
By the changing of the colors
On the branches of trees…
The stems and twigs that carry
God’s nutrients and color
All the leaves
Give glorious joy
To the Creator who also
Gave the power of color
And art to the man
Know as Monet…
I love his paintings
Many of which
Are only copies
Of God’s
Masterpieces
Of the Seasons…
With each gust of wind
On this wonderful fall day…
Some trees hold their leaves
A little longer than others
Making me believe others
Will be raking before me…
I miss the smell of
Burning leaves of years
Gone bye and thankful
For the township scheduling
To pick up leaves from
Now until the first snowfall
Which I hope is much later
This year…
Scheduling seems to make
The seasons fly for one
Who never seems to follow
Time, rules or schedules.,
I’m on time for what suits me
Follow rules I install
And schedule very little…
I’v been called uncoachable
Never take constructive criticism
By those that try to form me..
I find I’m a free Spirit
That doesn’t follow the mAsses…
Mother said she was raising Chiefs…
Not Indians…
I just followed her instructions…
I feel she’s proud of me…
Is full of stress today
Upon waking I fear
The unfolding of the day…
What will it bring
What will we hear
bringing stress and worry
To me and the world
Population…
Why is Peace
Such a non attainable
Existence for a country
And world so full
Of Gods creation.,,
Why can’t mankind
Be happy to live in
Peace love and harmony
And care for each other’s needs
As theirs are overflowing…
Hoarding for tomorrow
While others starve today…
Each of us need
To search beyond our
Physical beings
To fulfill God’s greatest
Commandment..,
Love each other as thy self…
For you my friend
I was trying to distract
Your worry and distress
By giving you non stop
Talking about mine…
My prayers and love
Are always with you and
Pray our next meeting
Will find us joyful
And under less stress…
Our days now should be
Happy and carefree
And everyday the best day ever
Like our last cruise…
Thanks for tolerating my
Opinionated self
And my endless memory…
I’m hoping when my memory fails
You’ll be able to fill in my gaps
With all the stories I relate to you…
I fear I talk so much because I have
So many words pent up inside
And little time left to get them out…
I’ve been tearful since you left
Praying for better days ahead…
💕💕💕💕
Different places
We’ve lived such different lives
It hard to understand her
Thoughts in the twilight
Of our years…
Our experiences
And knowledge should
No longer gives us doubts
On what we believe and understand…
But seeing the wavering now
Worries me, yet it is not…
As we pass by again
My place to enter in…
Kids are watching closely
As they worry…decline
May beginning
Hoping mine can live
Longer before decline
Worries them…
Mysterious ways…
I pray we all understand
Some day…
The suffering I see in
Children is hard
To bear…
In adults it’s
More understandable
As we have lived
Our way…
But maybe not God’s way
So He must let us
Tender to Him
Before He let’s us in…
Like going to school
One can’t graduate
Till the time has come
With all lessons learned
And credits earned…
Doesn’t help
It makes two upset
Instead of just the one
Carrying the load…
The other tries to be supportive
But what can one say
As it mostly makes the other
Wonder the reason
For the unloading today…
The mind can only hold
So much before the
Self needs to dump or shield…
Shielding just prolongs the
Dump and the load will only
Increase until the unloading
Is catastrophic
Reminding me of
Many 18 wheelers
Taking a sharp turn
Dumping its load and either
Jackknifing or laying on its side…
The cleanup is immense
And the load unretrievable…
Or with the brain
Unrecoverable…
Heal with scars left behind
To toughen one
When amends aren’t
Forthcoming…
But scars cause love
To hide and bury
In fear that the
Situation will
Continue to scar…
The sky is grey
The day is warm
The football game is blaring
And hubby is yelling at the refs
Remembering why I worked retail…
Not a football fan…
Unless my boys were playing…
They aren’t so I’m cleaning …
I pray isn’t God’s way
Of preparing us for our forever
Time apart…
His job
Made us both pretty independent
As I worked from and at home
And he all over the country
And world…
Today he sits and keeps his mom
Company as her mind searches
For words and memories…
As we sit far apart in our
Retirement world
Thinking of sun, sand, golfing,
Fishing, walking on the beach
And finding home cooked meals
On the backroads of our trips..:
Our time will come..,
Just hope it won’t be
Too Late….
It’s hard to feel alone
When you’re home
With all you own…
Encapsulated with views
And pictures of those you love
But now long gone
With thoughts and memories
Of long ago held within
The bond and beliefs you share…
Today I’m here alone but
Not lonely as I dwell within
My happy memories of my
Life lived with all I love…
Might not necessarily be home
When a mother is dwelling in a
Nursing home…
Slipping farther away everyday
Calling you by your brother’s name
Not knowing where she is as different
Girls help her every day…
Crying for her mother then asking
Her daddy for help
Is hard for my hubby to watch and hear…
Torn between two women
Between two homes
Needed in both Is torturing
His heart…
I like being home
As my mother is gone
And going back to see her tombstone
In the ground
Doesn’t give me a happy view
Of my home no longer there…
A century has passed since
I called back there home
And my home now is where my
Children and grandchildren
Have grown…
And it is here I want to be…
So we sacrifice us
For that place so far away
Where he can be with her
For the withering of her days..
Makes for greener grass
A crisp fresh smell
And thoughts from heaven
Of loved ones we miss
on a rainy day
There’s more time to think
Of them in happy days
As the tears from above
And loving ways
Help brighten our world
Washing away
Sad thoughts and ugly ways…
Is a state of mind
Not in sync with
Happiness…
Nowhere to go
As you’ve given away
Your individuality
To care for everyone else…
Everyone has their own
Place of sadness and worth
They don’t need any more
So swallow and carry it
Down so as not to spit it out
Making it your own…
Off track
Invisible
Misplaced
Disoriented
Just a few words
That seem to describe
My state of being…
123 was my way
Something is missing
One step in front of the other
Now my steps are skipping
All over my game board
Feels like I’m playing Twister
With no control of my
Moves, ideas, thoughts
So sitting still, in place
Til my being is found
No longer lost…
Some days she up
Some days she sleeps
Some days she’s angry
Some days she’s there
Sometimes she’s not…
He sits for hours with
The hope she’ll awake
And realize she’s not alone…
When he’s not there
He’s on FaceTime with her
But tonight she wants no part
Of the IPad to be on
Which is her right and
Gives me a breath of fresh air
Since he’s been on the phone
For hours discussing the new
Covid outbreak, a UTI or
Long sleeves they put on her
In this heat to keep her from
Bruising as her skin is so thin…
We are thankful for this place
That take care of her so well
At a very steep price
But the toll on her son
Is hard to watch..:
He find it so hard to leave her
When he goes back
But I remind him how
Hard to leave mine in the ground
So I stop going back to Death Valley
That I use to call home…
Watching her age is aging us too
As it’s A crap shoot as to
Who will outlive who…
I doubt we have her longevity
So the odds are on us
I fear…
As we seem to put
Our life on hold…
Such little desire to…
Doing my daily ways of reading, TV
And sitting while laundry stacks
Dust falls
Organization is a dream
And me cooking is non existent
This is the life I know now
No deadlines, no visitors
No pets, no where to go
And not doing things if I don’t want…
Hubby will be traveling soon…I hope
Then I’ll do and it will stay done…
Will look for carpet and a new chair
And hopfully he’ll like my choices
If not…Oh we’ll
He can live with what I like
His likes don’t always appeal
To me…
Years ago there was a show on TV
Named Dragnet
One of the characters was Jack Web…
What I appreciated about Jack was
His insistence on only the facts…
As he interviewed a witness and
They would go into a long
Story he would say “Just
The facts mam just the facts”!!
As we have aged I’ve become
Jack Webb and hubby has become
The long winded, story telling
Witness…
I have a hard time listening to
The details of his stories…
Just the facts hon, just the facts
Is my constant reply…
When I ask how the golf game was
Good is the only answer I want
Not the rendition of the 12 days of
Christmas that I refer to as the
18 holes at Springbrook…
If the golf wasn’t good why go…
I don’t need the hit by hit rendition
Of how far over PAR…
As I read this post to hubby…
He finally replied with his view
Of the facts…
“Get a life”, he said….LOL
Peace and quiet
Without the stress and mess…
No longer needing or
Wanting things to clutter…
No longer needing to listen
To others thoughts and mutters…
Companionship requires to much
Work and input
Even with a dog…
What is aging and life saying…
It’s time to go!
He loves to eat therefore
He loves to cook…
But the mess he leaves
Isn’t worth the meal…
A quick cheeseburger
At McD leaves me satisfied
Without the stress
Of looking at the mess…
Many arrows to the heart
Cause unbearable hurt
Yet overtime the hurt is scarred over
Yet never really heals…
Scars remain and their thickness
Keeps the hurt from causing
The heart to shatter…
How long I wonder will the scars
Hold and grip the pieces together
Even though arrows continue to ping from
The scars from other penetrating hurts…
Do scars rupture and bleed
From hurts unseen to the human eye
Or do they form an armour to keep
Th heart tough and uncaring…
Is that when love ends…
Or is the ache permanent
Letting love live…
Is what I call a compliment
To one to get another jealous
So they step up their game…
Sincere compliments have no
Underlying reasons
Making one realize
The nasty
And unkind way of one’s
Character…
Excites me…
Packing, finding hotels
Wanting to be anywhere
But home is not where
I want to be…
I only like the ocean,
Reading and sleeping
Is it my age or the organization,
Planning, driving, endless
CNN on the radio, too much
Stuff in the car, traffic, car issues,
Not a fishing or golfing type of girl…
The only thing that would entice
Me would be a cruise or a condo
On the ocean…
The the how, when and where
Plays over in my mind
And my thoughts are… been there,
Done that..:
The pandemic and the crazy people
With guns no longer make me
Want to be in a crowd, on a plane
At any big organize event that
Some could target for a moment
Of deadly fame or pass on the Covid
With their unmasked face…
An Ice cream cone or a sweet tea
On my front porch watching the day
Ending as sunset fills all my desires…
My husband’s bucket list is unending
And mine is very low…
Talking is even a low priority
To me now…
Feel there’s not much that hasn’t been said
And my mind is sick of the repetition
Sounds of silence is joyful as
Gods world and nature gives sounds
Enough to make one happy while the sounds
Of mankind have made the world less
Nurturing, safe and content…
Thinking, wanting and striving
In my eyes is over…
Meditating and praying is less
Strenuous with more conviction
For a better world for mine, and
Theirs to come…
Bucket lists are for the young…
If I haven’t done it yet do I really
Want or Need to do it Now…
Came across Pinterest many years ago…
Mostly looking at weddings, dresses,
Tablescapes etc,.
Being retired I view it through
A different lens…
Entertainment, hairstyles, makeup
And cooking to name a few…
Lately I’ve been following a cook…
Traziarae… she’s cute, fresh, witty
And loves what she does…
She’s married to a NASCAR driver
And does some of her episodes
From her RV while at the race track…
Look her up…
She’s a HOOT…
Is not living an authentic life
It’s living up to other ideals
And not what God made for you…
Worrying about what others think
Is hiding yourself
Your life, thoughts, abilities
Living in the shadows of others…
If you can’t shine your light, and life
There’s something, sinister, missing
Not right about yours…
The sunshine is where you should live
Only sleeping in the dark…
Living in the dark and shadows
Is a life sentence of doubt, unfullfillnent
And sadness…
Live proudly
As the soul that God created
With the gifts He gave you…
Still remain in the heart
Hurting and tearing
Fabric of the soul apart…
Things others don’t know
Or choose to forget
Cling to that fabric
Rotting deeper
Until it becomes as volatile
As a volcano…ready to explode…
Always appears in my heart
When the one who lashes out
Feeling wronged
Is usually in the wrong
And should bite his tongue…
In most family situations over
The years I have found this
To be true
And has followed a tradition
Of one’s opinion of
Right vs wrong…
At this age I’m over
The drama of nonsense
That isn’t even an issue
But creates a situation
In which no one wins…
An so in my little car
I drive away…
Who would want that symbolism
Attached to their name…
Yet here we find out selves
Dealing with the word…
It’s not flattering, not endearing
And not someone you want
To know…
She may have good qualities
But then she crossed the moral line
And persued a married man
Becoming a home wrecker
She’s not the only guilty party
As the door must of been opened
By the one breaking his vow, his
Commitment, his trust of his family…
God will judge but it’s hard not to see
The wrong-doing in both parties
And the devastation and disappointment
Brought to undeserving others
Who didn’t expect the horrible
Breach of morality…
Children suffer most
Not knowing what to think
Or the one who solely belonged to
Them now they share with others…
One now understands more of Adam
And Eve and the snake and the breaking
Of rules, commandments and the
Outcomes of such errors and
Deliberate acts of infidelity…
Happens with a break
In commitment…
Can’t imagine the feeling
As it hasn’t happened to me…
Wondering how he’d feel
If this were his sister or mother…
Would he feel the heartache
The way I do for one of mine
The loss of a best friend, partner
The one who would have walked through
Fire for him but today
Her heart is broken,
Crushed…and yet she
Is probably getting the kids
Ready to wish him a happy fathers day…
Mothers always think love,
Children first themselves after…
What are you thinking?
Of her, of those 6 big eyes
That see her cry when she
Doesn’t think they are watching…
Thinking of the heart ache of
Grandmothers wondering what life
Will look like with a split family
Wondering how you could let this happen…
You before them
Is not a fathers way…
Just look at your father…
Your father in law…
Will your children see a hero
Like their children do…
I’m wondering…
I’m hoping God guides
Your steps through this disregard
Of commitment, love
And Gods Commandment…
My Retired Groom 